Hello, I need help to revise my essay. Any advice would mean a lot to me.
Going to UC Davis is the right choice for me because as first generation college students, I have the goal to aim high and allowing me to accomplish my goals. I have visited UC Davis previously, I have instantly adapted it to its community. Since I come from a small community and I have always been involved in my high school clubs and extracurricular activities. UC Davis is the best college for me because it provides various programs that help students as myself. University of California, Davis is the right place to follow my undergraduates studies of Biochemistry. It offers classes that would assist me in reaching my career goals. In addition, joining clubs like MEDICOS SIG and the Academic Medicine SIG will provide me with a chance to encourage myself towards my goal. Moreover, joining sports clubs like the UC Davis Cross Country and Track club will allow me to interact with other students that share the same interests as me. I have no doubts that UC Davis is the right place in order for me to succeed. I will take advantage of any resources that are available to me.
Here my suggestion for your sentences.. Hope can help you :)
Being a student of University of California, Davis, is the right choice for me, because I am the first generation college student and I aim to accomplish my high goals. I have visited UC Davis in previous time, therefore I have been adapted instantly to its community. I used to be involved in my high school clubs and extracurricular activities since I came from a small community. I believe UC Davis is the most suitable college for me, because it provides various programs which is helpful for the students, especially me. It is the right place to finish my under graduated studies, which is major in Biochemistry.
Ttito, I like your grammar consistency, no doubt that you are a native speaker of English. Your writing is also undoubtedly very clear and understandable. In fact, I give some feedback concerning to your development of ideas, perhaps you can take some of them as your consideration later in you revision. Now, for some additional ideas or thought, with some corrections applied.
- athe goal
- aim high and allowing me , which allows me...
- a goal...............to accomplish my goals
- Previously, I have visited UC Davis previously, I haveand instantly adapted it to its community
- Since I come from a small community and, I have (comma, not 'and')
- UC Davis is the best college for me, because (comma needed)
- that help students as myselffrom various backgrounds. (I think it is better when you put the idea that this college is not only best for you, but also best for others)
- undergraduates
- goal (I notice you accidentally wrote this 'word' continuously. Better try to use some synonyms , such as purpose, target, aim, intention, dream)
- Moreover (less convincing, how about 'therefore'?)
- in order for me to succeed (in order to develop my professional enhancement as... (mention your target))
- that are available to me.(which are available for the sake of my professional development in the future)
There you are Tttito, I hope to see your upcoming revision soon.
Keep writing and good luck! :)
Tito, first impression of the first sentence is essential. Perhaps you can take a look from an opening sentence of my personal statement and paraphrase it. Here you are:
- Enrolling in Master of Arts in Applied Linguistics with TESOL embodies my professional enhancement as a lecturer's assistant at a tertiary education level and as an instructor at a private institution in Indonesia.
- various programs that helps ...
- University of California, Davis is the right place to follow my undergraduate studies of Biochemistry.you need to re-think about this sentence. Confusing right? How about this:
- Studying Biochemistry in University of California, Davis, for my undergraduate degree will be worth pursuing. then the next sentence would be 'It is because it offers........."
- ...to develop my professional enhancement as ..... (you need to mention your career goal here after graduating from UC Davis, for example, biochemist or scientist)
So, you need to revise it a little bit more, concerning to the flow of ideas. Nice improvement that you have there.
May I know when is the deadline? I am afraid that I cannot respond your question quickly. I hope other contributors would be able to help you. :)
Good luck for revising that essay! :)
