Prompt: Unusual presents, accidental presents, metaphorical presents, re-gifted presents, etc. - pick any present you have ever received and invent a past for it.
I place my latte back on the table as I continue to type furiously on my laptop. Suddenly, a notification pops up: You have 2% battery left. The dusty book comes tumbling out of my backpack as I reach for my laptop charger in haste. The neon green and yellow Post- Its sticking from the book look out of place with the rest of the murky, yellow pages and the faded black cover. I pick up the book and turn it to the front cover. The top and bottom right corners of the book cover is missing. And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie is printed in bold white letters on the page. I received it back in seventh grade as a white elephant Secret Santa present during the year my parents were in the worst of their arguments. The book shrouded me from their fights and provided somewhere safe that I could go. My parents' screams could not reach me when I was in the pages of the book. The book once belonged to Lizzie's grandmother, when she was a little girl. I always wonder why Lizzie decided to give me the book and if she ever knew how much it had helped me
Elizabeth Patricia James just turned 12 and received a book for her birthday. Elizabeth understood that it was hard for her father to get his hands on anything, so the book must have taken him weeks to get. But still, she had wished it was a new dress. With a sigh, she picked the book up and looked at its cover. The smooth black cover still had a sheen to it and the pages were crisped. And that's when the loud siren rang, echoing through the entire neighborhood. Like the drills, she ran to her backyard and saw her mother standing in front of a large rectangular box waving frantically for her to go inside. Before she had both her feet inside the bunker, she heard the first boom. The impact made Elizabeth squeal in shock. This was the first time she had heard the bombs so close to home. Only now did Elizabeth realize she was still holding onto her book. The booms were continuous, and occasionally, she felt the ground shake when the bomb had hit closer to home. She was petrified every time the ground shook because she didn't know if her beloved home made it. Having nothing else to do, Elizabeth decided to read the book to take her mind off the bombs.
Her mother told her to go back inside, and Elizabeth looked up in shock. She had forgotten that she was in a bunker and she didn't even notice the bombs had stopped. Somehow, the book made the Elizabeth forget all her troubles. Each twist and turn in the plot had her so engaged that she had completely forgotten the warfare outside her house. Each time the bombings came, Elizabeth made sure she had the book in her hand before handing to the bunker. Everywhere she went, the book went with her. Her childhood, once desolate by bombings and warfare, was cured by a single book. By 1945, when Winston Churchill announced the end of the war, she could tell you all the characteristics of each character and their fates.
As Elizabeth grew up, the book in her heart slowly faded away. Now 30, Elizabeth was packing to leave her husband. The name calling early on in their marriage had become shoving and pushing which now escalated to a full scale beating. She grabbed her suitcase and the dusty black book fell down. And Then There Were None. Memories flashed through her head as she remembered her childhood, raged by warfare and her escape from it, through this book. The book's pages were yellowed and the once shiny cover was now dull. Might as well bring it with me, she thought. I have no other personal possessions. On the way to the airport, Elizabeth quickly flipped through the pages of the book in order to take her mind off her husband. Names and phrases jumped at her as she vaguely remembered parts of the book. Just like years ago, her angst subsided as she became entranced by the plot. The intricate twists and turns of the book took her mind off her abusive soon to be ex-husband and gave her solace. Elizabeth smiled as she stepped into the John F. Kennedy airport. She made it through World War II with the book. Now, she could make it here too, in the city of New York because she has the book with her. The title was right. And Then There Were None. There were no more fear, sadness and doubt in her heart, none. She knew everything will be alright from here on.
Elizabeth "Lizzie" Smith decided to give the book away. After all, her friend needed it more than she does. From her grandmother's stories of her childhood, Lizzie knew the book was special. It was her grandmother's anchor; it kept her strong all these years even through her childhood and her abusive first marriage. The book was no longer just a book. It was a symbol, a symbol of strength, hope and resilience. In her family, the book meant that everything could be, will be better. Lizzie wanted to let her friend know that things will be better, just like for her grandmother. She wanted to share the spirit of strength and prospect that the situation will improve despite the fights. Lizzie knew her grandmother, Elizabeth, would be proud of her for doing so.
Jessica, your point of view in relating this story is quite confusing. Are you supposed to be the person in the story being told or not? You went from first person to second person within 2 paragraphs. There was no transition, nor indication that you would be telling a flashback story. All of which are requirements for this sort of narrative writing. That said, you definitely need to figure out the direction this story will take in the sense of story telling. Will it be in first person? Will it be in second person? Flashbacks or current time?
Your first paragraph can be better improved if you used it to set up the transition to the flashback story of you receiving the gift. You can't just jump into the explanation about your friend's background. As the story teller, you need to set up the scene that will slowly immerse the reader, or, in this case, the reviewer, into the story of Elizabeth and the book. You reached for the charger, saw the book, then wondered why she had given it to you. Then what? How did you end up becoming so nostalgic about the book? What were the factors in the present day that got you to think about the past of the book? Set it up for us. Don't just throw us, as the readers, into the flashback or sea of your thoughts. We'd be lost at sea so to speak.
The rest of the story is good though. It has the potential to be an extremely well developed narrative. You just need to apply yourself to the needed corrections in the aforementioned paragraphs. Once you complete those, the story should be able to transition from one moment to the next in a more seamless style.
With regards to the last paragraph, can you indicate something about you and the gift in present day? What happened after you recalled the story to yourself? Close out the story. Plug in that laptop. Read the book again. Just do something that will bring your reader back to a present day conclusion because that is where the story started.
Excellent usage of adjectives and illustration of the place on the first paragraph. It was really nice. Kind of inspired me to write more like you. Nice essay but I dont mean to hurt you but the story is kind of confusing and its really easy to lose track of it. I was confused and I was not interested to read the 3rd paragraph as much as I was interested to read the 2nd paragraph, as the first paragraph was tempting me to keep reading.
Can you try to make it a little less complicated, man? No hate. You are undoubtedly an amazing writer!
I really like your concept and intro, but I truly believe that the essay can be a bit more cohesive to make it easier for us to interpret the situation the same way you are trying to present it
You're an amazing writer, that's for sure. But I got lost at some points that you need to clarify. As Louisa said, you jump from one kind of narrative to other and it can be pretty confusing to the reader.
First of all, try explaining better how you got the book and who is Lizzie in this situation. Is she your friend from school? You should also try to separate this Lizzie from the II World War Elizabeth, because it gets confusing sometimes. I believe that a clearer transition between the three moments of the text (you getting the book from your backpack, when Elizabeth had it, when Lizzie had it) is necessary.
I also missed you getting back into the story. We start the text seeing everything through your perspective but you disappear completely. What happenned? By bringing the reader back to present time you will have a conclusion that puts it all together.
Thanks for the advice! I made some edits to it, and hopefully, the essay flows better. I added s small paragraph to the end, but I'm not sure if it is too cliche. The red highlights mean that I added those words. I also want to cut the essay down a bit because I don't want to burden the admissions officer too much. Any suggestions on that?
I place my latte back on the table as I continue to type furiously on my laptop. Suddenly, a notification pops up: You have 2% battery left. The dusty book comes tumbling out of my backpack as I reach for my laptop charger in haste. The neon green and yellow Post- Its sticking from the book look out of place with the rest of the murky, yellow pages and the faded black cover. I pick up the book and turn it to the front cover. And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie is printed in bold white letters on the page. The top right corner of the book cover is missing. I chuckle lightly when I remembered I had accidentally torn the top corner off the day I received it. The day I got the white elephant Secret Santa present from my friend Lizzie, my parents were in their biggest argument of the year. I grabbed the book in haste to rush to my room, tearing the corner where I had picked it up. Sobbing hopelessly, I opened the now torn cover and began to read the story and soon I became engrossed in it. The book shrouded me from their fights and provided somewhere safe that I could go. My parents' screams could not reach me when I was in the pages of the book. I always wonder why Lizzie decided to give me the book and if she ever knew how much it had helped me. Later on, I found out that the book once belonged to Lizzie's grandmother, Elizabeth , when she was a little girl.
Elizabeth Patricia James just turned 12 and received a book for her birthday. Elizabeth understood that it was hard for her father to get his hands on anything, so the book must have taken him weeks to get. But still, she had wished it was a new dress. With a sigh, she picked the book up and looked at its cover. The smooth black cover still had a sheen to it and the pages were crisped. And that's when the loud siren rang, echoing through the entire neighborhood. Like the drills, she ran to her backyard and saw her mother standing in front of a large rectangular box waving frantically for her to go inside. Before she had both her feet inside the bunker, she heard the first boom. The impact made Elizabeth squeal in shock. This was the first time she had heard the bombs so close to home. Only now did Elizabeth realize she was still holding onto her book. The booms were continuous, and occasionally, she felt the ground shake when the bomb had hit closer to home. She was petrified every time the ground shook because she didn't know if her beloved home made it. Having nothing else to do, Elizabeth decided to read the book to take her mind off the bombs.
Her mother told her to go back inside, and Elizabeth looked up in shock. She had forgotten that she was in a bunker and she didn't even notice the bombs had stopped. Somehow, the book made the Elizabeth forget all her troubles. Each twist and turn in the plot had her so engaged that she had completely forgotten the warfare outside her house. Each time the bombings came, Elizabeth made sure she had the book in her hand before handing to the bunker. Everywhere she went, the book went with her. Her childhood, once desolate by bombings and warfare, was cured by a single book. By 1945, when Winston Churchill announced the end of the war, she could tell you all the characteristics of each character and their fates.
But , as Elizabeth grew up, the book in her heart slowly faded away. Now 30, Elizabeth was packing to leave her husband. The name calling early on in their marriage had become shoving and pushing which now escalated to a full scale beating. She grabbed her suitcase and the dusty black book fell down. And Then There Were None. Memories flashed through her head as she remembered her childhood, raged by warfare and her escape from it, through this book. The book's pages were yellowed and the once shiny cover was now dull. Might as well bring it with me, she thought. I have no other personal possessions. On the way to the airport, Elizabeth quickly flipped through the pages of the book in order to take her mind off her husband. Names and phrases jumped at her as she vaguely remembered parts of the book. Just like years ago, her angst subsided as she became entranced by the plot. The intricate twists and turns of the book took her mind off her abusive soon to be ex-husband and gave her solace. She prepared to start her new life in New York where her husband couldn't touch her. Elizabeth smiled as she stepped into the John F. Kennedy airport. She made it through World War II with the book. Now, she could make it here too, in the city of New York because she has the book with her. She knew everything will be alright from here on.
Elizabeth "Lizzie" Smith, named after her grandmother , decided to give the book away. After all, her friend needed it more than she does. From her grandmother's stories of her childhood, Lizzie knew the book was special. It was her grandmother's anchor; it kept her strong all these years even through her childhood and her abusive first marriage. The book was no longer just a book. It was a symbol, a symbol of strength, hope and resilience. In her family, the book meant that everything could be, will be better. Lizzie wanted to let her friend know that things will be better, just like for her grandmother. She wanted to share the spirit of strength and prospect that the situation will improve despite the fights. Lizzie knew her grandmother, Elizabeth , would be proud of her for doing so.
Smiling, I carefully place the book back into my bag. After all it has been through, it needs to be treated with care. Even though I can leave the book at home, I prefer to carry it with me to remind myself that even if the present seems dark, the future is always bright. Maybe one day, I can pass the book on to someone who needs it too.
In writing this kind of narrative, where you jump in time a lot, you need to keep track of your tenses and keep them consistent within their time frames.
i.e.: "After all, her friend needed it more than she doesdid .
"Now, she could make it here too, in the city of New York because she hashad the book with her. She knew everything willwould be alright from here on. " (this sentence is also a little awkward to read due to the placement of your prepositional phrases)
If there's no word limit, then there's not necessarily a reason to cut words unless you can do so effectively without hurting your overall story. It's much better for your essay to be long, but well flowing (so as to keep the reader's continued interest), than to have sloppy cuts which would break your flow and the reader's immersion. However, if you did want to cut, I'd recommend doing so from Elizabeth's background (mainly as this is -presumably- fictional, and so much more likely to have been "fluffed" on)
The essay is kind of cliche, but I believe that stems mostly from your ending. If you were to elaborate more on the present day you in your ending, it would allow for a more personalized and unique story than seeming cliche.
Other than that, I think the narrative fits well within the scope of the prompt. However, I also think that you could make your voice become more alive in the essay. Really try to incorporate aspects of yourself into the essay so that the essay is really a reflection of some part of you. You revolve the essay mainly around this fictitious character, and therefore the essay amounts to not much in showing off yourself.
For example, another extended essay prompt "Were pH an expression of personality, what would be your pH and why? (Feel free to respond acidly! Do not be neutral, for that is base!) was answered first by detailing the many different definitions that the student had learned about pH, offering their own view on what pH would be defined if it were some sort of expression of personality, and really focuses the essay on himself by offering examples all culminating in calculating the student's pH. Now, this prompt is a lot easier (not all prompts are created equal) to answer as a reflection of yourself, and this prompt doesn't lend itself as much as to write explicitly about yourself, but therefore you need to invoke in your essay some sort of view of your own that reflects who you are. Like if you were to write about the odd numbers prompt, some would show their propensity towards mathematics and write about proofs and patterns and etc. which are all reflections of their way of thinking, while some would probably look at the prompt more linguistically and assert that oddness should be embraced and that odd numbers are actually normal and not actually odd (being different). But note that each of these answers, while not talking explicitly about themselves, offers a view into their thinking that is unique and different for each person. However, your essay really tells me a lot about Elizabeth, but not so much about you (really I can only tell that the book was a beacon of hope to you).
Definitely don't mean to discourage you, but these are my honest (and slightly more harsh given that I like to err on the side of caution) thoughts.
Hope this helps!
