Hi, I need help on revising, structuring, and figuring out if I left any important information out. Thanks!
Prompt: The personal essay should include a summary of your background, creative interests, academic and professional goals. The personal essay may include unusual life experiences, important influences in your life, your motivation to study film and television, and the kind of creative work you hope to pursue. Do not use the personal essay to flatter us; use these few pages to create a very personal and vivid picture of yourself, what is most important to you, and your creative and professional goals.
My essay:
When I was young, my family and I never got to bond as much due to my parents working most of the time. One day, my mom suggested that my dad take my siblings and I to the movies. Due to the expense, and being born into a low-income family, it was rare for any of us to go to the movies. So being able to go to the movies at that time served as a special day. We always try to preserve our money on more useful things. But in that case, we went ahead so we can do more "family bonding". I remember how excited my siblings and I were.
We watched an animated film called "Despicable Me". Despite my dad not really understanding much of what the characters were saying, he still laughed in most scenes of the movie. All I can remember from that day was that we were all happy. We were sitting together, all eyes on one screen and afterwards kept talking about the movie on our way home; about how it was funny and just great overall.
That is exactly what I love about films, the way they pull an audience together. If the genre is comedy, everyone laughs together. If it is action, people's eyes lit up in astonishment. The feeling of watching a movie with others and feeling the same emotions always gave me a sense of comfort.
Just recently, I watched an old horror movie with my classmates. The film was ridiculously funny and suspenseful. We all made our own little comments the entire time watching the film and just kept laughing so much. After the movie, everyone just sat thinking, "What in the world did I just watch?" A rhetorical question that even I delved on. I ended up just smiling to myself because I realized that if the whole class had not watched the movie together, no one in my class would have enjoyed it as much as we did watching it alone.
I had a slight interest in film growing up and never fully realized it until a while back. When I was younger, I would record random videos of my siblings and edited it on a software to show to them, just so we can have something to laugh on. I created countless videos back then, and never took to account that making and editing videos was a hobby to me at that time. Having been bored, my siblings and I even attempted to write out a script one day and record scenes of us re-enacting it.
Throughout my life until now, I have recorded videos and kept them as memories. There were times when I would edit so much that I now have a gist of how some editing software works. It has only been recently that I figured out that majoring in film is the dream I want to pursue after looking back at my life experiences.
From the small videos I created, I want to move onto a bigger picture. I envision creating a film in the future where I want to be able to connect to an audience in all sorts of ways; to make people happy, sad, relate to the film, feel simply in awe or maybe just give them different emotions all at once.
Getting a bachelor's degree in a film major will help me to achieve my dream of creating films that connect with people. Being able to experience hands on what it is like to work on a project will be a stepping stone to the goal I hope to accomplish.
With the experience and knowledge I receive, I will put it to use and create films that will touch the hearts of many people and allow them to find comfort in my creations.
Lynn, I think you need to revise this essay mostly because your goal for wanting to become a filmmaker is not really strong and does not resonate well with the reviewer. Keep in mind that you are going to be applying for film school alongside some students whose reasons for pursuing a film career run deep in their veins. Your reason, sounds too whimsical and less than serious to the reviewer. Just because you made a few home movies and wrote a few lines which you shot, and because you learned to use editing software, does not make your reasons for wanting to attend film school imperative.
While you were asked not to flatter the reviewer when you write this essay, there is nothing in the rules that state that you cannot use serious reasons for wanting to become a film maker. Your reasons are quite common place at this point and is the standard, almost generic answer of most people with a "simple" interest in film school. That just won't do in a college application.
Try to delve deeper into your past experiences with watching films. Think back to that time you saw the movie with your father. What was the emotion that was running through you at the time? How would you explain that emotion and how it could have influenced you to become a film maker? It should be more than just about bringing joy to the viewer. Try to develop a response that presents more of a personal connection between film and yourself. The development of your response as a goal should center on "family bonding" as the main goal that you wish to pursue this career.
Aside from that goal, you also need to develop your academic interest in film. Pick up this discussion from the moment you learned to use the software program then connect it in some way to your "family bonding" experience with your siblings. The theme of your essay should be all about that bond that films create for families who watch or are involved in its creation. I believe that would make this essay "pop" for sure.
Lynn, I believe your essay can be revised to make is stronger, the interest and willingness to study and pursue films
is not dully justified in your essay. Don't get me wrong, part of the essay is good, the background, creative interest and
the rest of the needed information for the essay is covered, that's why you just need to revise it and not to write an entirely
different essay.
The revision should focus or at least dedicate a full paragraph that will showcase your interest on films,
how would you want to grow with it academically and professionally and ultimately, how will this
fulfill your career goals in the future.
I hope to see the revised essay soon here on EF so we can assist you further.
