This is a general common app essay.
"Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way" or "Tell is about someone who influenced who you are today"
There is one man who is always there for me. When I'm swimming, I can hear his voice above the roar of the water. When I'm down, he cracks jokes to lighten the mood. When I'm sick, he concocts remedies. Whenever anything happens, my father is there.
I tried out for the football team in sixth grade. I didn't make it, but my father encouraged me to look somewhere else. "Why not wrestling?" he said. In preparation, we wrestled day and night, despite his sore body. He cared about me, but I hadn't matured enough to see the pains he embraced so that I may enjoy a single season on the wrestling team. Wrestling season started, and while I fought to pin my opponent, my father laid in bed, healing his wounds. He was too old to continue such strenuous activity, but he did, for my sake.
After wrestling ended, my father still had not fully healed. He took days off work to rest and he spent his evenings trying to relax in the shower. At that time, I was ignorant of my father's physical burdens. I tentatively asked, "Why can't Dad do anything? I'm bored." The more I asked, the more I understood what my father had always done for me. I was his first priority, even over himself.
A few years later, everything changed. He succumbed to Bells Palsy and gout, among other milder illnesses. Though not serious, both caused him pain, and I desperately searched for natural cures since his prescribed medicine did nothing to neither eliminate symptoms nor ease the pain. I told him about how a vegetarian diet may invigorate his nerves and blood flow, easing symptoms. I found herbs that supposedly would prevent gout and started cooking his lunches and dinners for him.
It started out with these minute but effective tasks. Soon, his condition began to worsen. He wouldn't go an hour with major pains in his feet. At this point, my mother and I attended him. Even against the doctor's and my recommendations, he went to work. He claimed it was to have money for me to go to college. "It's not worth your health," I said, now the parent. "I can find scholarships and loans. If you don't rest now, you might not even be able to work anymore."
Now, Dad still has gout, but he has few problems walking and working with it.
My time with my father showed me that sometimes the ones we most care about are more important than even ourselves. During this period, I became independent, no longer requiring Dad, but always thankful for how he was there for me. He taught me, albeit indirectly, how to be a father, to care for others. Looking back, I could have never taken care of my father if he hadn't taken care of me first. I sacrificed my time and my enjoyment to help my father. I am my father's son after all.
As always, please be harsh, and I'll try to return the favor. Thanks! :)
Well, I can certainly see that your dad has had tremendous influence on you! A lot of time people choose someone but can never give examples or fully develop their thoughts. You did well in putting on paper the who, what, where, when, whys. You are also very specific.
However, the piece doesn't seem to flow. I do have some critiques for it, if you'd accept them.
1) The beginning. As great as it is, it's used and overused and simply not exciting. You want to draw the reader in, and with an admissions officer who is reading thousands of essays, you definitely need to catch their attention. Make it more exciting.
2) You are trying to say that your Dad made you who you are, an independent caring person.
So, talk about how he was always there for you. Then transition into how you noticed that and were thankful. And then transition into how he seems to get worse, healthwise, and then transition into how you took care of him and thus became __________. You've done that, but it needs to be done more smoothly.
3) Liven up your writing style! It seems a very monotone way of relating what happened and just doesn't keep my interest. Perhaps your essay is too much in the passive voice.
4) I love your last sentence! It reminds me of the saying, "like father, like son."
Good luck on your apps. If you have time, feel free to critique my essays.
A few lines into this essay, I already really like it...
He cared about me, but I hadn't matured enough to see the pains he embraced so that I may could enjoy a single season on the wrestling team.
"It's not worth your health," I said, now the parent. "I can find scholarships and loans. If you don't rest now, you might not even be able to work anymore."---beautifully written dialogue... your habit of reading really is paying off in your development of writing skill.
A comma would be good here, though not necessary:
I am my father's son, after all.
I give this essay a 10/10 very very impressive...
