I'm not finished with the editing part, but help as far as structure and general idea? :)
With my eyes slightly unclosed, I swipe my bus pass on the metal fare box and proceed to choose the spot in which I will stand for fifteen miles and forty-five minutes, until I finally arrive at Palm Springs High. My relaxed, somnambulant stage is quickly interrupted by the twittering of students, gossiping of old ladies, and the intoxicating blend of coffee and "Top Ramen".
As I look out the windows on the bus, I think about the hundreds of windmills at a distance; windmills that have been a part of my surroundings since birth. As everyone on the bus continues with their lives, the windmills furiously thrust their blades in my direction, and each blade shoves memories into my thoughts. Instantly, I am transported into my childhood home.
As my father violently argues with my mother, my sister quickly sneaks off into our room, my brothers naively ignore the argument and divert their attention onto the Nintendo, and I silently look out the window at the windmills, hoping they, too, don't strike. Though at the time I was only eight years young, I can still smell the chorizo and eggs on the stove; I can still see the dirt stains on my fathers torn t-shirt; I can still see the empty beer cans on the dinner table. It is impossible to forget the sounds of my father drunkenly screaming at my mother, whose cheeks were flushed red with pain and humiliation.
My life made sense because I knew nothing else. To say that my father was a violent, jealous, drunken mess is an understatement now, but back then, it was a terrible misstatement! My father was the sweetest man on the face of the Earth. He was justified in beating my mother-he was simply "teaching her how to behave". He was justified in drinking day and night-he supported his five children and his wife, so why shouldn't he drown his stress in alcohol? He was justified in abusing his youngest daughter-simply because she was his daughter... right? At age eight, nothing was more true to me than his reasoning.
Because of my young mind, it was a shocking surprise to me when my mother decided to file for divorce two years later. The divorce brought about a dismal solitude for me; never had I felt so lonely. As a result, I attempted to forget about my life by reading about the interesting lives of made-up characters. By a brink of faith, I came across "El Ingenioso hidalgo don Quijote de la Mancha" and met don Quijote. I can remember my mother referring to him as a crazy, old man who came to be that way because he spent all day reading about cowboys; however, I remember reading about a completely different man. Don Quijote set forth to undo the unjustified wrongs of the world; and, though he faced mockery during each adventure, he continued with his dream of helping people in need.
On a specific outing with Sancho Panza, don Quijote spots what he believes to be monstrous giants with arms whirling in the air. Despite the squire's realistic warnings, don Quijote proceeds to attack the giants, which are obviously windmills. This scene portrays what many consider don Quijote's "madness", but, more importantly, it emphasizes his invincible spirit-the spirit that I had wished to possess every time I looked out the window and saw the ferocious giant that threatened me with the intense movements of his arms.
Had I read this marvelous novel a few years earlier, perhaps I could have reversed the unjustified wrongs that were present in my life. I could have walked out the door, stood in front of my crystal shield, and attacked the giant before me-leaving in its place nothing but a windmill. This battle was delayed a few years, until don Quijote influenced my life. As I look out the windows on the bus, all I see is windmills that hold my memories, both good and bad. I see the windmills not as giants, not as machines at a distance; I see them as the barriers that I have broken down, and am ready to leave behind, as I take on my personal adventure in the world. Similarly, I see life not as what it once was or is, but instead, I see life as it should and will be.
That was lovely.
I'll comment more after I blow my nose... :)
Blue skies!
Jeannie
OK...sniff
abstrusely < is this really necessary? Your writing is beyond good enough without the use of long-buried (for a reason) words like abstrusely that the average reader has never seen. Besides, it sounds like a dessert with baked apples inside...distracting.
I also wonder if "demurely" is the right word here..."my sister demurely hides out in our room..." It seems like she was more likely hiding out of fear than any polite shyness.
I know you aren't done with editing, and there is very little left to tweak, so I will look forward to the finished product! Do post it; this story is excellent, and you told it so well!
I really did need to blow my nose (don't tell anybody), that says a lot! :)
Blue skies, Daniela,
Jeannie
Excellent! Only a couple of things...
Did you mean to say this > "By a brink of faith" in paragraph 5? Or did you mean "by a twist of fate??" The word 'brink' conjures pictures of you standing at the edge of faith...
I was going to mention something about your first sentence and the word 'unclosed' meaning open, but then I thought, "if the weather can be partly cloudy, does that not lend precedence to the use of unclosed?" teehee. By unclosed, I know you mean more closed than open so it works. "With my eyes slightly unclosed..." I like it now that I think about it.
Hmmm, the other things are just so minor that they really don't bare mentioning.
I think it's a go. Perhaps others may see some glaring error I missed, but I don't think so.
Good luck in your future endeavors! Maybe I'll see your name on a book one day :)
Blue skies!
Jeannie
in my opinion, defintely not this sentence: "I do not want to go to a university and waste my time on drinking alcohol or consuming drugs," or you really need to modify it...
I'm not a native speaker, so no sentence suggestion here.
In fact, I've been to a transfer conference in UCLA, and the speaker explained somthing to me, and I think it might also be helpful to you
first, yes, you story is pretty sad, but you should really focus on its influence on you, rather than emphasized your father's behavior. I mean you need to bring it up, but not in detail, and after you brought it up, give your thinking and response to it...
and second, I think the two openning paragraph seemed to be a little too lyrical, also in some other parts of the eassy...cutting into your core faster would be better, and try explain more than description(but defintely, things have huge impact on you are worth desribing)...
good luck with your eassy anyway
