"harmonic sound chills of excitement" - a meaningful experience in your life

I am being asked by my AICE English language teacher to write an application essay to a college of my choice and so I chose UF.

This essay is by far no where close to my actual writing ability, but I am not quite sure how to write a personal essay and so I ask you to please proofread and report anything you believe I should fix.

During the two and a half years that I participated in the school band my relationship with society evolved more than any other time in my life. I was by no means a music prodigy but I was an average trombone player. Although there were others that were far better skilled than I, I always practiced and always showed up for marching sessions and for that I was respected by the band director as well as my peers. I have always been a shy person and usually have had only two or three friends a year.

At the beginning of my band experience I kept to myself but after about a week I had grown to like my four companion trombonists. I enjoyed being part of this little group, but as I soon learned one cannot only know a few band people. By the middle of that first year I had become acquainted with everyone in the band and had made friends with a quarter of them. This small group of friends was odd but I grew to feel as though they were family. When the band director asked us to play individually, noise was produced but when we played together a harmonic sound was uncovered. When one heard this harmonic sound chills of excitement rushed over the skin and one would think how great it is t be a part of the source.

This experience taught me that everyone should do their part. I believe that because of my band experience I will make a great contribution to the University of Florida. I learned that hard work pays off and so I will serve as an image of an ideal student. As a result of my having practiced everyday and showed up to every practice session I have developed a good work ethic and hold dear the responsibility of doing my part to help the whole succeed.

What is the word limit? I think this essay is good start but I believe there should be more substance added. Maybe you should expand your paragraphs and talk about in a little more detail how being in band makes you a great contribution to UF. What qualities did you possess in band that you can also use in UF? These are the type of questions you should probably answer in your essay.

Hope this helps!

I was by no means a music prodigy but These words are extra. Try it with just these few words:
I was an average trombone player. Although there were others that were far better skilled than I, I always practiced and showed up for marching sessions, a nd for that...

That middle paragraph, about your experience as part of a group... it's pretty cool! So, what is the main theme for the whole essay? You need a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph... a sentence that sums up the message of the essay.

This experience taught me that everyone should do their part. a little too simplistic... cliche.
Dig deeper for the conclusion! :-) get specific.