Hi guys! This is an appeal/waitlist personal statement for UC DAVIS and UCSD. It needs to be edited down to 500 words. Let me know what you guys think and what I should do to make it better. Thank you so much!
I deserve to be here. That's probably a statement that you've heard so many times that it means absolutely nothing to you. However, to me, this statement resonates in my head in everything that I do. Since Freshman Year when I got into UC Riverside, I felt that I deserved to be there. But time and time again, I was tested. Initially when I got into UC Riverside I moved into a sister's house, a house with fellow Christians. I deserved to be there. I met all their requirements. I grew up as a Christian. I read the bible- sometimes. I attended every single church meeting. However, because a lack of foresight and preconceived notions from my church's elders brought on by a girl who had it out for me, she convinced them that I should be kicked out by lies. I left immediately, fleeing what I thought would be my home away from home and that I could find comfort in when I left my family. Subsequently, I moved into another church member's house. Who disrespected my privacy. Went into my room that I paid for to look through my personal items, answer my phone calls, and meddle in my relationship. All in the name of the so called "Church life". I thought I deserved to be there, but I was proved wrong again. I then found a housemate to move in with on Craig's list. I thought I could finally have some peace. I was uprooted three times now in half a year, when I have never moved once in my life. She seemed perfect on paper, seemed perfect when I met her. Turns out she was doing and dealing drugs. I couldn't report her to the police because her boyfriend a 6" 4' heavy built was her drug dealer and had a key to the house. I never spoke a word about it to my parents. Very few people knew about my predicament. I deserved to be there. Or so I thought. After she moved out, another girl moved in, who proved to be worse than the last. She never revealed to me that she had mental issues. She went to rehab for her issues, but never revealed them to me. Her mother wanted me to take care of her. Constantly barraging me with calls asking me how I should help her daughter. Her daughter sensing that I was happier than she was, made it her mission to make my life horrible. She slowly tried to become me, and even to her last day living with me she wanted to destroy me. She chose to sue me for money that she had to right to. Not wanting to fight with her anymore, I gave in. Her mental issues caused me to believe that I had my own mental issues. I suck into depression. I couldn't focus on my school work, let alone myself. I was constantly going home. Driving and hour plus every week just to get away from everything. I deserved to be there, but because of external circumstances it caused my grades to plunge. However, I strove to do what I could to the best of my abilities. I deserve to be here. I know you are tired of hearing that by everyone. But just like everywhere else that I left, I deserved to be there. Even more so here.
Phoebe, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can get and convey constructive feedback towards other members' essays. I do hope that after getting feedback from us, you will keep actively participating in this remarkable website.
With regards to your essay, I would like to address noticeable mistakes towards your Personal Statement essay. First, instead of making 1 huge and bulky paragraph like this, it is better for you to separate each paragraph, for instance a 500-words essay usually consists of 5 or 6 paragraphs. Second, you need to avoid using contractions such as 'that's, you've, and others', these are not suggested because it will make your essay become less formal. Coordinating conjunctions, like 'but, or, and etc', are not appropriate to be used in the first part of the sentence. This also makes your essay sounds informal. You also need to re-check your essay by doing proof read, some sentence fragments are vividly noticeable there. You have to make sure that in a sentence, either simple or complex sentence, you need to check whether it has complete 'subject and verb' combination or not. For example, Driving and hour plus every week just to get away from everything. and Even more so here. These sentences are incomplete, and therefore need to be revised.
As you can see Phoebe, fixing general errors will be a good revision, after you have done revising your essay, you can post it again here to gain constructive and comprehensive feedback from contributors or members in this forum.
Cheers :)
Appeal/Waitlist Personal Statement for UCs
How should I make this better and shorten it to 500 words? Thanks!
[....] However, I strove to do what I could to the best of my abilities. I deserve to be here. I know you are tired of hearing that by everyone. Just like all my living situation, I deserve to be there and here.
