Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you achieve your goals.
Lights, wires, many different switches whose labels were no longer comprehensible, a mirror on the back, and layers and layers of webs created by a small spider. That's what I saw when I took apart the television and looked inside its frame. The curiosity, though not completely relieved had to be put aside, for I could not do anything else with the old television, though I did manage to figure out the function of many parts of the old television.
My curiosity of the world and all that belonged to it stemmed from my thirst for knowledge and the pure resentment of not knowing. And it is these qualities that have led me to aspire to become an engineer. As I grew older, I became more and more aware of opportunities to learn, taking things apart and putting things back together. Even today, I take apart every pen I can, comparing one with another, looking for even the minutest of differences. I would immediately seize each opportunity with their arrival, no matter the difficulty. I realized that the path I was to take would not be an easy one.
And soon enough, I was given an opportunity to take physics, a class meant for seniors, as a sophomore. I signed up without hesitation, fully expecting a class that was far more difficult than any other class I have yet taken. Despite spending many late nights studying, I experienced many failures, unable to grasp the concepts being taught; however, I kept studying, intensifying my research on what I did not understand and eventually I was able to connect one concept with another. By the end of the year I no longer needed to just memorize what to do to solve a certain problem, but instead I understood how each formula was used, allowing me to apply my knowledge of the formulas and concepts, and ultimately succeeding in the class, not only achieving a good grade which most were unable to accomplish, but also gaining an abundance of knowledge I did not have prior to takin this class. After taking this class, I came to the realization that I thoroughly enjoy physics, as I was able to gain new experiences and knowledge that I strove for as throughout my life. In fact, it came to me as a shock that the reason cars didn't go flying off curves in a highway was actually due to the friction of the road, or that in spending hours typing or writing an essay, no work was technically being done. I cannot wait to expand my knowledge even further in my senior year, when I yet again get another opportunity to take a more advanced physics class more focused on mechanical and electrical aspects of engineering.
Aside from education, I also dedicated myself to swimming, which I started in freshman year. Although I was initially one of the slowest members of the team, placing last in whatever event I was placed in, the thought of giving up never occurred to me. I remember only thinking that I had to work harder, get stronger, and get faster. Allowing the frustrations of failure fuel my motivation, I swam everyday working ten times as hard as everyone else in the pool just too barely make the intervals that the other swimmers seemed to make with ease. Swimming and lifting weights to the point of collapse each and every day, I slowly improved. By the end of junior year, I was able to compete and place in the finals of the regional swim meet, with a time in my 100 yard freestyle that was almost 20 seconds faster than when I first started swimming.
With these experiences, I know that I can break the current laws of physics figuratively and literally, because even without being forced, I will continually move forward, constantly improving, working better and faster, never a stagnant moment in my life. I will achieve one goal after and eventually change the world of engineering.
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I'm sure there are lots of improvements that could be made to this essay
Devin, there is definitely a lot of improvement that can be made with your essay. Mainly because the prompt is not being responded to in the correct manner. To put it more clearly, the essay does not give the correct answer at all. The discussion that you made did not concern any extra curricular activities, only academics. So you need to revise the essay to cover more of the extra curricular and zero of the academic side.
You were already on the right track with your opening statement about taking apart the old television. That was an extra curricular activity that corresponded with the prompt. It was a very strong start to your essay. Somehow, you got waylaid / lost while writing and instead of continuing down the extra curricular road of discussion, you veered towards the academic discussion and stayed on that path until you got to the part of your essay when you discussed swimming.
Now swimming is another extra curricular activity that is directly in line to responding to the prompt. The way that you discussed how swimming helped you learn lessons and helped you improve yourself so that you would become a stronger and more winnable version of you really resonates with the reader. That said, all we have to do is remove the academic part in the middle of the essay because it takes up more than 50% of the paper when it should not even be there in the first place.
What you should discuss in its place, can be something taken from one of the extra curricular activities that the university offers. Remember, the prompt is asking you discuss an extra curricular activity that you plan to pursue in the future and explain how it can help you achieve your future goals. So whether it is joining the swim team of the school, or joining the electronics club, or signing up for something that nobody would have thought to be of interest to you, write about it in this essay. That is what the prompt is looking for. The academic side that you so vividly described belongs to another prompt altogether.
I hope you can post the revised essay here when you are done with it :-)
2nd paragraph
- Even today, I taketore apart every pen I can,
- looking for even the minutestof differences between them .
3rd paragraph
- AndS oon enough,
- I was given anthe opportunity to take physics,
- By the end of the year I no longer needed to just memorize..
- I did not have prior to taking this class.
- After taking this class,( no need to state the logic )
- ...knowledge that I strovestrivefor as throughout my life.
Final paragraph
- never a stagnantdormant moment in my life.
There you have it, I hope it helps!
Devin, the essay is good. However, the prompt states that you should discuss your current and future academic and extra curricular activities in relation to your future academic goals. The problem that exists now in your essay is that it delves too much on your past academic experience. I can see that you have current training in the form of seminars. That information should be somewhere at the near top of the page so that you can immediately offer an answer to the prompt and prevent yourself from discussing your past academic experiences. You already attended UT, you were already a member of the robotics club. Those are all in the past and therefore, do not fall under the prompt requirements.
What your essay lacks at this point is a reference to your future academic academic activities at the university. Discuss the future classes you look forward to attending and how you hope to have those classes further strengthen your background in electrical engineering and robotics. Maybe you plan on joining the swim team or trying you hand at a new sport as a new student. Talk about how you see those activities helping you adjust to your college life and maybe, teaching you a few things along the way that can help ease your stress as a student. Hey, if there is a robotics club at this university, talk about a keen interest in joining that as well.
Basically, your essay just needs to be brought back to the present and taken to the future of your academic and extra curricular interests. Right now, it is buried in a past that is not relevant to the prompt requirements. While you may feel a need to explain your past activities, the reviewer does not see the point. It is never in your best interest to deliver information to the reviewer that he is not asking for. It shows a lack of skill when it comes to understanding instructions and could adversely affect your application. He is asking for a discussion of your present and future academic and extra curricular activities that will help you achieve your goals, give him that and only that as a response.
Thank you very much for all your suggestions so far. Its just that this essay was written from a future perspective as if i was looking back at my life. i have not yet actually attended UT or been to college so would those activities such as joining the robotics club not be considered as a future activity? or should i change the perspective of the essay so i talk about that stuff as if it has not yet occurred and how those things will help me achieve my goal?
Devin, change the perspective of the whole essay and you will be more prompt compliant. Don't get imaginative with your responses otherwise you will end up having this essay tossed away by the reviewer. The voices that you should be using in this essay are present active and future active. You have not done these activities yet according to you, so why are you already looking back on it?
The prompt needs you to discuss your ideas at this very moment in time. In the present, looking towards the future. There is no space in the prompt for any flashback thoughts, even though you thought you were able to make it relate to your present and future academic and extra curricular activities. That was an unsuccessful attempt on your part.
Don't jeopardize your chance of getting into your chosen university just because you decided to get creative in your presentation. The reviewer will not know that you are doing that. As far as the reviewer is concerned, you are using past tenses and therefore, these activities have already occurred. As such, it does not provide the correct prompt information anymore. Once the reviewer decides that you did not respond correctly to the prompt, your application is finished, failed if you will.
