This is my college essay. I am using one of the topics from the common application.
Im planning on handing this in sometime tomorrow or monday to be revised by my english teacher.
This is what I have so far.
PLEASEPLEASE let me know If there should be anything I should take out or add. I'm not sure what to start AND end with. Also, If you're good with grammar your help is needed! be honest and go for it! Thank you very much.
Everyone struggles. Life would not be what it is without struggles. It is something I am extremely familiar with. I have seen it firsthand in others around me, my family, and in myself. The way we as people go about it shows what kind of person you are. My personal struggles have guided me on the path of what kind of person I am today.
I have a big family. I live with my parents and three sisters. My parents had always made sure education came first in our lives. They constantly stress the importance of furthering my education and finishing school. To come this far in my education is a big deal for me. My parents taught me many life lessons. My mother taught me to be strong and independent. She told me to go after my dreams and should never give up on something I love. She always has faith in me. My father taught me that it is possible for you to start over. It is never too late. The beauty about life is that there is always tomorrow. If you mess up, try again. Together, my parents have instilled in me the importance of family. In the past few years I have come to understand what my parents truly meant by this.
When the economy went down, this affected my family greatly. My father had lost one of his two jobs. He was working two jobs so that we could receive the best possible schooling. We all attend catholic school. In order to make ends meet, he had to work more hours. It is extremely important to my parents to make sure my sisters and I continue to attend catholic school. Due to my father's increase in work hours and my mother working at the same time, I had to spend time afterschool looking after my two younger sisters. This is how I spent Monday through Friday afterschool throughout my four years of high school babysitting my younger sisters.
This had affected me socially. I was not able to spend time with my friends or do the things I wanted to do. During this time I had to decipher who was really there for me and actually cared. I felt alone at times and no one understood what I was going through, but I knew this was something I had to do. As time went on, I understood this was my responsibility. Babysitting helped me to mature quickly. Looking after two young girls is not an easy task. I learned how to be patient and more understanding. It made me a better person.
With school, I was struggling. Math was my hardest subject. It's been my weakness since middle school. At first, I allowed myself to be comfortable with the fact that I would never get better. But by working hard I slowly grasped each concept and tried my hardest. With a lot of self-reflection and the advice my parents gave me, I realized life does not throw you anything you cannot handle. I decided if I kept a good attitude, if I stayed positive, and continued to smile every single day something good would happen to me and things would turn around. I knew there would be a day when this would all make sense.
I look forward to the future, attending college and pursuing my dreams. Furthering my education will be another big milestone in my life. I cannot wait for it to happen. I will continue to reach for my goals, work hard and stay focused and positive. I plan on using all of the lessons and values I have learned while in college.
second paragraph, third sentence:
My parents have always made sure..
Also, just looking at the second paragraph, I see a lot of "My parents this..My parents that.." Perhaps try mixing up the beginnings of your sentences?
Overall, good essay, just try to mix up your sentence structure and length, and maybe expand a little more on specifics.
Your language and lead-in are pretty good.
What I suggest is that you may emphasize more on your thesis throught the story and write a more powerful conclusion.
Showing more of your reflection and the impact on you.
Second paragraph has a lot of short sentences, try making them a bit longer with conjunctions: like because, and, so, or. they will greatly improve the structure of the sentence and minimize the repetition of the "My parents that... and this..." mentioned earlier.
Thank you very much! thanks for the help guys!
good luck
