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Life Amidst Death - Saturdays in the garden are my weekly treasures (Common App prompt 4)


lightjade 1 / 15 12  
Oct 29, 2014   #1
Hi there, I'm applying for ED (Nov 1st yikes), and I need to get this Commonapp essay out of the way before my upcoming A-levels (in a week too, double yikes!). I'd really appreciate any if you'd share any constructive criticism and thoughts that could help me improve! This topic has been said to be a pitfall of clichés, and it'll be a double whammy if my essay on a social issue AND a content environment is a flop. My wish is to not sound like a contrived and snotty applicant whose sole purpose in hospice volunteerism is to score brownie points in admissions. I'm more interesting than that (I hope), and I want the officers to see how important the issue of dying and ageing is important to me through this essay. I'm also in a conundrum about my title, if you have any ideas for that too, I'm really up for any suggestions. Thanks in advance!

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Life amidst Death

Saturdays in the garden are my weekly treasures. The odour of fertiliser pellets and compost is nothing exciting, but one whiff of the musky air acts as an aphrodisiac, melting away the anxieties of the past week. Patting down the soil banishes all my worries, and pruning the thorny shrubs help me sever ties from the disquiet. Amidst the orchids and the koi ponds, the garden of Dover Park Hospice is the place I've helped to grow, and more importantly, a place where I've grown myself.

Maintaining this viridian shaded getaway comes at no easy price; our Sunflower Gardening dream team is seasoned in age and unmatched in passion for the garden. They prove that age and arthritis really isn't a hindrance in pursuing their interests. Uncle Philip would shuffle in, with glasses perched on his nose bridge, ready to inspect the new orchid buds and blooms. Aunties Elsie and Serene are devoted to their square-foot garden, showing off the literal fruits of their labour at any opportunity. Even when all of them are at least twenty years my senior, we chat up a storm like a group of high schoolers. It's incomprehensible that people only see their age and not their wealth of experience. They're certainly more industrious than I am!

Whenever I make rounds to collect the potted plants, I channel Sherlock Holmes and astutely observe the commotion. The aroma of mouth-watering local delights, brought in by visitors to satisfy their relative's cravings, linger in the air. Matrons of the wards congregate over the nurses' station, immersed in conversations peppered with Tagalog. The Gems Choir is by the piano, crooning an impassioned rendition of 'Country Road'. All the upbeat tunes draw in my oldies soul, but there's a greater magnetic pull for their wheelchair-bound fans. Without fail, a few of the elderly patients would take up the best seats in the house and hum along to the nostalgic melodies. Really, how can this lively place be society's definition of a death house?

As I return to the patients' bedsides, they're excited to have their 'pots of sunshine' return to them, and I'm glad to supply a piece of our comforting garden. Some faces are familiar, while some are gone, and some are new. They buzz with updates on the latest TV serial, funny anecdotes and grains of wisdom, and I'm drawn to their stories like bees to honey. What may be a reprieve from a dreary week to me is quiet solace for those who near their end of life. Moving on to the next ward is always bittersweet as I may not see these friendly faces again, considering how they don't usually stay beyond the average thirty days. Nevertheless, it is a privilege to see our labour of love in the gardens come to life in these patients.

The hospice garden is a juxtaposition of life blooming amidst a place of death; plants and patients blossom in this open hospice environment. Over my four years volunteering here, I've grown to appreciate this harmonious relationship of growth and life coming full circle. Respecting the sanctity of life and death has matured my perspective of Singapore: our society cannot progress without reconciling fear of death with the beauty of living, especially when the silver tsunami has washed along the question of graceful ageing and dying. Singapore needs to focus beyond the trees and see the forest, and look towards inclusive growth instead of the mindless pursuit of economic prosperity. I want to grow recognition for the pioneers who sowed the seeds of our young nation. I hope to nurture gardens of comfort for our elderly community, adding life to their last days and give them the opportunity to enjoy Paradise in our Garden City.

----

"We come from the earth. We return to the earth. And in between we garden." - Anonymous

(Word count: 645)
myming 1 / 2  
Oct 29, 2014   #2
Hey, I am from the starter of the other thread that you so kindly and generously gave advice on.
As I thought, your essay is just way beyond me, it might be a bit too positive and upbeat for some, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading yours.

I can only wish you all the best, as with an essay of this calibre, I believe you deserve no less than that.

Best wishes,
Yung Ming
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Oct 29, 2014   #3
I agree with myming. Your writing is one of the best I've encountered on EF.

Now, let's talk about the essay.

I think you could come up with a better transition at the end of the second paragraph. One moment you're describing the patients and their activities, and all of a sudden, you start talking about what you do there. The transition issue crops up again at the end of the third paragraph. I guess, I don't like the last sentences of the second and the third paragraphs. The first one seems like you're thinking aloud, while, in the second case, the rhetorical question doesn't add anything, in my opinion.

I have some issues with the last paragraph. This is where you talk about how the experience has been meaningful to you. However, you use metaphors which obscure the message you intend to convey.

Singapore needs to focus beyond the trees and see the forest, and look towards inclusive growth instead of the mindless pursuit of economic prosperity

I don't get this part. What are the things that represent the trees and the forest? What kind of inclusive growth are you talking about? In any case, the whole sentence seems out of sync from the rest of the essay.

I think you need to work on the "why is it meaningful" part of the prompt. With your writing skills, I don't think that would be much of a problem. A couple of revisions and you'd be good to go.
mirrrrr 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2014   #4
First of all, I want to thank you for the feedback on my essay, I could tell you put a lot of time and effort into it. It means a lot.

Secondly, I'm not sure if I'm even qualified to give you writing tips. Your use of vocabulary and imagery was absolutely beautiful to read. I also thought the juxtaposition of the death and life was beautifully executed.

With that being said, I think it would be great if you could add some raw vulnerability to your essay. Maybe touching on the fact that being so close to death has made you aware of mortality, or something along those lines.

Also, I think the paragraph starting with "whenever" is, like the rest of your essay, beautifully written, but I don't really learn anything about you in this paragraph. Maybe try adding a few sentences of personal reflection here.

Overall, one of the best personal statements I've read to date. Best of luck to you!
melramadhani 16 / 46 6  
Oct 30, 2014   #5
This is a beautiful essay, definitely shows that you're such an ardent wordsmith. Just a minor grammatical error :

What may be a reprieve from a dreary week to me is quiet solace for those who are near their end of life

Good job!


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