Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
My twin brother and I were running alongside the pool, trying to race each other to see who would make it to the entrance of the water first. As we were running, I could feel the wind brushing across my face, like the way wind brushes a hot air balloon along, and I knew that I would win. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, everything went into slow motion, and I saw through my peripheral vision my brother falling. He had tripped over my foot, and his elbow hit the concrete. Hard.
Instantly, time sped back up again, and there was blood everywhere. He was crying, and I was shocked at what just happened. In the back of my head, a little voice kept repeating over and over, "This is your fault," and I knew that it was true. We were carelessly running, and he had tripped over my foot.
I rushed over to him, and so did the lifeguard on duty. We had made a huge scene, but I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure that he was alright. The lifeguard picked him up, and carried him inside, where he was quickly treated.
As I was following the lifeguard, I pondered what had happened. We were running, and then all of a sudden, BAM, he had tripped and skinned his elbow. The guilt I was experiencing was enormous, and I wasn't sure how to handle it at first. It was the first time I had ever hurt my own brother, and albeit it was unintentional, I couldn't help but feel remorse.
After what felt like hours, my brother finally came back out with a bandaged elbow. I ran up to him, and constantly berated him with, "I'm sorry." My brother stopped me, looked me in the eye, and said, "It's ok."
A rush of relief came over me, and then I asked, "Why? I hurt you, and you don't even seem to care."
He proclaimed, "It doesn't matter that you hurt me; all that matters is that you cared."
These words still resonate throughout my mind to this day. Without my twin brother, I would never be the person I am in the present. He taught me what family truly meant, what compassion truly meant, and what the concept of forgiveness truly was. In all of the years I have known him, he has delineated all the aspects of human nature for me, and I have readily adopted them as a result.
My application would be incomplete without him.
After he uttered those words, I stared at him in utter disbelief. My mind couldn't wrap around the fact that he forgave me. All of a sudden, he pulled the bandage down, exposing his wounded elbow. I could tell a scar was already starting to form. He said, "You see this scar? It's a reminder. A reminder of all the times where we fell, figuratively and literally, and of all the times we helped each other right back up."
I stared at him, and I smiled, and I realized that for the rest of our lives we will be learning from each other. Each other's mistakes, faults, and unwise words. However, it will be these mistakes, faults, and unwise words that will shape us to be who we will become, and for that reason alone, is why my application would be incomplete without him.
Suddenly, he yells, "Race you to the end of the pool!" and he jumps up, sprinting to the other side of the pool. I laugh, and follow ensuite, realizing that no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other.
Jeffrey, the story is good but inconsistent. You made it sound like your brother had a grave and life threatening accident at the pool with the description at the beginning. Then it turns out that he did nothing more than skin his elbow. That is an unacceptable exaggeration in the essay. Always be truthful in your statements. Exaggerations are considered black marks in these types of essays and are frowned upon greatly. So don't exaggerate just to appeal to the emotions of the reviewer. If it was a simple case of skinning his elbow and a little blood forming on the top of the skin, if the skin broke and bled, then say so. Don't make it appear as if he broke his elbow with blood gushing all over the place. Just tell it as it is. Just the truthful facts and nothing more. No exaggerations.
It won't hurt for you to tell the anecdote in truthful and simple terms because the lesson that you imparted, based upon the guilt that you felt, the actions of your brother, and the lessons that you learned from what happened are more important than the story that inspired all of those lessons in you. The role of your brother in your development as a person will not be lessened by a less dramatic pool accident, what matters is the words of wisdom that he shared with you and how you developed as a person from that point :-)
Jeffrey, in truth the essay doesn't sound exceptional at this point. However, it might develop into an interesting read as you revise the content of the essay. Sometimes, the interest in the essay comes from the way you present it to the reviewer. Right now, the essay doesn't "pop" on the screen. There is nothing that will set it apart from the other application essays. Maybe you would like to consider changing the topic that you are discussing in the essay instead?
In truth, the essay that you wrote was more about your brother than yourself. The shaping that occurred of your personality probably comprises one paragraph at this point. What you need is to focus the story of the essay on you. Don't share the limelight with your brother. In this instance, your brother is the center of your essay, he isn't the applicant :-) Your participation in the essay was almost a mere footnote towards the end of it :-)
There is still time for you to reconsider the topic of the essay. I recommend that you take the time to do that. I am sure you will come up with something better. If you are not sure about this essay, then you should definitely change it.
