Hello, I'm going to have to be sending in my UC College Applications To Berkeley, LA, San Diego, and Santa Barbara very soon and I've got an old essay which I wanted a little feedback on. I already have the first essay prompt complete and am satisfied but have been wanting to write a completely new one in place of this one for the second prompt, though being a bit lazy I might as well see what other's think.:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Basically, I was wondering:
~if this properly responds to the prompt.
~how well written it is.
~what improvements could be made.
Personally, I'm doubtful of it so please do not hesitate to be very critical.
Thanks in advance to anyone taking the time to read it!!!
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Since I don't want to use a significantly weaker essay, for sake of comparison, I'd like to know if the essay below is equally or nearly as well-written as the one posted here:
*(This essay was already reviewed and commented upon. I'm not asking for any revisions to this essay itself, but disregard this if asking you to reread it is considered a violation of the TOS)
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As a young child with my father in the military, an inevitable aspect of life was frequent reassignments around the country. Bouncing from state to state, I often encountered many new places and met numerous friends, much contributing to experiences I will never forget. Providing influence equally from hardships and unforgettable memories, it was this cycle that shaped the foundations for the person I grew up to be present day; a life centered around intellectual growth, calling for independence, responsibility, and self-motivation.
A primary consequence of often restationing was the effect upon having friends. Initially, it was always rare to come across nearby kids my own age while in military housing, often leaving me either alone or in the company of solely my family while at home. Furthermore, the few friendships that had grown were short-lived, lasting a year or two at best as a result of myself moving; and in addition, my friends being in the same situation were the ones to leave if not myself. Though it was always hard to say goodbye, friendships were very close and meaningful, etching in me everlasting memories with some of the best friends I have ever had. Moreover, I also took on the beneficial trait of an independent nature in which I became accustomed to problem solving and more self-sufficient.
Another major impact resulting from routine relocations was the fragmenting of my primary education years throughout no less than half a dozen schools. As a result, initially the first few years of school progressed with hardship. Sometimes overnight I may find myself in another classroom, demanding frequent changes in the pace of learning. From this rapid shift in environments and multiple experiences, I developed a powerful quality of flexibility and adaptability, soon allowing my full potential to begin to be extracted from school.
As I adjusted to school, almost naturally I became remarkably attached to it. For one, whereas at home friends were scarce, at school I was always surrounded by other kids my own age which for me was significant. While able to make many friends and interact with others, I always enjoyed myself most at school, and more importantly, grew highly competitive, striving to achieve above the average. With school becoming the place I enjoyed attending the most, excitement for learning followed, leading me to challenge myself to pursue advanced GATE classes, reading programs, and even computer design early on in elementary. Overall, the premature momentum in elementary school, purely driven by self-motivated goals, contrived personal expectations for achievement, launching the drive for academic success that would carry me through junior high, and sustain me up to this point in high school.
Altogether, though at times proving tough, unavoidable circumstances throughout my early childhood situation attributed to my character and favorable scholarly tendencies that contribute to success in the present. With my high school experience nearing an end, I now look to continue to utilize my full potential as I transcend to new heights in a University, paving the way for unlimited possibilities for my future.
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Thanks,
~~Reprieve
