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'friend told me about the nursing home' - Common App Short Answer


blackjack11z 3 / 7  
Jan 3, 2012   #1
Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

A friend told me about the nursing home giving volunteer hours for doing practically nothing. I'm a little envious; as I yell at kids to be quiet on my daily bus ride to Project R.I.S.E. Happy to get off the bus, I lead a group of 6th graders to math class. I start by helping the teacher put up some practice problems. It's Thursday, so the 6th graders are going to attempt the Candy Problem, where the student who solves it first receives a king-sized candy of their choice. As they are finishing up the practice problems, one student signals me over, Jay is still on the first problem. One kid calls him stupid, but we ignore him as I help him understand how to multiply fractions. It comes time to start the Candy problem so I must leave the room, now Jay is feeling confident. Later at lunch, Jay comes over and pours me a handful of skittles. A huge smile comes to my face and I don't feel envious anymore because I'd rather be inspiring others with the confidence to succeed.

Please critique and point out my grammar mistakes, i would like to make as many corrections as possible before i send it in. Thank you :)
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 3, 2012   #2
Hi :) Nice job!

Your first sentence needs work:
A friend told me about the nursing home giving volunteer hours for doing practically nothing. This sounds confusing. State this more clearly.

You are envious of your friend's easy volunteer work? It is a choice, after all (right?) Err, maybe some schools require volunteer work. I would re-word this a bit, I know what you are saying, but emphasize what made you want to do this kind of work.

You paint a small picture of one day, thursday, with the kids-- you tell the story of the day in a very straightforward way- good. It needs more though, another sentence or two could "beef it up."

I cannot find any grammar errors, so you are doing fine in that area, just add more to your paper (if you can)
Good luck in school!


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