Deciding to Leave High School- UC - experience

Prompt #2 (all applicants)- 1,000 words total including first prompt.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Hi everyone, I think my essay is a bit too long and I'm not sure if there are too many general statements. Also, I want to make sure it doesn't have any kind of a negative tone because I do talk about the reactions of other people to my decision. Constructive criticism is appreciated! Thanks!!:)

I stood in front of the class a bit hesitantly, blushing at my boldness yet proud of my accomplishments as I unveiled my wall of nude portraits; women drawn in swirling shades of red rust and sea green pastels, legs draped over chairs and luminous breasts emerging from deep backgrounds. It was my final portfolio for my figure drawing class, my third art class at college since I had decided to leave traditional high school. My teacher complimented me on the progress I had made, saying it made sense that I excelled at drawing nudes because of my "sensual drawings of teapots during the previous semester". He couldn't help adding to the class of forty, "and guess what class, she's only fifteen!" "Sixteen" I corrected him, having turned sixteen a little over a month ago. I felt my palms start to sweat, my face turn red, and a nervous smile making its way across my face as a result of being singled out once again.

Starting college courses at fifteen and leaving traditional high school was a choice that gave me a newfound faith in my ability to decide how I want to live my life. I was thrilled and I was terrified. For the first couple of weeks simply the sight of high school students walking down the street with their jansport backpacks would make me nervous- they were somewhere that I wasn't, they were all collectively doing something that I had refused to do. I was rising above the influence and deciding to "not do" high school. For a self-conscious teenager who wanted acceptance and didn't exactly want to stand out as an anomaly beyond wearing a retainer in college, this was a big deal.

I did end up getting a lot of flack for not following the pack. In college, outside of it, or just people in general would look at me incredulously when they found out. I was either ruining my life, was some advanced child prodigy genius, or simply some strange breed of teenager, which they were puzzled by, angered by, tickled by or inspired by. No matter what they thought, I inspired controversy wherever I went! Eventually, I became less of the specimen and fearful of being observed and more of the observer myself. I noticed who accepted me and who didn't, and befriended accordingly. The experience proved to be good in learning to understand what I valued in people, and thus in myself. It made me more accepting of other people's choices and differences as it allowed me to accept my own.

Most importantly, it was my first step in becoming an independent thinker and adult. My choice was made after thinking and reading about all that was involved, evaluating my decision, and eventually taking action. It involved going inside myself rather than the outside world for the answers.

Looking to other people for confirmation of my beliefs, my choices and my own worth is something I continue to struggle with. However, I know that this experience was the first step in shifting some of my value placed in other's opinions of me because it showed me the fruits gained by taking personal responsibility. I was able to see the value of listening to your heart and going against the grain as I embraced the benefits of college: art and poetry mentors, friendships with teachers, and new skills that were learned. By taking the risk, opening my ears, my eyes and arms, I jumped off and with trembling fingers, found the button: I could fly!

I really feel the same way as you do, especially before my 16... this essay evoked some of my painful or maybe sweet memories ... but I am not as brave as you... I gave up, and continued my high school.

oh, and I still feel unconfortable when dealing with people... ^_^

but I don't know if it is a good idea to say this when almost every university is underlying DIVERSITY... your essay seems to transmit a resistance to diversity. personally i think it is a little negative. you can try to reduce some statements in the third paragragh.

any way, good luck!

Thanks! Appreciate you comment and sincerity. Wondering if you could clarify "resistance to diversity" though. do you mean that I put out that college doesn't accept diversity? Or that everyone should have done what I did, like leave college? I am totally open to blunt feedback as long as its helpful so I would really appreciate it!! Thanks. Also I will try to shift that tone, bc i really don't want to come off as negative:) any specific sentences or parts which I could shift to get rid of it??

It starts off well, but it starts to get really boring mid way


^For example, I understood the point you made in the first sentence I quoted. However from there, you just seem to emphasize that point so much, that I just began to lose my interest in reading. Thats something you do not want happening; losing reader interest.

Try and make your middle more succint. Currently, it seems to just waffle on and on so much so that you are not making any new or interesting points.

Good luck

thanks, ill take that into consideration and maybe that means i can cut out a lot, which is good in terms of space- i had a feeling i was repetitive in parts.

please more feedback from anyone though!! It seems that I could shorten the middle or shift points around but any specifics would be helpful. Thanks so much!!

Hi Everyone, I rewrote the essay and kept the beginning. I tried to make more succinct points, take out the negativity etc. Liebe if you are there, please do comment on whether you think I have captured your attention any better:) I really appreciate your feedback!!

...having turned sixteen a little over a month prior to the occasion.

That does not sound right either!

...as I had been sixteen for almost a month.

Or maybe you can just leave that phrase out! I corrected him, pointing out that I had recently turned sixteen.

Wow, this is so well-written. I hope it is well-received by an admissions person who can appreciate your abstract and artful way of thinking. I'll tell you what I tell everyone whose essay is already brilliant: You can make it better by writing a bit more at the end about specific, practical goals you have for the near future... and how they can be facilitated by the specific resources at the school to which you are applying. Good luck, awesome writer!

Hey! Thanks a lot for your feedback. I agree with what you said, I also thought maybe I could make the end part a bit more future oriented. . . will post final draft soon!

Hi Essay forums, I have already changed and submitted this essay. Can you take it off? thanks.

Check out the TOS. Your essay helps us by providing a lesson for everyone. That's how this site works...

The TOS explains what you can do, though.