The prompt:
To write about an incident that happened in my life that change my mind about something. The thesis should indicate the specific event and the change that occurred. Body should be chronological order of events. The conclusion should restate the main idea and let the reader know that all has been said on the subject.
I tried my best on the essay. I had a handy grammar book when I was writing it. So hopefully I didn't make many mistakes. Please tell me if there are any grammatical errors. I also think that some of my sentence dragged on and I don't know how to rewrite it. Few questions though.
1. Was it any good?
2. Did it meet the requirement of the prompt?
3. Was it a bit wordy?
When I was a child, I was always the one who volunteered to do everything first. That changed when I had my brush with danger. I nearly dropped into a hole, never to be seen again. The incident did not drastically alter my perception although it left me with uncertainty about acting without thinking first.
It was a beautiful morning on this particular day. Birds chirping, squirrels running around, and kids screaming and laughing as they played under the sun. No one was to suspect the ominous atmosphere that would shroud the neighborhood. I stepped out of the house into a beautiful shade of red and brown. The brisk cool breeze blew as I stood and watch the leaves falling. I walked over to the car as the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet. My father strolled out, jingling the keys in his hand. We were on our way to see his friend whom I affectionately called grandpa. When we reached grandpa's house, my father moseyed up into the house. I was left outside to find something interesting to do. I sauntered around to the side of the house where I spotted a pile of leaves, riped for my picking. I readied myself for jumping, my knees bent slightly; a push of my leg muscles and I was airborne heading toward my destination, the pile of leaves.
To my surprise as I descended, the pile of leaves gave way to emptiness. There was no solid ground to land on. My arms flailed around seeking to grab onto anything. After what seemed like hours, one of my hands finally connected with the laundry pole nearby. My other hand clutched at a patch of weeds. As I hanged precariously above doom, my thoughts turned to spikes that would eagerly embrace me if I were to fall. At least, that's what movies led me to believe. I decided to use what little strength I had to pull myself out. My feet searched for anything to get leverage on. Here my memory failed me as to why I did not call for help.
At last, after what seemed like an eternity-it might have been 2 minutes-I managed to drag my body out. I crashed onto the ground, all strength had left me. Gasping for air as I clutched at my side, I struggled to stand and observe the opponent who nearly defeated me. Being a child, my fears warped itself into curiosity about this similarly oddity of nature. Back then, I did not know how the leaves held itself up when nothing was supporting them. I stood, knees slightly shaken. I could now see that the hole was a tunnel. As I peered into the tunnel, I expected nothing but darkness instead a flicker of light greeted me. My father, man of perfect timing, appeared on the porch. He gestured me to the car as I complied. On the ride home, I told him about the event that had happened. I was expecting a serious response to my story but was met with loud laughter.
A cruel and unusual trick was played on me that day. An event that could have landed me a spot on the nightly new and cause embarrassment if it did not go the way that had happened. Now whenever I think of doing something reckless or stupid, I always remember back to that event of my childhood. If it could end up with me on the news then it's probably best not to do it.
P. Huynh
Greetings!
I'll start by answering your three questions:
1. Yes, it was good! You did an excellent job with description, adding details, like the crunching of the leaves, that draw your reader into the story.
2. While I do think it met the requirement of the prompt, you might want to emphasize just a little more about the change in your mind and attitudes caused by this event, perhaps describing yourself imagining the news story of the ordeal. You devote only two sentences to your change in attitude.
3. No, I didn't find it at all wordy. :-)
Here are some editing suggestions regarding grammar:
I walked over to the car with the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet.
riped for my picking. - the expression is "ripe for the picking," but it's really not applicable here. Better would be something like "a pile of leaves, begging to be pounced on."
As I hung precariously above doom,
Here my memory fails me as to why I did not call for help. - Although the event happened in the past, it is in the present that your memory is failing you, so use "fails."
I crashed onto the ground; [use semicolon] all strength had left me.
Being a child, my fear warped itself into curiosity about this [delete "similarly"] oddity of nature. Back then, I did not know how the leaves held themselves up when nothing was supporting them. I stood, knees shaking slightly. I could now see that the hole was a tunnel. As I peered into the tunnel, I expected nothing but darkness; [use semicolon] instead a flicker of light greeted me.
He gestured me to the car, and I complied. On the ride home, I told him about [delete "the event"] what had happened. I was expecting a serious response to my story but was met with loud laughter. - I found this a little strange; why was he laughing at you? Was it that he knew about this tunnel? Or because of your propensity to jump first, ask questions later? It would probably help if you explained what the tunnel was, because it is a little confusing as to why there should be a tunnel in the man's yard--and you really didn't explain how the leaves held themselves up.
A cruel and unusual trick was played on me that day--an event that could have landed me a spot on the nightly news and caused embarrassment--or worse--if it did not end the way it had.
Good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thanks! I'm going to have an error free paper one day. =)
I was thinking in the 4th paragraph, I could move everything before "my father," and move those sentences up into the 3th paragraph. Then I could devote the 4th paragraph to my change of attitude.
That would be alright?
On a different note, I'm having a hard time finding the log out link.
Greetings!
Yes, I think that is an excellent idea; those sentences go very well with the previous paragraph. Don't worry about committing errors--we go to school to learn! If you knew it all already, you wouldn't need to take classes, right? ;-))
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
I have another question. Since I making up like a imaginary news story, is there any special thing I have to do for it? Like if I were to say
I could imagine the news story, BOY STUCK IN HOLE. In quiet neighborhood, a child happens to get himself in a dangerous situation as he has fallen in a hole.
Should "boy stuck in hole" be underline or?
I could imagine the news story on it. A little boy is stuck in a hole. Firefighters are attempting to retrieve the boy from the hole. Oh, that would make me so embarrass! The neighborhood kids would be in the background laughing while my parents would be interviewed for the local news. Everyone at school would tease me about it. They would not let me live it down.
That is what I'm planning on adding in. Is it good?
Greetings!
Yes, I think that sounds good. I did like the headline idea, however. Perhaps something like "Pile of Leaves Swallows Boy."
One small correction: Oh, that would make me so embarrassed!
I guess you were never in any serious danger? Because sometimes when these things happen, it becomes a matter of life and death; however, the way you've written it makes it sound like you were much more concerned with embarrassment than with danger. You might consider saying something to the effect that your life wasn't in jeopardy, just your pride.
Good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
