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"When you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me". Transfer Essay


atrain111 1 / 1  
Jan 26, 2016   #1
Two summers ago, on a homebound train from a Chicago Cubs day game, I was forced to sit with random commuters because of a lack of open seats. Separated from friends, I knew it would be better to try and make small talk than suffer through an awkward forty-minute ride home. We blabbed on about school and sports until I asked about their work. They explained to me that they all worked together at the Chicago Board of Trade. I spent the rest of the ride questioning them about their jobs there, stocks, commodities, and the markets. It was so fascinating to me and I needed to know more. They acknowledged my interest, handed me their business cards, and said "when you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me".

From that day on, my outlook on education, my career and future only got clearer. I began to become extremely passionate about business. I began to read more, work better, and research more diligently. By becoming involved with business, I was able to create a sense of sophistication, competence, and a passion for knowledge. This rubbed off on my academic studies and extracurriculars. Senior year, I formed an investment club with surrounding schools. I arranged tours at local stock exchanges and organized information sessions with speakers for the club. I even started my own blog to share ideas about stocks and the markets. I finally felt like I was accomplishing something and I loved the feeling. This wake-up call showed me the need of a strong educational background and work ethic to be successful. You have to work for what you want in life. Nothing is handed to you so challenge yourself.

This ultimately lead me to what I thought was the perfect school for me. After weighing my options, I thought: "A highly ranked business school, exciting social life, and a fantastic sports program, what else could I want?". Truth be told, my current school does have those things, but just isn't fitting for what I want out of my college education. I completely understand that there might not be a college that fits every single want and need for someone to be happy, but there are some things that I feel are imperative to my success in college.

By transferring, I am seeking a more sophisticated student body to help nurture my education and endeavors both inside and outside of the classroom. As Oprah once said, "Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher." You might've read that and thought to yourself, "Wow, how cliche was that?", but it is truly a quote I can relate to. I always have found that when pushed or in a more competitive environment, my habits and output are exponentially better. By transferring to a more demanding school academically, I will be pushed to work harder and more diligently.

Additionally, I am seeking a school that is more diverse academically and culturally. My current school seemed to be a 'no brainer' for me because of the strong business school reputation, but I couldn't help but feel like a drop in the ocean of undergraduates studying business. While I, myself, am a part of this mass of business students, I am still interested in the studies of other subjects and with the people studying them. With a business-saturated student body, it's tougher to stick out and tougher to get strong teacher interactions. By transferring, I will be able to explore my passions in depth among others who share a similar interest. I will have the opportunity to take a variety of classes within my major while also getting internships and conducting research within the field. Transferring will open me up to a new world; a new place to call home, a new curriculum, and new people to meet. I have no doubts that I will thrive at a new college that can accommodate my academic interests. I'm ready and enthusiastic for a change of scenery and an academic challenge.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 26, 2016   #2
Hi Alex, I was wondering you are trying to answer a common app prompt with this essay? If so, can you tell me what the prompt is? I am not sure about how to advise you regarding editing the content and whether it is as prompt responsive as it should be because I do not know what it is I am supposed to help you do.

As it is, the only problems that I can point out to you have to do with the paragraph formatting. It is too tight on the page and needs to be spaced out. The topics for discussion also need to be given its own paragraph in order to allow the reader to process the information you are providing. While the essay does not seem redundant at this point, I sense that there are portions we can either cut down on content or delete in full. It will all depend upon what it is that you are trying to explain in the essay. I'll wait for the prompt requirement from you.
OP atrain111 1 / 1  
Jan 26, 2016   #3
Thank you for the response! This prompt is as follows:

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

I met with a free writing tutor at my library today, and we made some changes.

The first and second sentence of the second paragraph have been combined into one, shortening that portion. I also am going to find a way to reference a book or study that I did when I began to "read more, work better" ect.

The last sentence of the third paragraph has been omitted completely because it contradicts my transfer plan.

First sentence for the fourth paragraph changes 'sophisticated student body' to 'rigorous program, curriculum' or something of that nature.

In that paragraph, I am also going to provide an example of a time I was pushed and it helped me get better results.

I will include that I am looking for a smaller undergraduate student body in the fifth paragraph. In this paragraph, I will also include some of the other interests I wish to pursue that are not business, hence me wanted a more well-rounded curriculum/education/school. I will include that I have been in the midwest for my whole life, so could use a new location to bring new experience and opportunities. Lastly, I will end the essay by writing how and what I will contribute to my new school. I don't know I am going to work this, but I am working on it.

Thank you again!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 27, 2016   #4
Hi Alex :-) It is really good that you were able to find some real world help at your school to help you with developing your essay. You were given sound and very good advice that you should definitely follow. the writing tutor is there to help you develop the best essay that you can. So don't think twice about using the advice you are given at the writing laboratory.

Now, while you have given me the instructions that you were asked to follow, I cannot really visualize what is supposed to happen to your essay content wise because I have not read the revisions that you were advised to implement. I would appreciate it a lot if you can post the revised essay here when you are done with it so that I can review it and maybe, just maybe, add some useful advice to the instructions you have already been given. That is, if you would still like to work with me here considering that you already have a writing tutor at your school :-) I am always available to help you out.


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