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The heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be.


fafarrukh 3 / 13 2  
Sep 5, 2015   #1
As it turns out, the heart beating inside me isn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. For 8-year-old me, this was quite the heartbreak (pun intended). My dainty heart doodles, my fluffy heart pillow, my pink heart shirt had betrayed me. If those weren't hearts then what was?

That terrifying moment marked the beginning of my love for science and human anatomy. But nothing intrigues me more than my fellow heart. Its intricacy, its command, its strength baffles me. The heart is a system of itself, intimately intertwined with the nervous and endocrine systems. It doesn't ask for much, yet it continues to pump blood around the body with its faithful, steady beat. I often wonder how I live my life clueless to the excitement buzzing within me. I've dug through various books and journals to cure my curiosity. All provide a myriad of information about its structure and functions, but none leave me satisfied. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know, pushing me to dig even deeper. Chances are the answers are right in front of me, but I'm asking the wrong questions. It disappoints me that my efforts have led to mere ambiguity, but they've only driven me to further study this muscle. The heart will continue to bewilder me, but it's nothing I can't handle. I will solve this enigma and learn its silent language.

Thanks for editing! (College supplemental essay: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?)
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 6, 2015   #2
I can help you with your essay. Since you are telling a story in the past, I will help you make some changes.

As it turns out, "The heart beating inside me wasn't..." "When I was eight years old, it was quite the heartbreak."

The second paragraph, delete the word: terrifying. The next sentence should read: "Now nothing intrigues me more than my own heart."
"The heart is a system of itself ..." There needs to be a change in the next sentence. Replace the with "this". Instead of using the word dug, you could state "searched" or "I've diligently studied various..."

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence:
I think you should change the next sentence to reflect the complexity of the heart. "After studying the heart, I realize that it is complex and this pushes me to dig deeper to understand it." -This sentence reflects that you have studied it, it is not easy to understand, and you are willing to learn more about it. If you decide to make this change, you could use this sentence to start a concluding paragraph.

I hope this helps!
OP fafarrukh 3 / 13 2  
Sep 6, 2015   #3
Thanks for your input! If I do use "After studying the heart, I realize that it is complex and this pushes me to dig deeper to understand it." how could I incorporate:

The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know, pushing me to dig even deeper. Chances are the answers are right in front of me, but I'm asking the wrong questions. It disappoints me that my efforts have led to mere ambiguity, but they've only driven me to further study this muscle.

Or do you think I should cut it all out because its redundant?

Thanks once again, I really need the help!
OP fafarrukh 3 / 13 2  
Sep 6, 2015   #4
This is my reedited version:

The heart beating inside me wasn't the traditional Valentine's Day heart I always knew it to be. When I was 8 years old, this was quite the heartbreak (pun intended). My dainty heart doodles, my fluffy heart pillow, my pink heart shirt had betrayed me. If those weren't hearts then what was?

That moment marked the beginning of my love for science and human anatomy. Now nothing intrigues me more than my own heart. Its intricacy, its command, its strength baffles me. The heart is a system of itself, intimately intertwined with the nervous and endocrine systems. With its faithful, steady beat. it continuously pumps blood around the body. I often wonder how I live my life clueless to this excitement buzzing within me. I've searched through various books and journals to cure my curiosity. Only after diligently studying the heart have I realized its complexity. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know, pushing me to dig deeper to understand it. The answers are right in front on me, but I'm asking the wrong questions.

It disappoints me that my efforts have led to mere ambiguity, but they've only driven me to further study this muscle. After my dedicated research, I consider myself acquainted with my heart, hoping to soon become best friends. The heart will continue to bewilder me, but it's nothing I can't handle. I will solve this enigma and learn its silent language. It might even tell me its secrets itself.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 7, 2015   #5
- For the 8-year-old me,..

- ButHowever ( avoid using the word "but" as it connotes a negative aspect of the sentence) nothing...
- I've dug through various...
- ...but none leave me satisfiedwith satisfaction .

In addition, I have your edited essay;

- pushing me to dig deeper in order to understand it.

Well, there's not much to edit as you have written it well.
I believe you can write more about your fascination on the subject, just make sure that you remain objective and stay true to the facts that you will gather.

Also, make sure that you will be able to elaborate your scientific finding, this can be a good practice for research too.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 7, 2015   #6
I will give you some more suggestions:

Since this is a supplemental essay, I'm unsure if this is redundant. You are answering the question because you describe the heart (science) and you discuss the challenge. However, if you want to avoid being redundant you could be more specific. This would help your reader to understand why the structure and the function of the heart was difficult for you. Ex: Did you have trouble understanding the right or left ventricle of the heart? Did both pose a challenge? What made the heart so difficult to understand?

Additional suggestions:
"The heart is a unique system that is intertwined with the nervous and endocrine systems."*

*I understood what you were trying to convey, but you could use the word unique. This will help you avoid stating that the heart is a system "of itself".

This is a slight correction to that sentence "Only after diligently studying the heart, have I realized its complexity." This pushes me to dig deeper to understand it. " Since you have revised your paper, you can disregard this sentence I suggested: "After studying the heart, I realize that it is complex and this pushes me to dig deeper to understand it."

This is a slight correction too: "The answers should exist, but I feel I am asking the wrong questions."

I'm a little confused when you describe your relationship with the heart as "being acquainted with the heart" then being "bewildered". You could combine your thoughts: "After my dedicated research, I am still bewildered. However, it's nothing I can't handle. I will solve this enigma..."

I suggest deleting this sentence: It might even tell me its secrets itself .
OP fafarrukh 3 / 13 2  
Sep 7, 2015   #7
I greatly appreciate all of your feedback. I've considered every single one of your points with great attention. After much thought and editing, I've made only a couple more changes to the essay since I'm limited to 250 words. I spent a great deal trying to incorporate specific aspects of the heart that challenged me, but the essay was becoming too long. Hopefully it is still clear and not redundant.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 7, 2015   #8
I can help you. If you are limited to 250 words, you can eliminate extra details. The specific detail about the direction of blood circulation being regulated by two valves can be deleted. I think you have answered the question. Your passion for studying science, especially the heart is clear.
OP fafarrukh 3 / 13 2  
Sep 8, 2015   #9
Thanks! I'm at 241 words, so I think I'll keep them unless they're sounding repetitive. :)


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