Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2


'My ambition was evident' - Commonapp Transfer Essay


Vinny_Pooh 3 / 7  
Jan 5, 2012   #1
Hey guys. Can you critique my essay? Am is answering the prompt correctly? Grammatical errors? Is it good? thanks for your time.

Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The University Experience

During high school I was enormously ambitious. I took the hardest courses offered and always saved time for my extracurriculars such as playing my instruments. My ambition was evident in my application process. I applied to the best universities in the world with the blind hope that I could be accepted to one of them. My ambition got the better of me. I was ignorant enough to place only one safe school in my application simply because I thought that the laws of probability were in my favor. I was wrong. Most animals on our planet are defined as being direct , determined, and systematic by nature, and as soon as I was accepted into my safe school, ___ College, an animal was released from within me.

Before entering a university, I had this vision of it. My vision was formulated by three simple concepts which I believe every university should strive to implement. A sense of Community in which everybody has a voice, but most importantly a voice which is heard. Intellectual perseverance such that every student is challenged intellectually not for the bad but for the good. And most importantly becoming free, such that a student leaves their family behind and starts a new chapter in her/his life. My vision is obviously a romantic ideal but that does mean I am unable to achieve it. However improbable something may be, there is always a possibility.

Commuting to my school and subsequently entering it I was always feel as if I don't belong to my school, as if my vision is barricading me away from my school. I want my voice to be heard, but it is not because I do not sense community which I so desperately want. I often want my intellect to be challenged, but it is not because I attend a public institution where I am surrounded by students and instructors who act and teach in the same way I remember was in high school. But most of the time, I often want to be free, but I am not because I still continue to live with my family in the same city I lived in for over ten years. It is evident to me that I am not currently living my university experience which I had envisioned before entering college and I fear I will be unable to strive for the best until my vision is fulfilled.

Despite not having my vision fulfilled, I am aware I am more wise thanks to the institution I currently attend. I cannot hide the fact that my current school is filled with students and professors alike who are determined and try to strive for the best. I finally taken for the first time in my life a philosophy course which further bolstered my love of philosophy. I have taken pre-calculus which finally made me realize that math can be as exciting as art all thanks to a terrific math professor who made me realize this.

My vision of a university is something of an ideal which by some definitions is ambitious. Again my ambition is trying to get the better of me, trying desperately to make be go blind and rely on shear hope, but I am lucky for one thing, I now more wise and I believe my new found wisdom will enable me see my vision fulfilled.

Word count 567.
frazzledbrain 1 / 1  
Jan 6, 2012   #2
Its good but you lost me a little because it appears as though you use the smae words over and over.

...always saved time for my extracurriculars such as playing my instruments. (be specific. what instruments?)

A sense of Cc ommunity in which everybody has a voice

Intellectual perseverance such that every student is challenged intellectually (try using another word to avoid repition) not for the bad but for the good . (rephrase so it sounds less elemetary)

My vision is obviously a romantic ideal but that does (did you mean to insert the word not right here?) mean I am unable to achieve it.

I have taken pre-calculus which finally made me realize that math can be as exciting as art all thanks to a terrific math professor who made me realize this.


Home / Undergraduate / 'My ambition was evident' - Commonapp Transfer Essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳