Compared to some of the others I've read I feel like I haven't put enough soul into it. What do you think, can you help me?
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Skill has been created in my thirst to strive and to know all I can. Tradition is a reflection of all that is important to me. Two of the virtues of Florida State University, Artes and Mores, claim a significant part of my life. My love of music and history has worked its way into my heart and the traditions of my family and of my church leave a lasting mark I could never hope to rid of.
When I was younger I would change my future career more than I can count. There were two particular professions that I assumed I would end up with; one was a Ballet dancer, the other an Egyptologist, two widely different fields. I didn't know then that these two dreams would lead to the two skills I revolve around today. It was middle school when I realized that God had meant for me to sing and to love history. Middle school may seem like an early time to pick what you will be doing for the rest of your life, but it wasn't for me. To make a long three years short, I joined the chorus instead of the dance class, and I repeatedly scored quite well on history tests and won the history student of the year. Realization hit me, I was good at these things, and I loved to be involved with them. I've evolved and strengthen these skills since then, learning as much as I can. Music has made me build commitment and history is just something special, it so unpredictable, and fascinating that I always want to know and understand more.
One of the parts of History is Tradition, perhaps that's why it's so important to me. No matter what happens around the world, or down the block I know that in my home and in my church things will remain traditional. One tradition that is unique in my family is Carcarones at Easter time. A Carcarone is an egg that has been broken at the top, and drained to be filled with confetti and sealed with tissue paper. On Easter, for good luck, you have to crack the egg above someone's head. In church there is a different sort of tradition, a more serious kind. I am Episcopalian, and a majority of the traditions in the church have a link to the beginning of Christianity. That is why traditions are important to me; traditions will root themselves into generations. The faith will continue on, and the fun, like with Carcarones, will continue. Traditions embody security and a sense of community; values I strive to keep in my life.
Many values stem from Artes and Mores. Through my skills and traditions I have room to develop and change. I can envelop on the commitment I have to music and to learning, especially at Florida State. I can also take those steps to creating new traditions, ones that will stay with me, just as my family and church traditions have.
Skill has been created in my thirst to strive and to know all I can.
Huh? "Has been created"? By whom? In
thirst? How?
I didn't know then that these two dreams would lead to the two skills I revolve around today.
Again: Huh? You revolve around skills? I am trying to picture this, which is hard as skills are intangible and thus not something that can be revolved around. Are you doing pirouettes?
You get the idea, I hope: In striving to word this essay formally, you have worded it very awkwardly. Go back through and say what you mean directly, using strong action verbs. You may find that so doing will put the "soul" back into your words.
Right, I see what you're saying.
Thank you, I'll try that. I think I'm going to rewrite it though, I did that late at night and had pressure to turn it in the next day for a school assignment.
