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'My last two summers' mental, physical struggles, tears, sweat, self-revelations


sunshinedaisy 1 / 2  
Oct 1, 2012   #1
The prompt is how I spent my last two summers, any tips, corrections, and ideas to conclude this would be greatly appreciated!

My last two summers were not without mental and physical struggles, tears, sweat and self-revelations. The summer of 2001 began with an apocalyptic moment when I received my first B+ since fourth grade in Honors Chemistry. In that instant, I realized that I needed to make sacrifices to fulfill my dream. Getting that B+ gave me the resolve to give up beach days and barbeques in order to prioritize my life to attain my goals of obtaining a higher education and being able to play collegiate water polo.

Ready or not, each morning began with a jolt as I jumped into the cold water for an intense two hour swim practice. Following practice I had the rewarding experience of teaching water safety to fresh-faced toddles. Their enthusiasm fueled my desire to continue to improve my own swimming techniques. Due to the isolation of my small hometown, I became quite adept at studying during my drives to and from water polo practice. I know I'll always be able to look back to the enjoyable times spent reading the classic novels Jane Eyre and Rebecca to my mother during our three hour round trip five days a week. I entertained her by taking on the roles of the characters and coming up with a unique voice for each person.

My rigorous schedule was punctuated by travel to various tournaments where my team focused on playing tough games together and finding the fun with the time spent with each other. All of my hard training led up to one of the highlights of my summer, participating in a big tournament called Club Championships. I was an exhilarating experience when my team finished eighth in the nation. The biggest reward of all was the opportunity to participate in a water polo camp at UCLA where I made lasting friendships and sharpened new water polo techniques.

In 2012, my athletic training regimen remained similar to the summer of 2011, however I added cross fit to my day to enhance my leg strength and speed for water polo. Keeping the same momentum, I traveled to Sacramento, Bakersfield, San Diego, for water polo tournaments and finished with a tournament in Palo Alto. Academically, I took the term study to entirely different level. In between swim and water polo practice, much of my time was spent taking an ACT preparation class in addition to working with a writing tutor to polish my writing skills. The most remarkable part of my summer, was teaching swimming to children with special needs. Each day, their sheer enjoyment of life and their tenacity in learning basic swimming skills showed me how to push past any of my frustrations and self-doubt and appreciate the opportunities I have been given.

The challenges of the past two summer vacations helped me become more focused on my goals. (Here is where I need help with conclusion!)
anb012187 2 / 2  
Oct 2, 2012   #2
I would leave out or drastically rewrite the intro paragraph because it seems disjointed and forced. I would focus the introduction on Water Polo and the sacrifices you made to be able balance your academic and athletic aspirations. Then I would go into what you learned from your experiences and how it will help you achieve success in college. Remember you want your intro to be powerful because adcomms read thousands of these essays. Hope this helped


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