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'club's advertisement / golf instruction' - UC transfer essays


tashiasoen 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2012   #1
I need help developing my first essay. I have no legit experience with my major and I just picked it up so I don't have a lot of knowledge on it but I do have an interest in this subject. I want to show that I am willing to work hard for this subject without writing out that phrase in the essay. Any help will be appreciated! Thank You:)

1. What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

When I was young, my father started up his on printing company and my aunt was the head of the US division for her company. During my middle school and high school years, my mother had been involved in the food business. All my life, I have always been surrounded by business. So it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major.


Last year, I applied under an accounting major for several UCs. While I was being considered, I continued my accounting studies at De Anza. Although I was rejected, I realized in that time, I had not much interest or talent for accounting. This time around, I am trying to get into marketing or economics. Marketing can offer me a broad range of options for my future and unifies my interest in communications, behavioral psychology, and mathematics.

I do not have much experience in the field of marketing or economics though. I just have a huge interest in these fields. This is the first year I am involved in my school clubs. This quarter, I have joined the Circle K club. Because it is the beginning of the school quarter, my club is starting to design their club shirts and I offered to help out. I thought that this could help develop my interest in the marketing field; after all, the club shirts are fundamentally apart of a club's advertisement.

Intended major in business.

2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

During the summer vacation of forth grade, my mother enrolled my cousin and me up in a one-week golf instruction course in golf. Although I enjoyed my short exposure to this sport, I never actively pursued it until I entered high school. When I did enter high school I wanted to participate in an extra curriculum activity and started practicing golf wit the intent of try out for the high school golf team. Because I was not a golfer or even an athlete, making a team was a big goal that I wanted to achieve. So with the support of my family, I pushed myself to try-out for my school team and dedicated my time and efforts to make the team in my sophomore year. My family and I were very proud of making the girl's varsity golf team, which reinforce my commitment to practice and participate in golf.

During the golf season, I practiced four out of the five days of the week for four hours after school and played on the golf course at least once a week. While I was not the strongest player in the team, I was able to play for the varsity girl's golf team and receive my first varsity golf letter at the end of my sophomore year. The sport taught me that dedication and hard work towards a goal would ensure its achievement. After two seasons of playing for the team, I was able to get a letter in golf of my junior year.

While I am very proud of my club activities and my participation in my school's orchestra through out my high school years, I remain proudest in making the golf team and encouragement and support from my coaches and my family. I often reflect on the lessons that this experience provides me in how focus and commitment can permit exceptional achievement.
OP tashiasoen 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2012   #2
Edit: My sister said I shouldn't use so many I's in my first essay so I am editing that now.
cback 1 / 22 6  
Nov 17, 2012   #3
Remember, you're telling these colleges why they want you! If you offer a negative perspective of yourself, always make sure to present the more positive outcome afterwards! Your first essay struggles greatly with this. Avoid the textbook sentences like "Marketing can offer me a broad range of options for my future and unifies my interest in communications, behavioral psychology, and mathematics."

"When I was young, my father started up his on printing company and my aunt was the head of the US division for her company. During my middle school and high school years, my mother had been involved in the food business. All my life, I have always been surrounded by business. So it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major."

While it can add to your essay, you want to avoid juvenile descriptions like "So it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major. ", this is about you, not about your parents or relatives. You need to input WHY you want this major. You mention you have an interest, why is that? Were you curious, did you enjoy the feeling of selling things or convincing someone to buy, did you see your parents make a big sale or crunch numbers and you felt like you were watching something bigger behind the scenes? You also want to avoid the autobiography, as it sounds very generic. If this was a story, we still don't know anything about the character where we could choose him from a line up. Provide a unique memory or experience. If you don't have any from your childhood that pertain to business, that's ok! There's no need to lie to make up a story.

"Last year, I applied under an accounting major for several UCs. While I was being considered, I continued my accounting studies at De Anza . Although I was rejected, I realized in that time, I had not much interest or talent for accounting." I don't understand what use the middle sentence brings to your essay, all I see it do is provide filler. Think about it this way, would leaving this give you an advantage or a disadvantage?

"I do not have much experience in the field of marketing or economics though . I just have a huge interest in these fields." There is no reason for you to put in that first sentence, all it does is hurt your credibility! Why point out your lack of experience? Focus on your strengths instead!

Look at the difference between your first essay and your second one. It seems like you have a big passion for golfing, as your second essay seems a lot more personal, I can begin to imagine who you are, while your first essay is very monochrome and robotic.
cback 1 / 22 6  
Nov 17, 2012   #4
By the way, I also go to De Anza, you might want to check out the Essay Writing workshops they hold, or one of the transfer workshops, as they have a lot of advice that can help you succeed.

Major things though, make a rough draft to gather a list of all your examples before constructing your essay.

1) Characteristics that the major requires
2) Qualities/experiences/knowledge that you have
3) What do lists 1 & 2 have in common? This makes you a good candidate
4) What characteristics do you have that the major does not usually have that it should have? This separates your from other applicants
(ranked in order of importance)
a. Direct work or internship experience in your major-
b. Work or internship experience not directly in your major but indirectly related
c. Extracurricular activities directly in your major
d. Extracurricular activities not directly in your major
e. Activities with friends, family, etc.

5) Each paragraph should have one main example, which highlights at least one characteristic about yourself (like the traits from list 3 or 4)

6) Use descriptive language, strong and active verbs, while not being an obvious thesaurus abuser. You want to avoid narrow narratives of discovery like "it was at that moment where I decided I'd be an econ major," but instead of "This time around, I am trying to get into marketing or economics ," try out "Slowly I was trudging towards the end of my General Education, tearing my hair out at whether I should continue pursuing a business major, or to cut my losses and try out a new subject. After scouring ratemyprofessor and seeking council from the wisdom of my Facebook friends, I registered myself for Macroeconomics with Professor Singh. ." If you can, give every person in your story a name, this helps flesh them out and give a sense of reality.

"This was a regular Econ class, but I didn't understand why I'd be racing to sit in the front, why I would constantly jot down every piece of information, why I was so dedicated in this class. Ever so gradually, I was able to relate the practices learned in class to real life, with issues regarding unemployment or the fiscal cliff being things I heard of vaguely in the news. My understanding of economics began to decode the business jargon I'd hear when listening to National Public Radio or CNN, and I found myself paying closer attention to the world around me."

This is by no means a perfect example, but do you see what I mean by fleshening it out? You want to make the whole thing personal and relatable to you.
OP tashiasoen 1 / 2  
Nov 18, 2012   #5
Thanks for all the advice! This is what I have:

When I was young, my father started up his on printing company and my aunt was the head of the U.S. division for her company. During my middle school and high school years, my mother had been involved in the food business. With all these influential business figures in my life, it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major.

I know you said to avoid the "so it's only natural" starter but I am going to go into how I found interest in the major

Last year, I applied under an accounting major for several UCs. Although I was rejected, I realized in that time, I had not much interest or talent for accounting. "Slowly I was trudging towards the end of my General Education, tearing my hair out at whether I should continue pursuing a business major, or to cut my losses and try out a new subject." I review the classes I've taken at the time to see what classes I truly enjoyed and excelled in. One of the classes was Macroeconomics with Professor Singh. "This was a regular Econ class, but I didn't understand why I'd be racing to sit in the front, why I would constantly jot down every piece of information, why I was so dedicated in this class. Ever so gradually, I was able to relate the practices learned in class to real life, with issues regarding unemployment or the fiscal cliff being things I heard of vaguely in the news. My understanding of economics began to decode the business jargon I'd hear when listening to National Public Radio or CNN, and I found myself paying closer attention to the world around me." I gravitated towards the marketing and economic fields because I am interested in the way people affect the economy.

I hope you don't mind that I used your wording in this paragraph. I'll most likely change it later but for now I'll just leave it in there.

My growing interest in these fields led me to working toward a more attractive application. This quarter, I joined the Circle K club and because it is the start of the school year, my club is starting to design their club shirts and I offered to help out. I thought that this could help develop my interest in the marketing field; after all, the club shirts are fundamentally apart of a club's advertisement.

The process of brainstorming t-shirt ideas made me realised how important teamwork is in this field of work. Growing our concept was easier when we bounce ideas off one another rather than pondering about it solo. Gradually, I gained confidence from the positive feedback given back to me. From this basic social exercise, I became more outspoken. I felt responsible for seeing the designing of the shirt through. It was like the minute I showed interest in the club shirts, I was bound to an unwritten contract to the club. I was able to balance this side project as well as keeping up with my school work. The club showed me I am capable of getting projects done when I set my mind to it.

Conclusion to tie back to the beginning or will the last sentence be enough of a conclusion?
cback 1 / 22 6  
Nov 18, 2012   #6
You just copy and pasted my examples, I don't really see much of a change.. -_-

My growing interest in these fields led me to working toward a more attractive application.

I'd take this whole sentence out. Unless I'm interpreting it incorrectly, you're saying that your growing interest in economics and marketing led to you working towards a better college app? That doesn't have anything to do with the prompt.

This quarter, I joined the Circle K club and because it is the start of the school year, my club is starting to design their club shirts and I offered to help out.

Wooo okay a lot going on here that you need to clean up. Use strong active verbs! This sounds so boring and vapid, like something you'd write as a detention essay.

try something in the vein of
To strengthen my commitment in marketing, I designed representative uniforms for 'Circle K', De Anza's community service club. (idk what kind of club it is, I just guessed.)

I thought that this could help develop my interest in the marketing field ; after all, the club shirts are fundamentally apart of a club's advertisement.

Stop saying "I thought " if it's something you agree with! Saying 'I thought ' makes you sound uncertain, be strong and firm! Also, you forgot the space in a part.

The process of brainstorming t-shirt ideas made me realised (realize ) how important teamwork is in this field of work. (are you sure you want to say this? It was only at this moment that you realized team work was important? Sounds a bit cheesy. I'd reword this to you saying how you found the value of teamwork or how seeing the synergy of everyone made you feel at home)

Growing our concept was easier when we bounce ideas off one another rather than pondering about it solo. (YES! Good sentence!)

Gradually, I gained confidence from the positive feedback given back to me . (Good, but I'd still like to see something stronger, don't be afraid to strut yourself a bit! It's okay to brag!)

From this basic social exercise, I became more outspoken. (sounds like a filler sentence, combine this with another sentence)

I felt responsible for seeing the designing of the shirt through. (what? Either you're responsible for designing the shirt, or you're not. Saying you felt responsible for designing the shirt doesn't make sense.)

It was like the minute I showed interest in the club shirts, I was bound to an unwritten contract to the club. (Now you're making it seem like you don't want to be in the club. Unwritten contract sounds a bit too "Deal with the devil-y", try "There was something about the club that entranced me/mesmerized me/had me enamored in a state of awe/perpetual elation/determination as I produced the shirts."

I was able to balance this side project as well as keeping up with my school work.
Side project? You're selling yourself short again.. I understand you're trying to show that you can balance multiple things, but word it to show your strength instead of just a boring achievement. Maybe "Although I felt the pressure of homework, college apps, Circle K, and ___(idk what else you do), the fleeting glimpses of productivity rejuvenated my determination to work through any obstacle hindering my passion."

The club showed me I am capable of getting projects done when I set my mind to it.
Not sure if improper grammar or just awkward.
Maybe something along the lines of: "The club showed me that I'm capable of getting projects done"
Still might be a bad sentence, cus you're basically saying that you can only get things done when you focus, which gives off the vibe that usually you're lazy.

As for using my examples verbatim, I personally don't care , but I'd advise you against it . My style of writing and your style of writing don't match . It might make your essay seem messy and nonsensical if the two styles keep clashing against each other. Just take my advice, and extrapolate what I mean from my examples , but if you want to use them word-for-word, go ahead.


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