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Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell!


joonghoon5 3 / 9  
Dec 6, 2009   #1
At Boys State, the students could run for different government positions and practice the positions they were elected as. I decided to run for one of the five Supreme Court Justices, the second highest position in the program. My challenge was to present myself credibly as a candidate and stand out for selection. I hoped that my honest approach to personal growth in the United States as an international student would help the voters to understand me better. I told the assembled student "voters" the following:

Being selected to attend Boys State, of itself, is an awesome achievement for me, an international student who did not excel at any one thing in particular unlike most of you guys. After coming to the U.S. in 2006, I tried almost everything available in this culture that was almost entirely new to me in order to find what I really enjoy. Early on, I tried out for the high school musical, and this presented me numerous challenges. I wanted to be the lead actor so badly, but my Korean accent and difficulty pronouncing words like all, really, world, and girl which contained 'r' or 'l' held me back. Still, my love for musicals was too strong to give up because of my pronunciation difficulty. So, during my first year in the musical, I just persevered and toiled hard to master the sounds that eluded me. Now, I am a lead actor in my school's musicals, and I even manage a straight A average. I have learned that single-minded focus and personal determination are essential tools in addressing such challenges. I may not have much prior knowledge about the politics or the government systems, but I can assure you all that I will study them very diligently and be your proud Supreme Court Justice. Thank you so much.

This speech to my recent acquaintances or delegates was well-received. After the speeches, I went and talked to the students from different dorms in the hope that I would be able to reach out personally to as many students as possible, selling my name before the final election to elect five Supreme Court Justices from thirty candidates.

The next morning, the announcement was made. I was elected one of the five Supreme Court Justices and I then became Chief Justice upon having received the most votes. I was so thankful that my new friends and acquaintances placed their trust in me and that my contacts were well-received. This accomplishment was not about becoming Chief Justice or getting that title, instead, it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work. I also learned that consistent effort and working with others is key to personal growth. I am still essentially the same person I was when I made the speech, and I still apply myself completely to everything I do, whether someone is watching me or not because I see that as a fundamental trait of solid character. It is not about what I begin with or when I begin, it is about effort, focus, and determination, and making the most out of each opportunity.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 6, 2009   #2
no bumping please. EF_Team will suspend you soon. :[

1. include a prompt.
2. ask what you want us to look for
3. think of a more creative title ^^

first sentence is a mess. the ending is "as" half ass-ed as the later sentenced

Now, I am a lead actor in my school's musicals, and I even manage a straight A average.

edit*ing :p

selling my name before the final election to elect five Supreme Court Justices from thirty candidates.
also the well-received thing I dislike. personally biased in a way. make this more of a personal response. although it's great that you were voted supreme court justice, what about this did you really learn, show how you learned it from this event? what did you do in that position? ending is fine i guess... just try making it more about you.
Logical_Fella_C - / 33  
Dec 6, 2009   #3
I'm guessing you chose the first prompt.

an international student who did not excel at any one thing in particular unlike most of you guys

Yet you state,

Now, I am a lead actor in my school's musicals, and I even manage a straight A average

Self-contradiction, maybe? Or are you implying that being "a lead actor" and managing "a straight A average" aren't that big of a deal?

You stated several times that you worked hard and learned that striving hard is important.

I have learned that single-minded focus and personal determination are essential tools in addressing such challenges

it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work. I also learned that consistent effort and working with others is key to personal growth.

How so? Provide support for your claims.

I hope this helps.
OP joonghoon5 3 / 9  
Dec 6, 2009   #4
Ah thank you so much you guys!!! :)

meisj0n)) thanks. I never knew that I would get suspended lol.
for your comment about that I should discuss more about what I did as Supreme
Court Justice, I intentionally did not talk about that because my main point of the essay was to use my speech to have the admission officers to get to know me. I am trying to say that this is what I learned: This accomplishment was not about becoming Chief Justice or getting that title, instead, it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work.

What is your opinion from this point of view? And yep, I need to fix my first sentence... Thank you so much.

Logical)) Hmm... not self-contradiction. I meant that I have improved very much in that gap of three years. and YES i think you are very right that I need more support. I will work on them more! Thank you so much!!


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