Prompt: We firmly believe that every person is unique and of value. Our University is enriched by embracing individual differences and creating a community that is much more than the sum of its parts. In 650 words or less, share your story with us. Tell us how you came to be the person you are today, and about your passions and future expectations. Describe how you will benefit from our community and how our community will benefit from you.
Essay:
I have never really had a passion. I always invested a lot of time in school and cheerleading, but I would not consider either of those to be my passion. With that being said, I have always wanted a passion. I envied people who fought for a cause or whose face lit up when they spoke about their passion. I have never really had a passion, until three months ago.
While surfing the web on YouTube, I came across a video titled "5 Benefits of Being Vegan After One Year." I thought it looked interesting so I decided to click on it. Little did I know that this five minute and twenty three second video would change my life by giving me something I had always wanted: a passion.
This video inspired me to educate myself on veganism. I stayed up until one in the morning researching and trying to decide if I wanted to go vegan. I came to the conclusion that I would try it for a while, maybe a week or two. I would do it for the health benefits and to see if eating a vegan diet would give me more energy, like my research promised.
The next day I went to the grocery store and bought a cart full of fruits and vegetables. Within three days I noticed that not only did I have more energy, but I was falling asleep more easily, sleeping better, and my skin was clearing up. I went to a hot yoga class, which on normal circumstances I would feel exhausted afterwards, and I wanted to stay for the next class. While I used to stay awake staring at my ceiling for hours, I was now falling asleep within ten minutes of laying down. This was one of the best things that had ever happened to me!
So I decided to continue, for the first two months it was for the health benefits. At the time, I did not concern myself with the torture of animals.. This was merely because when I ate animal products, I would protect myself from watching the videos of what the industry does to animals for our food. I knew I would feel terrible about eating animal products if I watched these videos.
But, once I was vegan for two months and planned to stay vegan for a long time, I decided to expose myself to the truth. Veganism was no longer just a diet to me, it was now a lifestyle. Watching these videos sparked a flame in me and veganism soon became my passion. I wanted to protect those animals because they cannot speak up for themselves.
By sharing my passion with others, I have inspired my sister and one of my friends to go vegan. Prior to looking at the ethical side of veganism, I would not have seen it as a big accomplishment to inspire someone to eat a plant-based diet. But now that I understand that our free market works on supply and demand, and if demand decreases supply will as well, I understand that if just one person stops eating animals products, it can have a slight impact on decreasing the torture, rape, and exploitation of these animals.
With this passion, I believe I can benefit from the Florida State community in so many ways. I can further educate myself by meeting a variety of new people and being exposed to all of their views, even if my beliefs differ from theirs, I am always open to hear new opinions. The Florida State community can benefit from me because I will spread my passion as much as possible. I would be interested in joining or starting a vegan or animal cruelty club on campus and pushing for more vegan options. As an activist of veganism, my hopes are to open people's eyes to the fact the veganism is more healthy and sustainable than the average American diet.
Mack,you don't really need to tell the reviewer that you did not have a passion in your life before you reached a certain point. Word fillers like that don't really do much to advance your essay. Just tell the reader directly about your passion and use the word count that you saved to further develop your last paragraph. There are also some other parts of the essay that you can omit in order to strengthen the essay and allow you to better develop other important ideas in the essay.
I think you should just focus the essay on veganism and not muddle the discussion with animal rights. Your discussion of animal rights doesn't have any strong impact on the information you already presented on your passion for veganism because it is really supposed to be a separate discussion. So if you leave it off the plate your vegan passion stands out more. There really isn't any place for the line about animal supply and demand because it removes the focus from the main subject of veganism. Save it for another essay.
You need to make that last paragraph stronger. While I applaud you for thoroughly developing the story of your passion, it also weakened the latter part of the paragraph that was meant to develop your passion for Florida State. How you plan to promote veganism at the university and how it would be your legacy project there. Leaving your mark upon the student community long after you graduate. Try to give a clearer picture of how you and the community will benefit from a mutual relationship and understanding of another. You set the platform for that discussion when you said you respect the opinion of others and look forward to learning from them, and vice versa. How will that apply to your veganism? Give the last paragraph the feel of the passion you have to complete your education at the university. Make it equal to, if not surpassing that passion you have for veganism.
- WithT hat being said,
- I have always wanted to develop a passion. (I say develop a passion because, passion is developed and not chosen like how you chose a course in college )
- I enviedenvy people who...
- ...that had ever happened to me!
- At thethat time,
- I didwas not...
- ...concernedmyself with the torture of animals.
- ...what the industry does to animals.for our food .
- But, once I wasHowever being vegan for...
Well, going vegan may be tough for some but it does have a lot of benefits. Way to go for you and the best of luck in this new found passion.
Now, your essay speaks highly of your passion which is very good, however, correct me if I'm wrong that the purpose of your essay is for a college application and this essay does not depict or justify it's purpose, I suggest writing much more about your academic background and add this story of you being vegan either to the body or incorporate it to the essay as much as you can without misleading it's purpose.
@vangiespen, just wondering what you think would be a good title for this essay? I've been trying to think of something but can't seem to think of a good one :( kind of stumped.
Hmm... I am not sure about how I can help you with coming up with a title for your essay. I'm not really familiar with veganism so I might make a few mistakes with my suggested titles. I'm going to give it a try even though I am not sure if I will be on the right track. Here's my list of suggested titles:
1. How Veganism Changed My Life
2. Veganism Isn't Hard to Understand
3. I'm a Vegan and Proud of It
4. Veganism is Here to Stay
5. Nothing Against Meat Eaters But...
6. The Contribution of Veganism to My Life
7. So I'm a Vegan, Don't Scoff At It !
8. Want to Live Better? Try Going Vegan
Like I said, I am not sure how well I can come up with a title for you being unfamiliar with the topic. My only aim at this point is to try and give you some tips on how to develop a creative title for your essay. Now, if you happen to find a title you can work with in the list, then feel free to use it :-)
