Sorry - I can't find what I just answered you, Marcus. (I hope the EF mods can!!)
What do you mean? I saw the other thread where you pointed out that the same essay was posted twice. BTW I recently discovered the poet that I assume inspired your username. He is great...
Marcos/Vanessa, please please don't post the same essay twice in different threads, if indeed that is what happened.
High school is not a proper noun:
High school has been ...
Strive is not a noun:
My commitment to education and success at this school will include my effort to...
The second to last sentence doesn't feel right because of a little mix up... a person that puts her whole heart into things about which she is passionate.
I've been told that I'm the type of person who puts
their her whole heart into things that she is passionate about. --- or... things about which she is passionate.
:-)