This is my essay for Stanford... I am not sure if I answer the prompt properly... Please help and critique on the essay. Thanks in advance. :)
Back when I was seven years old, my family and I were living in India. One morning when I was getting ready for school, I dropped my pencil on the ground near the bed. As I went to grab the pencil, I realized that there was a small box under the bed. I pulled out the box and saw that it was all dusty and dirty. I took a towel and wiped the box and then I opened the box slowly because I was thinking it was one of those boxes which when one opens, a clown pops out. As I opened the box, nothing popped out and in the box there were a lot of coins.
I pulled out the coins and put it in my bag making sure that my parents did not see me and I put the box back just the way I found it. When I went to school, I was so excited because this was the first time that I had some money which I could spend on anything I wanted and the best part was that my parents did not know. During the short 15 minute break, I went to the school cafeteria to buy some food but realizing that I didn't have a lot of money and that I wanted to buy something for the next 10 to 15 days, I bought mango ice cream and I happily ate it. That was when I realized how much apparent freedom money could bring to people and for the next 10 days, I bought the same thing never getting bored of it and never realizing I was slowly running out of money.
On the 11th day, I reached into my bag to pull out some money as usual and I found that I had a few coins left but not enough to buy a mango ice cream. I just ate my lunch that day and when I got home, my parents were sitting on the sofa speaking softly to each other. As I passed them on my way to my room, my father asked me "Did you take money from home?" I replied "No." He kept asking me the question over and over again and I kept saying no. After about saying no 20 times, I said "yes". My father said that he knew that I had taken the money from home and that I should not lie about such small things like taking 10 rupees from home. That day, my father taught me an important lesson which was to always be honest and it is a life lesson which I feel is useful and I will never forget it.
Your essay has good background but you should really expand more about the lesson. It teaches you honesty but how has that developed you intellectually? I think the "plot summary" is a little excessive so I would cut down on the clown popping out, and the school purchasing process. Best to just limit your "spending of the money" to just about 2 sentences. Expand more on how this life lesson of honesty developed you. HOW it developed you like what did your dad do as a punishment and why it stuck on you. I think this will make your essay a lot more in depth.
I have edited it and made the changes you suggested... please re-read and comment. Thanks!
Back when I was seven years old, my family and I were living in India. One morning when I was getting ready for school, I dropped my pencil on the ground near the bed. As I went to grab the pencil, I realized that there was a small box under the bed. I pulled out the box and saw that it was all dusty and dirty. I took a towel and wiped the box and then I opened the box slowly. When I was done opening the box, I found a lot of coins.
I pulled out the coins and put it in my bag making sure that my parents did not see me and I put the box back just the way I found it. When I went to school, I was so excited because this was the first time that I had some money which I could spend on anything I wanted and the best part was that my parents did not know. During the short 15 minute break, I went to the school cafeteria to buy some food but realizing that I didn't have a lot of money and that I wanted to buy something for the next 10 to 15 days, I bought mango ice cream and I happily ate it. That was when I realized how much apparent freedom money could bring to people and for the next 10 days, I bought the same thing never getting bored of it and never realizing I was slowly running out of money.
On the 11th day, I reached into my bag to pull out some money as usual and I found that I had a few coins left but not enough to buy a mango ice cream. I just ate my lunch that day and when I got home, my parents were sitting on the sofa speaking softly to each other. As I passed them on my way to my room, my father asked me "Did you take money from home?" I replied "No." He kept asking me the question over and over again and I kept saying no. After about saying no 20 times, I said "yes". My father said that he knew that I had taken the money from home and that I should not lie about such small things like taking 10 rupees from home.
The punishment that I received from my father was to write "I will not steal and I will not lie." a thousand times in my notebook. Now and then when I feel that there is a need for me to lie, I ask myself if it is worth the 1000 sentences that I will have to write, the pain and the time. That day, my father taught me an important lesson which was to always be honest and it is a life lesson which I feel is useful and I will never forget it.
Hi,
I think you can revise your first paragraph more so that it flows better. All the detail in the first paragraph is completely irrelevant to the prompt. I think that you really have to expand on how the experience affected your intellectual development. A short little paragraph I think is not enough elaboration. I think that you can just cut the entire second paragraph to one sentence saying something along the lines of, "I took the money in the box and for the next ten days at school, I bought mango ice cream." And again I think you should reread your essay and improve the flow. There is a lot of redundancy in your words which I think can help you save space to expand about the intellectual development. You can give in example of when this has come into use for you. Sorry if I sound very tedious but I hope I can help you produce a better essay. :]
Hello Ashwin,
The prompt asks for you to address an idea or experience that has led to intellectual development. I'm sure that you are very honest today, but how has that led to your intellectual development. In other words, how has that event led to the way you think today, or the way you approach a situation, or how that event has affected a ceratin aspect of your lifestyle. If you are honest, that's great, and i'm sure every Stanford applicant would like to call himself that. How does you honesty show in your intellectual life?
Sorry for the criticism.
Rajesh
