I'm still not done with my essay, I still have many points that need correcting and need to add more...but I open to much needed help.
-Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
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It was still 1996, that same year my mother set out on a journey, it was that journey that became the foundation of the person I am today, and no it wasn't my birth, instead my mother had bigger plans, with a 2 year old and a child that still hadn't spoken her first words or even walk properly, we "crossed the border". My mother didn't want to be separated from her husband nor did she want her little girls to be raised without their father, she knew the risk it would be but she took them anyway.
Being only an infant I don't remember the journey or even my first few years living in the U.S., but it's a classic my mother would always tell us the incredible journey she took, on how on an inflatable boat we crossed the river in the middle of the night. I may not remember the journey or my first year in the states, but what I do remember is how I loved to watch her sew, my eyes would be glued to just watching how that needle would tear through the fabric only to create a piece of clothing, even watching her hem a pair of jeans, I would just pull on her arm trying to get a better look on the magic she was performing, sometimes she would have to sew with me hanging on to her arm tugging it down just to get a peek on how the needle would go in one side and out the other, I was like a kitten following the glowing dot.
My mother didn't hand me a candy or the tv remote, in distract me, instead she handed me a hope and a needle, I still remember having that embroidery hoop being too big for my stubby little hands. I was so excited, I did everything she told me, only difference was that I would poke myself every five second, I would think to myself how can you know where the needle is supposed to come out, my mother would laugh at my attempts of embroidery, how i would stick the needle in and turn the whole hoop around only to repeat the process. Unlike "normal" girls my age that would collect stuffed animals or dolls, I would collect hoops, needles, and threads, every size and color, I just had to have them all...
As time passed, i didn't just want to make a handkerchief or decorate a pillowcase, I wanted to make something bigger, I wanted to make pants, shirts and dresses, I really wanted to make dresses, so I would get all the dolls I could find mine, my sisters, even my brothers action figures weren't safe. and I started to make cloths for them, I remember making my first pair of shorts for my brothers max steal, I stole some of my mom's fabric, got the scissors, a pair of my brothers shorts to use as a guide and since I couldn't find the color thread I needed I ended up using a red thread on my black jean fabric, I took all these items in my room and closed the door, this was a moment of discovery, of trial and error and I did not want to be disturbed.
I would like to help you with some paragraphs in your essay. I think you should make two separate sentences: "My mother had bigger plans that year, with a 2-year-old and a child that still hadn't spoken her first words or even walked properly." In the next sentence, place a comma after "nor". Separate your sentence: "She knew the risk it would be, but she took them anyway."
2nd paragraph: Place a comma after "infant". You can be more specific and replace classic with "story".
You can separate your sentence again: "She took an the incredible journey with us on how on an inflatable boat and we crossed the river in the middle of the night." You could use a transition to begin another sentence: "Also, watching her hem a pair of jeans,I..."
You can separate your sentence again: "I was like a kitten following the glowing dot."
3rd paragraph: You could change the first sentence and add a few words: "...candy or the remote for the television in order to distract me, instead she handed me hope and a needle." (When you discuss the embroidery hoop, you should form a new sentence.)
The next sentence, place "the" before only and state "every five seconds". You should begin a new sentence when you begin to think to yourself about where the need should come out. The last sentence in this paragraph should be: "I just had to have them all"
I'm unsure about the length of this essay, but the motivation with which you apply for this program, extracurricular activities, and awards are not mentioned in the essay. Don't forget to include this information!
I hope this helps you!
Miriam, since you posted the 5 common app prompts for your application, you need to let us know which one you are planning to answer here. It sounds like you are trying to answer all 5 prompts in one essay. I would not advice you to do that as the essay would become not only too long for the reviewer to read, but also result in a little developed essay that will not help your application. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board on this one. Pick the prompt that you feel you can best represent from your experiences and then work on developing that prompt alone. As far as I know each of these prompts carry a 500 word limit so I doubt that you were aiming to answer all of the prompts in one essay.
From the way I read your essay so far, you could answer either motivation, personal background, or significant experience. Opt for only 1 of the 3. Evaluate your own strengths and weaknesses. List them down in an outline for each prompt then decide which of the 3 shows your strongest attributes. Whichever ranks the highest should be the prompt that you respond to. Take your time in choosing the prompt you want to answer. You only get one shot at representing yourself on paper to the reviewer so make it count.
My opinion, based upon what you have already written so far, is that you might do well to concentrate solely on your motivation to pursue this particular career path. Your essay already shows your early interest in this field so try to highlight it. You don't need to go all the way back to discussing your infancy. Open the essay instead with the statement of watching your mother with a needle, thread, and fabric and how that had a significant impact upon your young mind. Then work on developing the supporting ideas for your motivation. That should make the essay quite informative.
- ...that still hadn'thasn't spoken her...
- Being only an infant...
- ...on how on an inflatable boat ...
-...we crossed us to the river in the middle of the night.
- ...be glued to just watching how...
- ...that needle would tear through the fabric onlyin order to create a piece of clothing,
- ...would go in on one side and out to the other,
- ...remote, into distract me,
- ...instead she handed me a hope and a needle,
- and I started to make clothsclothes for them,
- ...the color of the thread I needed...
- I ended up using a red thread on my black jeansas a fabric,
Such a very detailed piece of writing, this is very good!!! KUDOS to you!!!
Following this draft and the remarks I made, I know you will be able to complete this essay very well, just like your projects.
I hope to read the finish essay s we can help you further.
