Please give me feedback, edits, and critiques especially in the grammar department! This is my first ROUGH draft so I can get all the help that can be provide! Thank you in advance!
Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma--anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.
"You're pretty, for a fat girl." I stare at the magazine image of the model then I glance at myself. I've never admitted to anyone, that I hate the way I look; my wide hips and puffy face, from the outside it never got the best of me, but on the inside its ripping me to pieces. I've cried myself to sleep wondering if there was cure for loving myself.
Since fourth grade, I've struggled with my weight. I've always known that not everyone should be as round as me, but I never wanted to believe it. When people stare or "compliment" me for actually being slightly attractive even if I'm over weight. I've just tried my best to ignore them. I don't think people realize what they are saying. In reality it hurts me more than calling me ugly. There not saying I'm pretty, there saying my face is pretty. To disconnect someone's face from from there body. Some people don't realize what there actually saying, but I didn't realize that. On the inside it began to tear up the person that I was, I started going on ridiculous diets that just made me sick hoping that the pounds would just shed off, but they didn't.
It shows that society today has an weird twisted version of beauty. That a part of someone can be pretty, but the person themselves is not, shamming or in this particular situation body shamming. People say the strangest things to me, they act like because I'm bigger I cannot achieve certain things or their shocked on what Im capable of doing. I'm in charge of emceeing my schools pep assemblies and one time; afterwards a parent told me how shocked they were, because they couldn't believe I gave off so much confidence and was able to speak in front of my peers looking the way I do. I don't know if they were trying to give me an compliment or they were trying to be rude, but it kills me on why they would even say that. Why does self image reflect the person as an whole? Does this mean that plus sized people shouldn't be able to talk in front of an coward so easy.
It's not just bigger girls that get this comment; it's all different types. People will say "Oh, you look really pretty with makeup on," or "You're pretty, for being this skinny." Why can't people just say "You're pretty"? It's because models, celebrities, etc. control todays "true" beauty.
It's time to build up awareness of the cause that not everyone is an 2, but instead most people are closer to the size 12 or 22. Starting an campaign would began the awareness that is needed in order to stop the body shamming. It should be plastered on every single social site and each and every street corner. Women from all different shapes and sizes shouldn't feel less beautiful than the women next to her. Why should there be an body type when it comes to modeling; normal and plus sized. Women of all different body types should be thrown on the canvas. Tess Holiday is the first plus sized supermodel, she broke barriers. She began to give me, hope that one day not every single model will look the same in images. I slowly became comfort in my own skin again, because someone gave me the hope to do so. Just reading an magazine article of an "first" was the self- love that I needed to figure out not to body sham myself anymore. This slow progression is what's needed for the generations to come, someone to show us something different because without that we cannot grow. Now when someone says "You're pretty, for a fat girl," I reply "No, I'm sorry. I'm pretty period."
In overall, I find that your essay identified the problem of how current trend of beauty and how it influences personal importance. This essay displays intense feeling, and at some point it is powerful.
However, if this essay is for academics, it should display more rational thinking, especially on the second paragraph.
I find your example to support the main theme in the 2dn paragraph which you said 'People say the strangest things to me, because I'm bigger I cannot achieve certain things or their shocked on what I'm capable of doing.' not convincing.
The example that you emceeing the schools pep assemblies could be used to relate the problem of body image and personal important, but it is not an obvious example to show the incompatibility between having a plus-sized body and the ability to give a good school's speech. (The size of human body could influence your confidence, but it is not an obstacle to give the speech.) It would be nicer if you can give the example that really support the problems. This leads me to think of activities that overweight people can do, though these activities are against people's perception about physical performance (such as gymnastics, ballets, dancing, etc.) As a result, it will help reflect your statement Does self image reflect the person as an whole? Also, the part.... afterwards a parent told me how shocked they were, because they couldn't believe I gave off so much confidence and was able to speak in front of my peers looking the way I do. ... only shows that your emotion is running wild.
Destinee, give the problem you want to solve a name. It's called "body Dysmorphic Issues" and it is a real problem that women face these days. That is also what you were suffering from in the fourth grade. By using the correct title for the problem, you will show a more personal connection to the issue than you currently represent in the essay. Right now, it seems like you are unaware of the gravity of the problem. By using the name of the problem to help describe your situation, you will be able to show that you have given immense thought as to the problem you want to present and your suggestions for overcoming it.
The solutions that you offer show more anger that logic in the solutions that you hope to offer for the problem. Rather than bordering on being smart alecky, try to come down to earth with a more workable solution. Something along the lines of starting a group at your school that would help other students with body dysmorphic issues overcome their fears that they are not worthy of being a member of society. Starting a community news letter that teaches other kids in the neighborhood to love themselves regardless of how others see them. Use the example of Tess Holiday as the poster child for your club.
The reason that you are being asked to choose a cause close to your heart and discuss how you would help solution is because the university wants to make sure that their future students are those who care about the direction that society is headed in and that they will not hesitate to step in to try and improve a bad situation. You already have the seed planted within you, all you have to do now is develop it in a less angry, more engaging and inspiring tone using doable solution proposals.
Destinee, it's good that you call this essay a rough draft, this essay needs absolutely a lot of help.
The introduction is written fairly well, however, the body lacks the transition it needs in order to incorporate
the ideas of the introduction and connect the dots leading towards the much needed conclusion and
realization of the essay.
The fact is, the essay tried to justify what the essay is asking you to write about but it just lacks a
few more polishing, the sentence structure, the focus and the nature of the essay is all scattered
in different directions.
I hope to see a well focused, structured and straight forward essay when you post the revision, post it back
here on EF, you can have it posted on the same thread and we will be here to assist you.
