Hello! I'd appreciate some feedback on the content and grammar of my personal statement for my Common App Transfer application. I'm having trouble ending the essay, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank you! :)
Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source.(250-650 words)
I spent my senior year of high school googling phrases like "best careers for INFJ's" and taking every online career quiz that popped up; still unsure about what I wanted to study and not interested in taking a gap year, I decided to enroll at [ _________ College] and major in liberal studies. A few months into my freshman year at [ ____ ], I heard about the success that my six-year-old cousin was having in his speech therapy sessions and decided to do some research. As I delved deeper into the world of speech-language pathology, I became intrigued and wanted to shadow an SLP working in my local school system.
For an entire day, I was lucky enough to sit in on about ten sessions and observe as she taught them how to shape their lips and place their tongues in ways that would enhance articulation and implement creative, yet educational activities that kept them focused and excited about the lesson. Later that day when I left the elementary school I couldn't help but think about how badly I wanted to help children gain the ability to have successful conversations and social interactions that would benefit their everyday life and positively impact their future.
Upon returning to [ ____ ], I began to realize that they didn't offer the program necessary to fulfill my professional aspirations. I don't regret the time that I've spent at [ ____ ]. I've had the privilege to learn from extraordinary professors and developed self-discipline, a quality that was admittedly absent in high school. I know that before my time at [ ____ ] I would have lacked the necessary persistence required to be a successful full-time student during the day and going to work at night. I've adapted well at [ ____ ], and I could stay here and obtain a degree, but I know I would be missing out on the opportunity to take courses specific to my major and interests. Despite my reason for transferring being almost entirely academic, I'm excited to be on a new campus, that's inclusive and effervescent with comradery and school pride while meeting new people. It's important to me to attend an institution where people are equally as zealous about their passions and studies as I am. I'm prepared to dive head first into a new environment; I know that I could truly blossom at [ _____ College], socially and academically.
Hi Haley, as I go through your essay, I believe it is written well,
with the exception of the last paragraph. This is where my remarks are focused on.
Kindly find the remarks below;
Final paragraph
- offer the program necessary to fulfillto address my professional aspirations.
- I don't regretT he time that I've spent at [ ____ ].
- buthowever, I know I would
- It's important tofor me to attend
- I'm prepared to dive head firstin into a new environment;
- I knowbelieve that I could truly blossomI will be a great addition toat [ _____ College], socially and academically.
There you have it Haley, I hope my remarks helped in enhancing your essay.
For future reference, avoid using bold words, keep it simple, as conversational as you can, especially when answering prompts as personal as this one.
Hi Haley! You introduce yourself, your goals, and reasons behind transferring really well.Overall I think this is shaping up to be a great essay. I just have some minor edits for you.
For an entire day, I was lucky enough to observe ten sessions as the pathologist taught students how to shape their lips and position their tongues in ways that would enhance articulation, She also implemented creative educational activities that kept the students both focused and excited about the lesson.
Thank you, Katheryn! Is there anything you would suggest to "beef up" the essay or is it okay as is? I'm just trying to make sure I cover everything that an admissions counselor would be looking for. :)
Sorry, I pressed enter by mistake and I posted an incomplete message.
Despite my reason for transferring being almost entirely academic, I'm excited to be on a new campus, that's inclusive and effervescent with comradery and school pride while meeting new people
I'm choosing to transfer for almost entirely academic reasons; however, transferring to xyz college excites me socially as well. I'm eagerly anticipating transferring as I find it an inclusive environment, effervescent with camaraderie and school pride, where I'll be able to meet like minded people.Good luck!
Bleh, that's what I get for being slow. Well, it's always good to include things like goals and plans. Maybe include the type of population you'd like to work with and talk about professional aspirations. What age group, working at a school, having a private practice, etc... Also more about why you and the school are a good match (over similar schools, etc...) and what you hope to get out of your education. It might help to talk about why you feel like the culture of your school wasn't a good fit and why this one is (which you did talk about a little bit).
Good luck!
