UF ADMISSIONS ESSAY:
Prompt: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
Unlike most children, I have always idolized my grandmother. Even though she always misplaces her gold citizen watch, and was always a day or two late when it came to giving me my phone messages, she was always the ideal example of an accomplished person in my eyes. According to her friends, she is the chef in the neighborhood they all got advice from, but to me she is simply the woman who got up in the middle of night to assuage my fright from nightmares and the women who made sure I had a snack ready when I came home from school. The surfeit amount of constructive energy she possessed along with her benevolence made her a person that couldn't help but be inspiring. She never failed to help.
When I turned 12, I realized it was my turn to help her. My grandmother was anything but ordinary, she was strong at heart, and I always assumed that I would help her eventually, when she got much older. The moment that really changed my view on life was the day she attempted to commit suicide. She took an overdose of sleeping tablets, and was unconscious for two very long days. At the time I couldn't do anything but pray for her. I was very young, and not matured; I really thought she was just taking a rest from all the work she did. My parents didn't help much either when I bombarded them with questions. Overtime I found out she was suffering from a bipolar disorder, and her action seemed to actually ameliorate her progress. It saddens me daily to see her optimism turn to pessimism. She has numerous medications, none of which has really helped, and to this day she struggles with this condition.
As I got older I became more aware of my grandmother's condition, and started doing active research on it. Looking for different treatment plans; ones that actually worked were either hard to find or too expensive. The truth is that she is suffering just as much as I am. This constant experience bestowed on me the responsibility to find a treatment and get back the grandmother I once had. Going to Unversity of Florida would fit well for my plan.The very plan I made to "help" my grandmother. Not only will I be close to home, but I'll being going to a school praised for its Academics. Business my forteit and UF's as well is what made me choose this school from all others on the list. I plan to attend this school with intentions of getting a great job at the end of it. I strongly believe that the experience and knowledge this school has to offer will do just that; mold me into a person capable of being successful emotionally and financially. When this does happen, I will get my grandmother the treatment she, needless to say, deserves. My strive and dedication to see this goal be conquered is what makes me an excellent contribution to the campus community.
Good afternoon.
"citizen" should be capitalized, as it is a proper noun in this case.
Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.
"Overtime" should be "Over time"
"As I got older I became more aware of my grandmother's condition, and started doing active research on it. Looking for different treatment plans; ones that actually worked were either hard to find or too expensive." This is structurally flawed. Try something like "As I got older, I became more aware of my grandmother's condition and started doing active research on it, l ooking for different treatment plans; the ones that actually worked were either hard to find or too expensive."
"The truth is that she is suffering just as much as I am." You have switched tense here; it should be "...is that she was...I was."
"Academics" shouldn't be capitalized.
"Business is my forte and UF is ..." the rest of this sentence doesn't make sense.
What constitutes a "great job?" In what area?
"Strive" should be "drive"
Regards,
Gloria
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