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Final U of M Essays Short Essays. Punctuation and Quality Comments needed


timothyerdei 4 / 16  
Jan 15, 2009   #1
School of Nursing: Describe why you want to be a nurse. Include your specific experiences and abilities related to health care that will make you a good candidate for the nursing profession. Also describe your understanding of nursing's role in health care and how you see yourself embodying these roles.

"Wake up," said my mother in a panic, "there's been an accident." We rushed to the ER where we immediately encountered family who had assembled in the lobby. As time passed, anxious minds began to race as thoughts of the unknown surfaced. Then, as uncertainty reached its climax, we were approached by a few nurses. They informed us of the stabilizing condition of my uncle, providing us with comfort and care as if we too had been injured. With recurring hospital visits, I discovered that our experience with nurses that day was not a special occurrence, but rather the norm with all the nurses we encountered. I became intrigued, and my interest in nursing began to flourish.

As my Knowledge of the nursing profession increased, I became progressively aware that nursing would be the perfect job for me. Nursing requires many attributes such as intelligence, flexibility, patience, and most importantly, teamwork. Furthermore, with nursing as the backbone of health care, a lack of nurses can result in overpopulated waiting areas, longer waiting times, and late or cancelled procedures. I have experienced working extensively with a team and believe I obtain all the qualities that would make me an excellent candidate for the nursing profession.

My interest in nursing has rapidly evolved into a desire to not only embody the integral role of nursing as the foundation upon which health care stands, but to provide impacting care to individuals in the same manner it was provided to me. All attainable aspirations through my future preparations at the University of Michigan's School of Nursing.

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

Beginning at the age of sixteen at my current place of employment, I was immediately thrust into the diverse yet exciting culture of the Philippines. With owners, managers, and a majority of the workers being of the Filipino nationality, the primary language of the Philippines, Tagalog, is spoken frequently. The intimidation caused by this language barrier was quickly destroyed as I became familiar with the language. For instance, I would say "Baliw Ka," which means "you are crazy" in Tagalog, striking immediate laughter amongst my colleagues, lessening tension.

With time, I began to establish close relationships with my new found colleagues. Through these relationships, I was able to build a strong friendship with a girl named Krysyl, who just recently moved to the United States from the Philippines. As a result, I began to discover fascinating things about the Filipino culture while also sharing my own personal experiences. We began to exchange stories of family, education, religion, and common every day things. I was astonished by how much we have in common despite being raised thousands of miles apart. We have gained respect for one another both individually and culturally and will continue our friendship for years to come.

As I proceed in my life and my education at the University of Michigan, I plan to share these experiences with others in an attempt to impact their lives' as much as they have impacted mine. A small but vital role to increase cultural appreciation, not only at the University of Michigan, but wherever life takes me.
penguin8 2 / 3  
Jan 15, 2009   #2
the primary language of the Philippines, Tagalog, is spoken frequently

instead, people frequently speak Tagalog, the primary language of the Philippines

thus lessening the tension.

just recently moved. or probably, : has/ had just recently moved. your call.

"A small but vital role to increase cultural appreciation, not only at the University of Michigan, but wherever life takes me." This sentence sounds incomplete.

Good job! I love how you've made the short essays interesting. Usually the brevity of such assignments leaves little room for weaving a nice composition :).
OP timothyerdei 4 / 16  
Jan 15, 2009   #3
Thanks! I will take all your comments and apply them. Anyone else? Forum mods?
Backes27 2 / 10  
Jan 15, 2009   #4
In the first the essay, fix the capitalization error in "knowledge". Really good essays
OP timothyerdei 4 / 16  
Jan 16, 2009   #5
WOW! I didn't even notice that! Thanks! Anyone else! These are going out today!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 16, 2009   #6
Let's divide these two sentences:

"Wake up," said my mother in a panic. "There's been an accident."

"Such as" is cliche, but colons are powerful:

Nursing requires many attributes: intelligence, flexibility, patience, and most importantly, teamwork.
For that last sentence of essay #1, you actually ended it with a sentence fragment. "All attainable aspirations..." this sentence has no verb!!! You can fix it by writing, "These aspirations are attainable through..." or alternatively you can connect the last two sentences by using a dash:

...provided to me -- all attainable...

Essay 2

At the end, it would be great if you could say something specific about a program or club that you would like to join or start, or some other way that you can share this sort of insight. Any specific example come to mind? It is great when students have clearly envisioned, specific plans. Also:

Beginning At the age of sixteen, at my current place of employment , I was immediately thrust into the diverse-yet-exciting culture of the Philippines: I became employed at a (what kind of business?) where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of the Filipino nationality. so The primary language of the Philippines, Tagalog, was spoken frequently.

Good luck!!! :)
OP timothyerdei 4 / 16  
Jan 16, 2009   #7
WAIT! Should it be: I became employed at a local Tim Hortons where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of Filipino nationality

Or: I was employed by a local Tim Hortons where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of Filipino nationality

Or: I became employed by a local Tim Hortons where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of Filipino nationality
kids_jessy 8 / 34  
Jan 16, 2009   #9
I think it should be the second one which is "I was employed by a local Tim Hortons where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of Filipino nationality".
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 17, 2009   #10
Yes, the second one is definitely the best of the three choices.


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