Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
(500 words max)
Classic white, bulky CRT monitor. Glossy glass screen. White, chunky desktop case with buttons that often became stuck with enough pressure from a child's finger. Though it would be considered obsolete and aghast in today's times of LCD monitors, sweeping desktop personalization, and optimized operating systems, it would be my learning tool to basic computer literacy and the inspiration in seeking a career surrounding computers.
As a child from a low-income household, with a single parent who acted as both a homemaker and babysitter to random children, it was natural for me to not be able to buy all the books I wanted, relying on the luck of scavenging the boring books in retail stores for treasure; the three libraries around my home became my favorite places to cruise, childishly wishing for the day that I could own my own home library that would contain all the books I can touch and read at whim. It was then during the time I spent at the library, I discovered desktop computers, fascinated with the ability to search for articles, information, and games delivered by a few typed characters and the clicks of a mouse. Immediately, I begged my mom to buy me one, going as far as sugarcoating it as an academic requirement in spite of being in elementary school.
After years of begging and promising to improve my grades, I finally received one for Christmas, now positioned in the living room. Now, it wasn't the best computer, and in fact, it was infuriating to handle a computer that could be at worst, incompetent and unresponsive. With the awful DSL internet and outdated hardware, I had to learn all the tricks of troubleshooting, checking for network status, and basic computer security without buying unaffordable antivirus software; introverted and becoming plagued with my issues of sexual orientation and gender identity, the Internet was perhaps my greatest agent of socialization in my youth, broadening the scope of my world and splitting off from my household in terms of ideology and belief. Lurking on the web for a long portion of my weeks, I couldn't help, but fantasize a career involving computer science, where I could learn and work on what I loved, but always overshadowed by uncertainty whether it would bring merit.
Though the desire of a career in computer science lurked in my mind, it was CyberPatriot and AP Computer Science that reeled it out; a certain aesthetic love of writing and organization spilled out and the language of Java glimmered in front of my eyes, while cybersecurity fascinated me. Though my knowledge of general computer science and security is regretfully trivial, I cannot stop now; I must master computer science, mathematics, and all in between from grasping several programming languages to conquering the challenge of the Linux terminal to understanding networking concepts and databases.
Honestly, I am not sure whether this is a sufficient reply to the UC prompt and any criticism and suggestions would be welcome.
Hi Rene,
I'll try to give you some comments...
I'm pleased to read your essay, to be honest that it is really inspiring! While you have strong background that drives you to achieve your dreams, You are pretty good to explain your goals. Then, you have answered the question, but in my opinion you have improve some as well.
Well, it is better if you straight to the point in second paragraph. So, you can maximize your words to tell essential story that encourage the reader to pay attention in your essay. Also, I believe that you have to write balanced idea between your experiences and goals. on the other hand, you take more proportion for your stories in the past. Therefore, let your readers know about your dream and interest too. Explore more your detail dream in your essay, please :)
Here, I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, while I rewrite for you, I hope it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR , your story should include :
1. Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience).
2. Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.).
3. Result (what happen when you did your action).
This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.
Sometimes we don't need to tell our feeling in our story, let our readers know by themselves. Likewise, I hope this method will drive you to write just the way you are, then the readers can feel it.
Good luck then :)
Rene, I have to be honest here and tell you that there is no real connection between the prompt and what you related in your essay. This is basically a personal statement since it tells the foundation of your love for computers. It does not explain the influences in your life that has helped you become the person you are today. In other words, the computer fascination that you had did not in any way, depict the character development that should normally accompany the response to this type of prompt.
It would be in the best interest of your essay to try and choose another world to discuss in this relation to the expectations of the statement instructions. From what I gather, you do not come from a privileged background and yet you were able to improve yourself as a person using the facilities available to you. My suggestion is that you remove the reference to computers in the essay and instead, focus on how your world was not exactly conducive to learning and yet, you managed to shape your dreams and aspirations based upon it. Don't discuss the development of your interest in computers at the library. That should be discussed in a separate and more relevant prompt.
Speak in more generalized terms of the way your environment influenced who you have become. Mention the lessons that you learned growing up in a financially challenged household. The mention of the local library as your haven is one part of this essay that I strongly suggest you retain in your rewrite. Try to depict your world in such a way that the reviewer will be able to imagine the kind of individual you became because of these experiences.
Rene, I just realized that I focused too much on the grammar side of your essay that I completely forgot to check what you are writing about.
Having said that, I came back to see what I missed, I read your prompt carefully and read your essay for the third time.
I made a very disturbing conclusion, you actually wrote a totally different essay, what you wrote is a narrative of how you
choose the course you want to excel in and what you think will help you launch a brighter future in your career.
Now, tis is not what the essay is all about, the prompt simply asks you to write about the influence that
honed you to become the person you are now.
You can write about a person, an event or maybe even a challenge that linger in your mind and made you feel like it's the right thing to do and
eventually shaped you to become the person you are today.
Once you have a draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.
Rene, first of all I believe this essay is far better than the first one.
On this essay, you started with quiet a fortunate side of the story,
you managed to bring the story to the height where it talks more
about an inspiring experience, rather than having self - pity and let it be.
Now, the essay looks and reads more appropriate to the prompt now and
you can see the difference from the previous essay, you can notice that
this is the essay that the prompt is asking you to write.
I have also made a thorough proof read on your essay and for future reference, try
to keep a light mood on your essay and don't linger on the dark past side of the story.
