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My Dad cheated us ; COMMON APP


ctsohp1 1 / 2  
Jul 7, 2013   #1
Hello. I'm an international student from Asia and this is my common application main essay. I really had no idea what to write about and this was the only thing I could think of. Please objectively write your impression of my essay! I really need someone's opinion, please! Thank you! (Btw, english is not my first language)

"He said it was 50 dollars for one night and 10 for one hour."
I bitterly thought of my school lunch that cost only 4 dollars.
"She works at some bar as a waitress. Guess she needed the money..."
After moments of overwhelming silence, Mom continued, sternly looking at the road before her, "He said that she called him continuously and even though he strongly refused it at first, in the end..." Her voice trailed away.

I quietly assured her. "Yes, I understand."
My sister gently grabbed my hand while I was staring through the speeding car's window. The beautiful scenery of summer outside seemed to reflect the exact opposite of my gloomy thoughts about my parents` recent argument.

Mom blamed Dad for everything, not being able to hold back her tears anymore. They decided to live separately for the moment, and Mom, withdrawing all her money from her bank savings, rented a shabby room in the outskirts of the city.

It didn`t take too long before the longing for my stolen happiness started to get overshadowed by other worries - worries that never used to trouble me before. We ate two meals a day instead of the usual three. Even the cheapest bus fares seemed expensive. My mother`s leftover savings were obviously not enough to support all three of us, but she still refused to ask Dad for some living expense.

I wanted to relieve some burden from her, but what can a fifteen-year-old girl, who just graduated from middle school, possibly do to earn a living? Should I leave school and get several part-time jobs?

I couldn`t help but remember the path that woman, the thief of my happiness, had chosen. As degrading the endeavor seemed to be, it was the easiest way out. To some extent, her actions were understandable. I realized that nobody was immune to situations that desperately called for money. But even so, only some allow themselves to be pushed further to that path.

"I will never be like her," I said to myself with trace of a faint smile.
She might've stolen my happiness, but she could never have stolen my dreams. That's right. There was no need for me to harbor bad feelings towards her. The revelation immediately left me relieved, and I caught myself thinking about the past less often. At that time, I was prepared to leave my school and start working, if it was necessary.

A few weeks after the incident, I came back home and couldn`t stop smiling. The familiar objects seemed fresh and different. But it was not my surroundings that had changed, it was me.

If my parents had never reconciled, the fact that my dream of studying in the US might become even farther away would have been the most regrettable. As a school drop-out, it would have become difficult to even enter some of the least competitive colleges in my home country, let alone applying to US colleges. However, I was determined to reach my goals using my own abilities, even if I had to wait for more years and face more hardships. After all, success is not only about using the given chances; it is also about creating them.

Thank you for reading my essay! Please objectively write a review for it!
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 7, 2013   #2
The quality of your writing isn't a huge problem. (I can help with that at another time.)

However, too much of what you have written here is more like a short story than an essay.

I'm not even sure what the prompt is. (I'm guessing it's something like, "Describe a significant event and discuss its importance.")

Here's how it goes:

1. Briefly tell what happened.

2. Give me several body paragraphs, each focusing on a different WAY that this event changed or affected you.
OP ctsohp1 1 / 2  
Jul 8, 2013   #3
Thank you for your response. It is very helpful to me. I will consider your suggestions and think more about how to improve my essay.
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Jul 8, 2013   #4
Hello,

First I must say that your writing is amazing. It is almost perfect especially for an international student from Asia(I am guessing that English is not your native language). Your descriptive style of writing will impress most admissions officers. Now to the real stuff...I liked the second half of your story...but your intro set-up(quotes) left me scratching my head. When you write essays like this, you have to make sure your thesis is clear. Ideally, it should be clear after the first paragraph. So what you need to do here, is really hit the reader over the head with the message that you want to convey throughout your essay. This will allow the reader to engage more and will make your writing come to life. Good job so far. -AAO

Hope this helps.
OP ctsohp1 1 / 2  
Jul 9, 2013   #5
Wow thank you very much. Your response really gave me a lot of confidence in myself! :) I will try to change the start of my essay as you've suggested. Thank you!


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