This is my essay responding to the the community prompt in the UPenn supplement. Please, critique it, and suggest changes, and feel free to ask me to read your essay. Thanks in advance
Growing up in Cuba, I felt just as isolated from the world as the island in which I lived. I knew what I wanted: to save lives, but I couldn't even protect my dream from all the water that was surrounding me, trying to drown my ambitions. When I came to this country, I saw land everywhere, and frontiers, and horizons that could take me to my final destiny. I discovered the University of Pennsylvania, and I decided that it was the perfect university for me, where I could take advantage of all the opportunities it offers to excel myself and give back to the community all the knowledge I have received, with a little bit of the rice and beans, plantains, salsa, and "Cubanía" that runs through my veins.
As a Christian, the most important thing in my life is the Lord. By participating in the activities held by Penn Students for Christ, I intend to strengthen my relationship with God. Attending the Bible studies offered by Dr. Ray Townsend will greatly enrich my knowledge of His words. With the support of all my brothers and sisters from this group, I would like to take the message of Salvation to the Penn community, and share my testimony of how He has changed and saved my life.
With the help of the Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships, I would like to serve the Pennsylvania Hospital and the University of Pennsylvania itself in the research projects led by them. I believe that the experience I have obtained as an intern in the laboratory of the University of Miami's Project for the Cure of Paralysis would be helpful in the arduous and time-consuming work that research masters and doctors conduct. This would also be a great way to spend my free time doing something I enjoy and that is related to the Biology career I want to pursue.
Knowing Spanish as my first language, and being a Romance Languages major, I would like to join La Casa Latina and the Latino Coalition organization. By helping in the mentoring and tutoring of elementary students in North Philadelphia, and teaching English as a second language to new Latin American immigrants in South Philadelphia, I would like to pass on my knowledge of Spanish, English, and Italian to those who are trying to learn these languages. I would also enjoy participating in La Casa Latina's Spanish Roundtables, where I can talk to fellow classmates that are learning my natal language while helping them with the Spanish grammar and pronunciation. I would also enroll in their Community Outreach Program, and their collaboration with Mastery Charter High School, where I can guide Latino high school students in the process of college applications.
Committed to the chess world since fifth grade, I have developed a great admiration toward the game and the intellectual atmosphere that comes with it. I want to join the Penn Chess Club, play against its talented members, especially in a Boghouse game, the most exciting and exhilarating variety of chess. By joining this organization, I would like to continue the work I have started at my high school, of teaching friends and interested students how to play chess, and how to take advantages of the benefits this game brings to our psychological health.
Though my future has not been built yet, I know that the University of Pennsylvania is the place where I want its foundations to be. As a Christian who wants to help the Latino and Health communities, I am certain that this institution will not only help me reach my goals, but it will also make me a more enriched, wholesome person.
Growing up in Cuba, I felt just as isolated from the world as the island on which I lived. ----good sentence!
I knew what I wanted: to save lives. Yet, I could n't even protect my dream from all the water that was surrounding me, trying to drown my ambitions.----wow, another excellent sentence. You are a poet.
Use a dash:
I discovered the University of Pennsylvania, and I decided that it was the perfect university for me -- a place where I could take advantage of all the opportunities it offers to excel myself and give back to the learning community. I will contribute all the knowledge I have received a little bit of the rice and beans, plantains, salsa, and "Cubanía" that runs through my veins.
Nice job!!
