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Amherst Supplement-Overcoming Difficulty; Living in Egypt


hannah9501 1 / -  
Dec 29, 2013   #1
They were loud. The specs of people, raising yellow hands, clapped, stomped, and shouted.
I was sick. Watching the protesters on the street, I had been awfully sick, delirious with fever.
I was alone. This year, my family moved back to Korea, while I stayed in Egypt with a host family to graduate the high school.

I was scared. Witnessing the infuriated pro-Morsi protesters from the balcony, I realized the turbulence in Egypt could possibly put my education and safety in danger.

I was sick, alone, and scared; however, clock was still ticking; all my responsibilities -from shopping groceries to writing college essays- did not just disappear; I had to move on; I had to be more focused, more determined. Instead of reinforcing apprehension and inanition, I began to think myself as a camera. The more a camera zooms in, the smaller view it yields. So, when I felt lonely and anxious, I tried to 'zoom in' my thoughts and focus on and live the moment-making my bed, jotting down grocery list, working on assignments for tomorrow . Zooming in my thoughts is not necessarily running away from the reality, but appreciating the moment that I have control over. Even though I had no control over Egypt's political turmoil, the order from my father's company to return to Korea, and my life influenced by those inevitable events, I did have control over how to live every moment. I was the captain of my life.

Even when I was writing this essay, the explosion targeting civilians took place in Cairo. The country that has nurtured me is trapped in the vicious cycle of hatred and conflict. Rest of my high school life in Egypt might be challenging and unsafe. However, at the corners of my life, obstacles will be sneakily waiting. And, this is why the experience of living alone in Egypt is an invaluable achievement. In the past four months, I learned I can balance my life despite of obstacles and environment if I appreciate the moment.

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This is a very rough draft. And, I need to cut down about 60 words. I would really appreciate your help!!
Written by Hannah Chang (Please do not plagiarize)
Kanyinqt 1 / 4 1  
Dec 29, 2013   #2
Hey could you post the quote u chose? I think it would help me understand the essay more.

These are my personal opinions and how I think you could cut down ur essay! :

I would not reiterate being sick, alone and scared too many times. Describe it. Perhaps you should combine sick and alone like -

I was sick and alone. Watching the protesters flood the streets and witnessing the infuriated pro-Morsi dissidents from my balcony gave me an fear that was more frightening than the onset of cancer (okay maybe cancer's a stretch) . To top it off, my family moved back to Korea while I stayed in Egypt, left with a host family to help me finish high school. However, the clock was still ticking; although the turbulence in Egypt could possibly put my education and safety in danger, all my responsibilities -from shopping for groceries to writing college essays- did not just disappear; I had to move on; I had to be more focused, more determined.

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I also would like to say that I think it is really cool that you live in Egypt though ur from Korea!
badra100 - / 9  
Dec 29, 2013   #3
Amherst Supplement is very difficult essay. You should to hard struggle to write it.


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