The "why this college?" essay is the one I am worst at, but in my opinion you did answer the prompt. I find your essay and your experiences to be authentic. Now just some corrections:
the town of El Cocuy in Colombia. I and my familyMy family and I
Overall I don't think this paragraph is a good beggining. You say some unnecessary information and you began talking like you alredy knew the town, and the essay isn't really about your trip so you shouldn't start talking about it, in my opinion.
El Cocuy is a beautiful town located in the hearth
this place are humble and, as good Colombians, very kind
People in El Cocuy haven't seenknown peace for about 50 years. Many of the families have been mutilated by the war, many of their members dying for one of the groups.
I would say it like that.
The reality in the city was very different from the reality in the rest of Colombia. Until then I was a child who lived in a big city: Bogotá. I hadn't noticed what was going on in my country. For the first time when I was 15 years old
I would write: For fifteen years I have been a child living in a big city, Bogotá, that didn't know what was going on in his/her country. The reality I knew was very different from the one this people had to put up with everyday.
But about this paragraph and the beggining: if your trip was the one that opened your eyes to the situation in your country, then you should make it clearer. Like, for example, you could try describing something you saw, or something that happened there. I mean, if this is the direction you want to go for in your essay.
Why did this war exists?
Shouldn't it be in present?
What was behind that conflict?
I think it is repetitive.
I looked for answers. And
I would delete this.
it wasn't fair that I have had much more opportunities
this situation iswas by doing politics
andI helping this communitythem fulfills me and inspires me .
My dream is that one day every Colombian child will have access to the same opportunities and to the same education.
My dream is that one day every Colombian child will have the same opportunities, specially Access to education.
I want to make this change in the field of politics.
This sentence gives a somewhat abrupt ending to the paragraph.
I am very doubtful about the last paragraph. I know there are mistakes but I am not sure about the content. I hope someone else can help you with it.
Buena suerte!