My common app essay is attached below. I will also include the prompt for your convenience. I would appreciate any help with proofreading and any ideas that would improve my essay. The word limit is 650 and my essay is currently at 610 words, so i have some wiggle room but not too much. Let me know what you all think! Thanks a lot!
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story
Johnny Jenkins
Above the Clouds
My first flight lesson may have been one of the worst experiences of my life. I am in an old, cramped two-seat plane 3,500 feet up in very turbulent air with an instructor that barely speaks English. Not to mention that I had just met him for the first time less than half an hour ago. Meanwhile, I am terrified of heights and suffer from motion sickness. However, my pride would not let me admit that I was afraid and sick. I had already vomited and swallowed it back down to avoid humiliation at least twice. Needless to say, my pride can often get the best of me, and this time was no exception.
Terribly nervous, I followed all of my instructor's directions crudely and held the yoke tensely. I tried to shield my uncertainty behind an ear-to-ear smile. I was not fooling anyone but myself. Once we began to approach the runway for landing, my irritated stomach was too much to handle. I could no longer fight my upset stomach, and I vomited all over the yoke and myself. I felt completely embarrassed and fragile. I was humiliated. How could I become a pilot when I could not make it through my introductory flight? After, the flight the instructor invited me back to fly again (no idea why he did), and I accepted his invitation. However, I had already made up in my mind that I would not actually return.
My second lesson actually occurred because I was afraid to be honest and I told my parents that I was still interested in pursuing a pilot's license. I thought about fessing up to my parents but I thought it over and gave flying one last shot. I went back to the small airstrip near my home and met the same instructor. Completely embarrassed, I apologized repeatedly for the last lesson, and he laughed. He explained to me how he had similar problems when he first began flying. I was immediately relieved. On the second flight, we both had a great time. I learned a lot and we shared many stories and laughs. I did not feel nauseas, and I forgot about my fear of heights.
With each flight, I became (and still continue to become) more confident and comfortable with flying. Flying has truly become a passion of mine, and the sky has become my sanctuary. Flying is both fun and a time for reflection. The sky is an unlimited canvas for me to paint with my thoughts. The most special flights for me are when I gaze into the horizon and lose myself in thought. There is an indescribable intimacy that I feel when I am flying. Flying provides me with a sense of escape. When I am in the air all of my problems become trivial and unimportant.
Flying has made me more disciplined, taught me the importance of humility, taught me how to be patient and reminded me to never fear the unknown. It is important to always be kind and patient with others because you never know what personal battles they are fighting. Had my instructor responded to my troubles in a different manner, I would never have had the courage to pursue flying, and I would have missed out on my passion. Now, each and everyday, I attempt to have that same patience with others. Secondly, I learned to not fear the unknown. Before I started flying, I passed up on a lot of different experiences simply because they were foreign to me. Now, I am able to eagerly step out of my comfort zone and try new things.
Hey Johnny :-) Your narrative is quite funny. All of us have experienced this sort of humiliation at least once in our lives. I admire you for having the courage to tell your story such as it is to a complete stranger. While others would have shied away from the topic and have been embarrassed by it, you found a way to use the story to portray one of your strong suits. That is what common app 1 is all about. Telling a background story that shows a sense of who you are.
In this case, I clearly saw your sense of determination and willingness to try again after having failed at something. Always an admirable trait in any individual, most specially a student. I just have one question though, what were you doing taking flying lessons if you were afraid of heights and you suffer from motion sickness? That is a lethal combination of illnesses for someone who wants to become a pilot. You didn't really explain how you ended up in the flying school before you told the story. I think that you need to represent that in order for the reviewer to better understand the reasons why you would feel the need to face up to your fears.
By the way, in the part where you tell the reviewer that the instructor invited you back for another lesson and you have no idea why he did that, it is not really necessary for you to add the part in the parenthesis about that. It doesn't really add any information to the essay so it doesn't need to be there. If you remove the parenthesis statement, the instructor automatically comes across as a kind soul who decided that you deserved another chance, regardless of the reason :-)
The rest of the essay is alright in my opinion. It offers information about you that would not be made available through the other prompt requirements. You shared not only a background story in this case, but also an insight into a talent (flying) that not everyone has the courage to try or ability to accomplish. So that helps to set you apart as a college applicant for sure. Not all of the applicants can refer to being able to fly planes as one of their talents :-)
What are the best ways to make it better?
John, I really liked your story. You managed to tell the reader that you can overcome your fears and fly a plane, besides other nice things about you and your personality, without sounding pretentious.
However, beggining the text with "My first flying lesson.." sounds a bit abrupt. Try setting the scene by explaining the reasons behind your desire to become a pilot.
Also, this part of the text seems a bit unrelated to the rest "Flying has made me more disciplined, taught me the importance of humility, taught me how to be patient and reminded me to never fear the unknown. It is important to always be kind and patient with others because you never know what personal battles they are fighting ." I believe you were referring to your own struggle at the first time you flied, but throwing up is not a hidden personal battle. Maybe rephrase or make it clearer by connecting with the rest of the text.
Hi Johnny, I already told you how to improve this essay in my previous post. I guess you did not get what I was trying to say very clearly. Let me list down the points for improvement again, this time, I'll number it for your guidance.
1. What were you doing taking flying lessons if you were afraid of heights and you suffer from motion sickness? Try to explain why you took flying lessons even though your character traits were doomed to make you fail as a pilot. What made you face up to those fears and why?
2. What made you take up the instructors offer to fly again? Why did you decide to give it another try?
3. What changed during your second flight that made the activity more enjoyable and less nerve wracking to you?
The above questions are designed to help you improve or make your essay better. Add those pieces of information to help make the essay clearer to the reviewer. Right now, those are the unanswered questions that affect the overall essence of your work.
John, your essay is quiet amazing to read, taking up flying lessons knowing all your phobia is such a courageous act, yet you conquered it and made known that you can will do whatever it takes to push for things that matters most to you and for your future goals.
This story is also good as a response to the prompt, it's fresh, it's quirky, I mean you will have fun reading it.
Incorporating a real life journey is always a good piece to read and worth your time.
Going to a more integrated aspect of your essay, the prompt asked for a side of your life that you will not be able to complete the essay without and I believe you did suffice what is asked. However, I'd like to suggest that you give the admission staff some information that could connect your flying activities to goals that you will pursue later on in life. Remember, academic gain is the utmost goal in writing this essay.
Overall, I believe that your essay is written well, just make sure that you include a few more sentences on the part were you are gearing towards your goal of being a pilot.
I hope this suggestions help, Captain!
