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common app-- Describing my life as tough


xtlraptor 2 / 2  
Oct 17, 2009   #1
Hope that you all could help me critique on my essay. It would be good if you guys could suggest some quirky title for it. Thanks :)

Suicide...AWOL... These senseless thoughts began reverberating in my mind when I was posted to a battalion to be a sergeant. With twenty-six privates under my charge, my responsibilities skyrocketed. Every day, I have to give them orders, make sure they perform and if they misbehave, suffer the consequences of being unable to discipline them. The upper echelons take my ability to lead for granted thus there was a dearth of rewards when things went well but a plethora of punishments when things go wrong.

Describing my life as tough was an understatement. Hence, I turned to escapism.

As I inched closer towards the parapet, my vision blurred and I fell into a trance. Thoughts of my family and friends suddenly spawned in my mind. Fortunately, rationality prevailed. Shuffling backwards, I abandoned my suicide attempt.

Finally, I decided to accept reality...but not the status quo. I strived for improvements to make my new environment a better place to work in. When I started to be proactive, I manage to perceive the various sources that caused the inefficiencies that I am facing and think of methods to solve the issues. For example, after reading their weekly reflections I realised my troopers are dissatisfied with the unfair treatment they received from the ex-commanders as they were not rewarded for working hard. Having been in their situation during my trainee days, I knew exactly what they needed.

Meritocracy was my solution. However, I felt that the crux was not what solution I adopted but rather the fact that I listened to their views sincerely and thereafter, tried to resolve their concerns matters. It is always comforting when there is someone to turn to in times of need ï I was there for them and thus, I earned their respect. Eventually, they were highly motivated and were willing to slog with me.

Another problem I faced was the high costs of a wrong decision. Hence, I had an aversion for decision-making at first, always asking my lieutenant for instructions and passing it down to my platoon. However, I began reflecting, I realised that if I do not exercise my autonomy how could I be a commander? If I had the courage to face reality, why could I not have the fortitude to soldier on with the burgeoning responsibility on my back? Thereafter, I began making decisions, not being afraid to fault and also learn from any bad decisions.

Although my experience in the battalion was gruelling, I learnt that even when some event goes against your wishes, try to face it enthusiastically instead of cowardly avoiding it. Eschewing from adversities every time would only lead to an irresponsible individual that cannot endure hardship. Life is replete with challenges. However, they are also opportunities for improvements ï not only physically but also mentally.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Oct 17, 2009   #2
common app--no title yet

If you cannot come up with a title it means you don't fully understand what you have written. It's like you said "I built a house, but I don't know how to use a hammer."

EF
Lawliet - / 1  
Oct 17, 2009   #3
Not meaning to be offensive, but I think you should write on something else for your common application essay. From what I have read, your essay appears to be another "National service sucks" essay.

I am from your school and without looking at your profile, I can tell from miles away that this is a Singaporean's essay. I believe our school counselors have told us countless times NOT to write on National Service because it is too common among Singaporean applicants

But if you insist, I have a few suggestions:

- The portion about suicide sounds too negative and exaggerated. I don't think NSFs (whom I assume you are one) are that dedicated to the service to be so suicidal over "work"?

- I feel that your essay is not focused enough. Perhaps focus on one single event? I am sure there are lots.

- If you want to talk about responsibilities and the difficulties involved in making decisions, you could, perhaps, write about an incident (i.e. outfield exercises or normal in-camp admin) where you had to make a decision that was critical? Write about your thought process in coming up with your decision. I think this will be more helpful.

I hope you will find these comments useful.


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