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The golf metaphor cliche? CommonApp - conveying ideas and writing something unique


jhchan 1 / -  
Oct 4, 2011   #1
Hi this is what I have so far for my commonapp essay.

Flying through the air, a golf ball is influenced by an unpredictable environment: it may twist and turn and unfortunately end up in unwanted places. Golf swings may also be inconsistent and be influenced by numerous factors. Every golf swing accumulates and influences the final score, whether it may be to hit the ball out of a hazard or to make the tricky four feet putt. Because of the influences of a strict upbringing, the first ball I hit while growing up did not seem to be a great start to my round of golf.

The first swing on the first hole I took as an adolescent already seemed to end up in a hazard as I grew up having different ideologies than my parents'. My parents signed me up for extracurricular activities during the years following up to high school, including piano lessons and Mandarin school. Never realizing the benefits and my parents' good motives, I always pouted and complained when it was time to do Chinese homework or practice piano pieces. As a naive American-born Chinese, I had a different mindset when it came to piano and Mandarin school. I wanted to play contemporary piano pieces, but I was forced to play classical pieces. I also always dreaded Chinese homework as I thought it was tedious and useless since I spoke English more often.

Although I may have thought those years were a bad shot in the bunker when I was younger, in reality, those years were a perfect shot onto the fairway for my next target. I realize that it was not Mother Nature that is influencing my golf swings, it is Mother and Father. My parents influenced my swing in such a way to prepare my next shot for the future not only intellectually and creatively, but also mentally. They have taught me that awards and benefits will not be handed to me on a plate. Instead, I have to start early on my goals and work diligently and efficiently to achieve those goals. In retrospect, I admonish myself for not appreciating my parents' good intentions. I now cherish my ability to play piano as I am able to play any contemporary song that my creative mind desires, and my ability to play piano will last me a lifetime. Furthermore, Mandarin school is one of the most important activities my parents made me participate in; not only am I able to speak and understand Mandarin , but I also expanded my economic opportunities for the future. In an unstable economy, knowing multiple languages will be very helpful as I will be able to work in numerous environments.

However, that was only the first swing on the first hole. I still have to finish the current hole and the next 17 holes. The first swing, which was heavily influenced by my parents, is only the beginning of my development as an individual, but it has made me who I am today. I may encounter some unfortunate gusts of wind while playing golf, but with my parents' guidance, my expanding and maturing mindset, and future positive influences, I am determined to finish the rest of the holes, hopefully in 71 strokes.

Is the golf metaphor cliche or am I using the metaphor incorrectly? I feel like I sort of am ...
I want to convey I have learned a lot from my childhood, especially my parent's influences, and I am continuing to develop and grow as an individual today, building onto the lessons I learned in the past.

But overall, is this a weak essay? I have already written three different essays and I can't seem to nail it!!! =[

Thanks!
daniel44992 13 / 29  
Oct 7, 2011   #2
I tried a similar thing with a cross country race as the basis of an essay and ended up throwing it out. I get what you're trying to do with the golf metaphor but it seems so random. Do you play golf or did you just pick this randomly? It is not effective enough to warrant the space you give it because it takes up precious words in the ever infuriating word count. The actual content is really good, I would just try for another spin. I was heard an asian who made jokes that the reason he worked so hard was because he came from a "typical asian family". maybe you could do something like this??

Please help me with my essays if you can!


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