If you could please comment on the content of the essay, grammar, and punctuation.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
It was a clear Monday afternoon. The sky was light blue with scattered clouds. The sun was more than half way in the sky. There was a light breeze that I felt with every step I took. My friend and I were walking to a nearby school where my sister would pick me up and she would walk the rest of the way home. It was after our monthly Key club board meetings. " That was a good meeting," I said. "Yeah, I ate so much food." She replied. "Haha, you're such a loser. How have you been?" I asked. "I've been okay, Stefanie is coming back this weekend." She said. "Oh are you excited?" I asked. "Yeah, I guess but I don't know, I hope she's nicer to me this summer." she said. " Oh I see, Yeah I understand what you're saying. Don't worry about it. I'm sure things will go fine." I said trying to sooth her. "Oh Yeah, did I tell you I found a new awkward sign?" I said with excitement. "No, haha, what is it?" She asked. "Awkward palm tree!" I said as I put one of my arms horizontally and the other arm on top of it vertically. I curved my fingers then made them straight again over and over again to make it look like the "palm leaves" were moving. My sister pulled up to the school where we were waiting for her. "Hey are you sure you don't want a ride home?" I asked before I got into the car. "No it's ok, I want to stop by TJ Max." She said as she started to walk towards her house. "Okay, I'll talk to you later."
An hour passed as I got home. I called her to make sure she got home safely. " Hey did you get home yet?" I asked. " Yeah, a while ago," she replied. "How was TJ Max?" "It was good, I bought a new rack for my bathroom." " Oh cool, it was really good talking to you. It made me realize how long we haven't talked for." " Yeah! You made my day a lot better." As she was saying those words, I smiled and happiness consumed my emotions.
Ever since I was young I always valued friendship, I would try to get to know my friends beyond what met the eye. I did this without ever knowing why. That day when she said those words over the phone I finally realized why I cherished friendship. The chance that you can change the way someone's day is going or even the possibility of changing someone's life is worth taking the time to get to know them better.
Sorry but to be honest with you, it doesn't sound good. The conversation back and foward, and uses of "haha", "yeah", "Okay"... hmmm, I would think it's risky to use.
Good afternoon :)
I think you have a good idea here, even a good example, but I wonder if it properly answers the prompt. If you could, instead of using all of the excessive dialogue, paraphrase the discussion and focus more on expanding the last paragraph. Shift the focus onto why/how you value friendship, and how this conversation changed that for you. Why is this "chance" so important to you?
Regards,
Gloria
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