Dear Administrator,
This essay is for my college application! Any comments, edit, or reviews would be fantastic!
Thank you!
A significant obstacle in someone's life can easily be their first big move. This is the case for most people, including me. At the tender age of thirteen, I moved from a quiet suburban town to a busy, bustling and poverty-ridden country known as Sierra Leone, located in West Africa. After my younger sister pleaded for me to stay in this foreign land that I had grown up hearing stories about with her, I immediately regretted making such an impulsive decision. I constantly feared not being accepted amongst a tough and uncompromising demographic as a young teenager, and moving to a country where social status and class could either make or break you, it was a mind-wrecking experience. However, using my intellect, common sense, positive attitude, I was able to successfully navigate my way into a new life from what I had grown up accustomed to.
My first day of school could be comparable to any other kid at new school. Nerve racking. From the moment I stepped out of the car I could feel the stares from everyone around as I was escorted by my cousin to the classroom. My fast pace strides of movement felt as if I was walking in slow motion. I had never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Back at my old school I was the outgoing bubbly personality, but here I had never felt so out of place. I felt as if every move, word, or sound I made was under the judgment of everyone around me. To think that was hard enough, I had to introduce myself to the whole class! Bullets of sweat ran down my face as I slowly uttered my name under my breath, and when asked to repeat it again I could feel myself struggle to get the words out of my mouth. As the day went on, I was dazed at the curriculum the students were taught, and couldn't believe how the students could cope with such rigorous courses. The average 7th grader in Sierra was learning not only English and social studies, but also courses such as biology, physics, and business studies just to name a few. I had never been exposed to such topics before back in the states and I honestly didn't know if could handle such courses.
Over the span of several months I started to take matters into my own hands. I would not let such an experience that most people would perceive to be an amazing opportunity go to waste. I started going to tutorials to catch up to pace in my classes, as well as, study outside of school. However, I still had a one more dilemma; I had no social life whatsoever. I wanted to win the approval of my classmates so desperately that I was willing to do absolutely anything. One thing lead to another, and before you knew it I was making poor decisions that molded me into a person that I or my family didn't even know. I was so caught up in trying to fit in that I lost myself in midst of a reality that I had made up to be acceptable. Something had to change and it had to start with me.
I turned a new leaf in my life by showing people the real me; the bubbly, kindhearted, and goofy girl that I thought I had left behind was the only person I knew how to be. Before I knew it I was creating real friendships and memories that would last me a lifetime. I learned to accept that not fitting in was okay, because it was even greater to stand out. I had many ups and downs while I was in Sierra Leone, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I found something that some people could waste a lifetime to discover and that was myself.
My first day of school could be comparable to any other kid at new school. Nerve racking. should be My first day of school could be comparable to any other kid at new school, nerve racking. Instead of Back at my old high school just say At my old high school. I found your essay interesting. You had a good attention grabber and I wanted to keep reading to the end. It was not boring in any way. This is a very good essay.
Marlayna, I believe you have a good essay here, you were able to properly incorporate
your experience and serve as an inspiration to students who face the same struggle.
I don't see anymore enhancement to be done, however, I'd like to strengthen your final paragraph.
Final paragraph
- and goofy girl that I thought I had left behind was the only person I knew how to be .
- Before I knew it I was creating real friendships and memories that would last me a lifetime.
- I learned to accept that not fitting in was okayfine , because to stand out is even greater.it was even greater to stand out.
There you have it, I believe you should be good to go, for now, I wish you good luck and keep writing!
