This is my common app essay. The prompt was "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you". Any suggestions, especially for the conclusion, would be much appreciated.
It was almost the end of the school year in 5th grade. My class was turning in the course selection forms for sixth grade. Nearly everybody in my class was signing up for art or drama, some because of a genuine desire to be the next Meryl Streep or Picasso, some because they thought it would be a blow-off class. As a shy ten-year-old who could barely draw a stick-figure, I knew these options just would not do. My options for electives were limited, and I knew it.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my best friend, Carly, making a last minute change on her form. It looked like she was switching her first choice from drama to something higher up on the list, but what? I just couldn't make it out before she folded up her sheet and tossed it nonchalantly onto the pile on Ms. Brown's desk. I shook my head, praying to some higher power that this decision would magically become easier for me in the next thirty seconds. In my panicking ten-year-old brain, whichever class I chose would have the power to make or break me for the rest of my life.
"Ten seconds! Ten seconds and I'm taking them up!" The voice of my teacher rang in my head, shrill and deafening, each word more devastating than the last. My heartbeat quickened as I realized that I would finally have to choose.
"Five... Four... Three..."
"Okay," I thought to myself. "What do I really want to do with the next year of my life?"
"Two..."
The unpleasant lurch in my stomach told me that the time for rational thinking and strategic decision-making was far behind me. What happened next dramatically changed the next seven years of my life. I decided to just go with whatever Carly had picked. At least I would have a friend in class with me.
"One..."
My eyes quickly scanned the seemingly miles-long list of electives, trying to remember what Carly had picked, but all I knew was that it was above drama on the list.
"Orchestra?" I guessed. "Probably not. Art?" It seemed like a possibility, but Carly had never really liked drawing, so I decided against it.
Band seemed to be the only choice that I hadn't ruled out. I hastily circled it on my paper, ran up to Ms. Brown's desk, and shoved it, probably with more force than necessary, into the pile of my classmates' forms, all before the teacher got to "Zero." I was actually quite relieved to have the decision out of my way.
The next few weeks were full of glorious, band- related excitement. I chose an instrument, began taking private lessons, and even drove up to the middle-school to meet the directors. I was so excited to start playing my flute, I didn't even mind that Carly had, in fact, chosen to take art.
Seven years later, I am still playing. Since my days in middle-school band, I have met dozens of fellow musicians who became some of my best friends. I have expanded my love of music by listening to genres I had never heard of before joining band. I have even learned to transfer my dedication to music into other parts of my life, making me a more diligent and focused student overall. Most importantly, though, I learned the importance of making my own decisions. I had gotten lucky that one time, but I realized that just going along with a friend would cause me to miss out on something that could be a great experience for me in the future. It's hard to imagine how different I would be today if I had only gotten a better look at Carly's course selection form.
I like that you started out your essay by telling a story, it really catches the reader's attention. The only suggestion I would make is that you may want to include the fact that you learned not to be a follower a little earlier on, not in the last sentence. Make the essay more centric to what you learned from the experience than what actually happened in that classroom. But don't take the entire story out, it definitely adds to the way this essay personifies who you are.
I hope this helps! If you have a moment, please read my essay:
You're so lucky that you vividly remember this experience, haha. Anyway, this is a good "show, not tell" essay as it is a personal anecdote. Imo, it's even better that it's taken from such a long time ago because it shows the longevity of that change. Also, the way you put your concluding sentence, saying how something insignificant became so significant. Earlier in the essay, maybe you can do something the lesson you learned, which was making your own decisions. Like in the midst of all that panicking, you could say something like "why am i like this" or "i wish i was more..." and etc except more meaningful XD. Good job and keep up the good work!
