Hi, I'm posting my transfer essay for UW Seattle's autumn 2015 quarter. The essay's currently at 932 words and the suggested length is from 750-1000 words. I'm looking to improve it so I'll appreciate any forms of thoughtful feedback. I'm not the best writer and I often miss errors in my own grammar so please point out any awkwardly phrased sentences.
Thanks for taking the time to read all of this.
Criteria:
A. Academic Elements (required)
Academic History
Your Major and/or Career Goals
Cultural Understanding
Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships (if applicable)
Additional Comments (optional)
-Do you have a compelling academic or personal need to attend the University of Washington-Seattle at this time? Is there anything else you would like us to know?
Slowly, the weight begins to rise from the floor as the muscles in my lower body provide the force required to break inertia. I pull the bar past my shins without much trouble when suddenly, it refuses to move any further. My entire body begins to tremble against this unanticipated opposition, a sign from my central nervous system that I am quickly approaching my limit. Determined to not let weeks of carefully planned training go to waste, I force the bar to move past my knees through purely adrenaline fueled willpower. My hips strain to provide the support that I demand from them until finally, the lift is complete. Sweat and black dots cloud my vision as I let out the breath that I held for the entire lift. Fatigue nearly overwhelms me as my exhausted muscles protest against my abuse, but I was relishing every second of it. These moments of accomplishment were just a part of the impact that the gym made on me.
My first reluctant steps into the gym served as a critical moment in my life. I had spent the entirety of my childhood as a recluse, imprisoned by my own shyness. My social anxiety prevented me from participating in sports and extracurricular activities, and I experienced a steady weight gain with each passing year as a consequence of my sedentary lifestyle. Shortly after my 14th birthday, my father finally expressed his disappointment in my choice to lead a life of mediocrity. My father always believed that a strong work ethic and perseverance laid the foundation necessary for success. His countless stories of enduring adversity as a first generation immigrant from South Korea strongly reflect those values. I grew up admiring him for his unyielding determination in the face of any challenge, and hearing words of disappointment from the man who was my biggest role model resonated deeply within me. I knew that I would have to conquer my crippling social anxiety and make a long overdue change.
The first few days I spent in the gym were a daunting experience. It took all of what little courage I possessed to force myself into an environment where my weaknesses would be put on display for others to see. The lightest weights seemed to mock me during my attempts to lift them, and my lungs would torment me if I dared spend over 10 minutes on the treadmill; but as the days accumulated into weeks, I began to notice a change. Weights which once felt like they were cemented to the ground suddenly became movable. The 5 minute walk on the treadmill that would leave me fighting for air turned into a 20 minute jog that left me feeling revitalized. My self-confidence grew as I witnessed physical changes that I knew were the result of my own effort.
My newfound yearning for self-improvement taught me to optimize my decisions so that they would be conducive towards my goals, and it wasn't long before I noticed the impact this was having outside of the gym. I prospered with every new challenge I was faced with. When my strength plateaued on a particular exercise, I would change my training in order to target my weak points, becoming stronger holistically as a result. When my grades didn't meet the expectations I set for myself, I would allocate more of my free time to studying for classes that gave me the most difficulty. I excelled in my math and science classes as a result, motivating me to enlist in AP and honors courses that I would have adamantly avoided in the past. The gym ingrained the knowledge that the choices I made were directly responsible for the recent success I was finding in my life.
I enrolled at Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology for my first year of college with no clear intentions on what I wanted to major in. I chose to temporarily major in mathematics during my short time here to focus on obtaining credits for core classes. I maintained good grades, earning a 3.8 GPA by the end of my first quarter making it onto the Dean's List. The strong math and science background I established in high school gave me confidence that I was suited for engineering, but I saw no future for myself in the engineering disciplines that Rose-Hulman offered. While researching possible majors, I discovered and became fascinated with industrial engineering. I saw a distinct parallel between its focus on optimization and the habits that I developed as a result of my time spent in the gym. The gym taught me to truly appreciate the impact that changing small nuances of an operation could have, a lesson which I believe makes industrial engineering a suitable major for me.
After emerging from a period of uncertainty with a major in mind, I made it my next goal to obtain a Bachelor's degree in industrial engineering at the University of Washington. The prospect of being a part of the intellectually vibrant environment that the University of Washington cultivates immediately appealed to me. I feel that I will thrive in the academic and creative challenges that I will face there, further enhancing my abilities as a student, thinker, and future-innovator. My journey to become the strongest version of myself began a little over four years ago with a few hesitant steps into an unfamiliar environment lacking any sense of direction. This time, the path is clearer, and I can walk with the knowledge that each step I take will lead me towards my full potential.
+1 for deadlifts
I think you should focus a bit more on academic history/major and career goals. As it is now a large section of your essay is devoted to the gym/how that's changed you which would be fine if the essay were not mainly asking about your academic history, career goals, and cultural understanding. I don't think it's bad that you write about the gym/how that's changed you but I just think that you're focusing too much on something that seems to be pretty far in the past. I would maybe condense the first few paragraphs and go into more detail about your year at Rose-Hulman/why you want to be an industrial engineer/what you plan to do as an industrial engineer. As far as mechanics go you should focus on the flow of your essay/word usage/grammar. There are definitely several spots that would benefit from you either cutting out completely or shortening (e.g.Sweat and black dots cloud my vision as I let out the breath that I held for the entire lift is kinda redundant and might be better if you just use a word like exhale or something). At any rate, I think you have the right idea, just need to polish up the essay in your remaining month.
Btw, am I going crazy or is there no extracurriculars portion on the UWash transfer application?
