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"You can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it,"One Page Autobiography


khoshhal 1 / 5  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
I have to write Maximum one page autobiography about myself. I would really appreciate any suggestion to improve my mini essay. Thanks a lot,

"You can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it, " said, a 68-year-old South Korean woman who passed written driver's license exam on her 950th try. I strongly believe that determination and commitment is essential components of any success, but that is not all of the ingredients. One cannot simply accomplish his/her dream with an empty commitment. A commitment should have a value for the person, and it requires an action. I personally consider my success as a result of dedication and persistent; establishing positive attitude toward my goal and finally getting my hands on action. I never let failures to stop me, but I see a failure as a component of a success, and I consider every failed try an attempt that gets me closer to my goal.

It was August 2007 when I left Afghanistan to study in the United States. My friends were not sure I would be able to pass my GED test, instead, they advised me to get a job in oil field and make quick money. Their advices bothered, but did not stop me from chasing my dream. The next month, I went and signed up in Bakersfield Adult School. Within couple of months, I was able to pass my GED test and made my way to college. Within a year and half, I gradated from Bakersfield College with an honor degree in Associate in Arts. Now, I am here starting my second quarter at CSUB hoping to graduate with a bachelor by the end of 2010 and by 2012 with my Master in Economics.

During this short journey, I have come a cross of a lot obstacle and financial hurdles, but I never lost my hope. Instead, I struggled, modified my life and looked for alternatives. For instance, when the gas price went up, I moved closer to college so I did not have to drive anymore. When I lost my job, I applied for financial aid and student loan, and instead of buying new books; I tried to utilize library resources, until I get a good deal on used books on Ebay or Amazon. Yes persistent and dedication is a key to success, and today I am proud to say that I am an example of a successful person. I am determined to make my long holding dream a reality no matter what. I thank you in advance for considering my application, and I promise you that your contribution will make a big difference for me and my community.
PineappleCrush 5 / 7  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
hiiii! I'm so sorry this is late!
Anyway, let's see if I can help. First of all, I really enjoy your story. I'll try and add as much feedback as possible!

"You can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it, " said, a 68-year-old South Korean woman if you put her name, it would seem more personal who passed her written driver's license exam on her 950th try. I strongly believe that determination and commitment isare essential components of any success, but that is not all of the ingredientsthis could be reworded differently. Maybe "but there's more to it" or "but more ingredients are needed for the recipe of success" . One cannot simply accomplish his/hermaybe "their"? dream with an emptyI would just change this to "without a" commitment. A commitment should have a value for the person, and it requires an action. I personally consider my success asto be a result of dedication and persistentpersistence; . establishing a positive attitude toward my goal and finally getting my hands on action. I never let failures to stop me, but I see a failure as a component of a success, and I consider every failed try an attempt that gets me closer to my goal.

wait I'll finish this! my computer is starting to slow down!
PineappleCrush 5 / 7  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
Okay sorry about that!

I personally consider my success as to be a result of dedication and persistence by establishing a positive attitude towards my goal and finallygetting my hands on actionI would try something else instead of this. Maybe "working until I get my hands on the prize" or something along those lines. . I never let failures to stop mehold me back, butand I see a failure as a component of a success, . and I consider every failed try ure an attempt that gets me closer to my goal.

It was August 2007 when I left Afghanistan to study in the United States. My friends were not sure that I would be able to pass my GED test,.Instead, they advised me to get a job in the oil fieldsandto make quick money. Their advicesmay have bothered me, but it did not stop me from chasing my dream. The next month, I went and signed up inenrolled at Bakersfield Adult School. Within a couple of months, I was able to passed my GED test and made my way to college. Within a year and half, I graduated from Bakersfield College with an honorsAssociate's degree in Associate in Arts. Now, I am here starting my second quarter at CSUB hopingas an Economics major and plan to graduate with a Bachelor'sby the end of 2010 and a Master's by 2012 with my Master in Economics .

During this shortOn my journey to success, I have come acrossof a lot of obstacles and financial hurdles, but I have never lost my hope. Instead, I struggled, modified my life and looked for alternatives. For instance,When the gas pricethe price of gas went up, I moved closer to my college so I did not have to drive anymore. When I lost my job, I applied for financial aid and student loans.And instead of buying new books, I tried to utilize library resources, until I got a good deal on used books from Ebay or Amazon. Yes, persistence and dedication is the key to success, and today I am proud to say that I am an example of a successful person. I am determined to make my long holding dreams a reality no matter what. I thank you in advance for considering my application, and I promise you that your contribution will make a big difference for me and my community.

Alright, so some things:
1. Whether it be dreams or dream, make sure they are all the same. I wasn't sure if you had dreams or just a dream, so make sure that they all say "dreams" or "dream".

2. You should definitely write about what your dream actually is. They want to hear about your life.
3. These people want to hear all about you, so try adding in examples from your life in Afghanistan and show how you still persevere after all these years. Not to mention, this is an autobiographical piece, and you can't just talk about only a portion of your life.
OP khoshhal 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
Thanks a lot Kalena Zimmerman. I really liked your correction, and I appreciate your time and effort you put in to my essay. keeping all your, I will definitely revise my essay. The problem is that the essay should be Maximum of one page, and I can not put more to it.


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