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'From Chinese to American high-school' UC the world you come from MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE


yisha 6 / 33 8  
Nov 27, 2012   #1
I didn't notice the requirement about dream at first, so it would probably not so fit. but i hope to get HARSH critique. also i will help you in return. thx~

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Different high schools bring me opportunity for different experience, but both of them cultivate my capabilities. Though I was good at math, I ever thought it was too hard to become an actuary. However, the experience in these years confirmed my goal.

I used to study in a top-ranking high school in China. I enjoyed contests and evenings in our school, and when I actually participated in the group preparing a singing contest, I found them even more fascinating. I met difficulties when negotiating with school officers for spot and calling contestants to ensure the performances. In the last minute, I was still busily correcting the show list. Even when the contest started, I couldn't enjoy it as before because of grading job. But my every effort had rewards. The whole stadium was an ocean of cheers, and the singer on the stage was like a super star. There was nothing more wonderful than seeing the revelry, which contained my painstaking efforts, was successfully held.

In my senior year, I left China and entered an American high school, a totally different environment. After I oriented to the new circumstance, my life became much busier, but community service cured my inner restlessness. Sitting near the door of school library, I checked out books and devices as an assistant. Sometimes when there was no tutor, I got a "part-time" job to tutor students in math. I enjoyed the smiles when people took books from me; I liked the nods when students understood my solutions. In the harmonious atmosphere of the library, I felt inner peace and pride, the pleasure brought by contribution.

Maturing in high schools, I strengthened my determination and gradually removed the barrier on my way. I could be an organizer, and a contributor, like the role an actuary acts when giving analysis and advice to a program or a company. Like catalysts, my experiences in high school accelerated the progress to my goal.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
I would almost like the second paragraph to be the intro. I don't find the first paragraph necessary or just make it straight to the point.

I want to know why you moved to America, like a quick sentence about it.
Make sure you stay in one tense like you said different high schools bring me different... When it should say brought.
I don't understand what the barrier is in the last paragraph.

The idea is there but you just have to fine tune it and tighten up the essay. For example, you said I used to study when you can just say I studied
KlangSelangor 1 / 5 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #3
Hi yisha , really like your idea about your world of dreams , especially the tutoring math part.
maybe you would like to expand that ? and what intrigues you to like math besides being good , what makes you go into it ? etc : calculus or trigo or any particularly part of maths thats interesting ?

your last paragraph stated your dreams clearly : perhaps you want to elaborate more about the career you want to pursue ?
Eunhae126 3 / 16 6  
Nov 27, 2012   #4
Hey thanks for looking at mine!
- I enjoyed reading your essay, but your grammar here and there was a bit awkward.
- Read it out loud and you'll see what I mean.
- Change your first paragraph. It seems a bit random.
- Use different styles of sentences to help with the flow of the essay.
- Add A LOT more detail. Make it personal and show how it relates to you.
- Don't tell us about how it was different and hard moving here, but show us and how it affected your dreams.

Hope this helped (:


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