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Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast


willflem 1 / 4 2  
Sep 19, 2015   #1
Why would you like to attend Brandeis? (250 words or fewer) HELP!!!

I'm applying to Brandeis University as a transfer. I really love this college. This is my rough draft, and its maxed at 250. I need help on any mistakes that I have made. I did my best to delete any errors, however an extra pair of eyes would most certainly help. I remained pretty genuine with my experience. Please let me know if everything flows correctly, and most of all makes sense. THANK YOU !!!

Melodies of the Erhu (or Chinese violin), strokes of traditional characters, and brush paintings of mystical landscapes resonated with my young mind profoundly after watching too many re-runs of the movie,Rush Hour. Needless to say, my youthful mind became charged, and empowered through curiosity to learn more about the culture of Hong Kong, and China respectively. As each memory of my life painted a picture of my past, Asian culture has been a major influence in my career ambitions, and Brandeis University is a part of those aspirations.

Your institution carries a heavy emphasis on being a part of something bigger than one's self. Furthermore, the prominence on community service is appealing; along with various student clubs that encompasses Asian culture attracts me. At that moment, I realized that Brandeis University believes in global citizenship just as I do. Unlike many other colleges, Brandeis's vision was established and has always sought to protect ethnic, religious and racial minorities while prioritizing justice, equality, and social change.

However, Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast. Until, reading reviews on various college websites from Brandeis alumnus and current students. The comments are extremely positive, and illustrates a welcoming culture. From those individual college reviews, I saw proof in Brandeis's vision. Brandeis is right for me because I will contribute to those values through curiosity to learn the unknowing, and helping those in need while doing so. Thank you for this opportunity.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 19, 2015   #2
When you are asked to explain why you are interested in attending any university in general, the reviewer does not expect to read a rehash of what they already know about their university. Rather, they would like to learn about how your desire to attend the university has influenced your life and how you plan to help them improve their student community should you be allowed to enroll in their university. The essay that you wrote, in my opinion, still needs work. I understand that you were honest in your response and that honesty is quite important to the essay. However, there is an important aspect that you need to reconcile in the essay so that you can successfully explain your desire to attend Brandeis.

It would be interesting to read how your personal journey in choosing a university led you to Brandeis. Once you can make your personal journey resonate with the objectives of the university, you will be able to develop an almost perfect response to the prompt. Using the movie viewing to open the essay is a good touch. However, that paragraph seems to be disconnected from the prompt requirements. How exactly does Brandeis fit into this particular event in your life? Make the connection to make the paragraph more effective and eye catching.

Your institution carries a heavy emphasis on being a part of something bigger than one's self. Furthermore, the prominence on community service is appealing; along with various student clubs that encompasses Asian culture attracts me. At that moment, I realized that Brandeis University believes in global citizenship just as I do. Unlike many other colleges, Brandeis's vision was established and has always sought to protect ethnic, religious and racial minorities while prioritizing justice, equality, and social change.

- I suggest that you reword this particular paragraph because it sounds like it came straight out of the student brochure rather than your thoughts. You mentioned that Asian culture attracts you and that the university believes in global citizenship. Where is the build up? Always connect your activities or personal principles with that of Brandeis. Always support your statement otherwise it leaves the reader questioning the truthfulness of your response.

I saw proof in Brandeis's vision.

- How does their vision align with yours? How do you see your relationship with the university influencing each other once you attend the university?

Since universities are not aiming to be politically correct, I would most certainly play up a unique relationship between the fact that the university is Jewish and you are Muslim. Your interest in Brandeis is unique. So explaining why you developed that interest even though you come from a different religion will definitely catch the eye of the reader.

Good luck with your application :-)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 22, 2015   #3
- ...strokes of traditional characters,( delete all your commas (,) before the word "and" as it's not necessary) and brush paintings...

- YourThe institution..
-...carries a heavyutmost emphasis on being..
- ...a part of something bigger than one's selfif not larger than life .
- Furthermore, the prominence on community service is appealing;, along...
- ...Asian culture attracts medraw my interest to the institution .
- At that moment, I realized that Brandeis University....

- ...university, I feltmade me feel that I being a...
- ...Muslim would make me an outcast.
- Until, readingHaving this in mind, I read reviews...
- From those individual college reviewsArmed with this very useful information , I saw...
- a proof in Brandeis's vision.
- Brandeis is right for me because, I will contribute to those...
- ...values through curiosity toin learning the unknowing,

I hope the remarks made a difference.
OP willflem 1 / 4 2  
Sep 24, 2015   #4
Thanks vangiespen and justivy03 for the feedback it helped a lot.
Sorry for the late reply. Work kept me away however I was reading the comments along the way. I drastically changed my essay. Instead of speaking of a childhood memory, I wrote about my study abroad experience. I really focused on linking every bit of the essay together to make it sound fluent as possible. Its currently at 249 words. The limit is 250 words. What do you think?

During one summer, I spent a week volunteering at an orphanage for the mentally challenged in Rabat, the capital of Morocco. Needless to say, my time there was not easy - wake up at the home base at 6:00 AM, and depart by 7:30 AM then reside at the orphanage until the afternoon. For the most part, the orphans were either immobile or able bodied but with an impairment, and the frustrating language barrier made matters cloudy. Nonetheless after playing "hide and go seek", feeding and singing to the children with my mediocre lullabies. In effect, I realized that I'm providing love and service to those who are often forgotten by society, and providing hope in their lives through one word: faith.

Brandeis University is my top choice because the student community commits to providing service through faith, respectively spreading hope. This correlates to my experience I mentioned. Besides a rigorous and quality education, the effects of that journey profoundly encouraged me to apply to Brandeis. However, Brandeis being a Jewish-affiliated university, made me feel that being a Muslim would make me an outcast. Having this in mind, I read reviews on various college websites from Brandeis alumnus and current students which left me positive, and welcomed. Armed with this very useful information, I saw a proof in Brandeis's vision and Jewish values: love thy stranger (Lev. 19:34). Through my faith, I will offer my heart and service to those in need through Brandeis University and beyond while spreading hope.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #5
Will, while the story about your volunteer exploits have shown the reader that you have a soft heart and a natural talent for caring, I don't see how it connects to your decision to attend Brandeis. That connection should be made clear at the very start. Why not try to revise your opening statement with something along these lines to connect the Brandeis and your experience:

As I was reading up on Brandeis, I came to realize that this was the university for me. Although I am Muslim, I learned that we share a very strong vision with the Jewish faith through the vision of Brandeis that says : love thy stranger (Lev. 19:34). When I read that, I was reminded of the summer when I spent a week volunteering at an orphanage for the special needs children in Morroco.

By presenting that immediate reason for wanting to attend Brandeis, you then have more space and words to discuss the experience you had. By the way, I found an incomplete sentence in your first paragraph: Nonetheless after playing "hide and go seek", feeding and singing to the children with my mediocre lullabies. What happened after that? When you say nonetheless, it connotes a successful action taking place on your part despite obstacles. You may want to revise that sentence to better reflect your thoughts.

When you talk about love and faith, try to bring the essay full circle by connecting it with the vision, mission, or objectives of Brandeis. Remember they are asking you why you chose to attend the university, so the more passionate reasons you can provide, the stronger the connection you can make between Brandeis and your own vision for your future, the stronger your essay will be.
OP willflem 1 / 4 2  
Sep 24, 2015   #6
Thank you for being so critical. I finally get what you're saying. You want me to initially make that connection with my reasons for applying. Not only that, I can see that you also want me to go more in-depth and not brush over the statements. I'm going to work on that as well. This is becoming tedious because its only 250 words but I got this. Thank you for helping me. I will post my results later tonight.
OP willflem 1 / 4 2  
Sep 25, 2015   #7
Here it is, a day late actually however I felt the need to analyze it once more. I'm at 276 words, what do you believe I can delete or change so I can make this 26 words shorter? Most of all, does it sound better?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 25, 2015   #8
Hi William ! I hope you won't mind but I took the liberty of editing your essay for content to meet the word count. I was able to revise it to 247 words without losing the message and essence of your original work. I hope it works for you. This is what I came up with:

As I was reading up on Brandeis, I came to realize that this was the university for me. Although I am Muslim, I learned that we share a very strong vision with the Jewish faith: love thy stranger (Lev. 19:34). When I read that, I was reminded of the summer when I volunteered at an orphanage for special needs children in Morocco. My time there was not easy because the language barrier hindered my efforts to communicate. However, after playing "hide and go seek", feeding and singing to the children with my mediocre lullabies; smiles and laughter did all the communicating .I realized that I WAS providing love and service to those who are forgotten by society, and providing hope through one word: faith.

MY experience IN Morocco changed my perception ABOUT higher education. That perception being, a college experience should embody service towards the greater good through faith, THE student community at Brandeis is reflective of that belief. According to THE Director of Community Service Lucas Malo, students log 60,000 hours of community service each year. Upon reading that, I knew Brandeis shared my belief in higher education. I WAS FURTHER ENCOURAGED TO ENROLL AT BRANDEIS WHEN FEEDBACK I RECEIVED TOLD ME BRANDEIS DID NOT CARE IF I WAS MUSLIM. I WOULD BE EMBRACED BY THE UNIVERSITY REGARDLESS OF MY RELIGION. Given these points, I know Brandeis is right for me because I was given hope, and I will do the same through our SHARED vision.
OP willflem 1 / 4 2  
Sep 25, 2015   #9
Alhamdulillah *_* wow, you're like a blessing. Thank you so much! Seriously! Now I can finally submit my application. I really do appreciate your help. You helped me see my faults in my writing. Sometimes its hard for me to write my thoughts down but now I have more confidence. Thank you again! If there's anything I can do to show my gratitude, do not hesitate to ask. Salaam !


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