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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 402)

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UF application essay. 461 words. Critiques? Comments? Good/Bad?

NEW - Prompt:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment...

UndergraduateDeadpool013 - Jul 29, 2009 / — -
"BALLS UP," his voice echoes through my ear canals ; Essay on tennis

6 - I actually wrote it as a college app essay on my dedication to tennis....

Undergraduatevip747 - Jul 27, 2009 / vip747 - Jul 29, 2009
Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak?

8 - Well, I sent it off a few minutes ago. For my mental and emotional health don't tell me if...

Undergraduatekenziii - Jul 26, 2009 / kenziii - Jul 28, 2009
"My Own Dr. 90210" - common app essay

7 - thanks again for more ideas. btw in the first paragrapg, i was trying to say i want to do...

Undergraduatetal105 - Jul 27, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 28, 2009
Diversity, my different background - UM diversity esssay

6 - Thanks for the advice....

Undergraduateimmefrank - Jul 27, 2009 / immefrank - Jul 28, 2009
Is the content too cynical for the common application?

3 - I agree. While the story is compelling, you must remember the purpose, which is to tell the admissions committee...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 28, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 28, 2009
"valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays

19 - Yeah, "the fact that" is a lazy phrase. I use it myself sometimes because I can be lazy,...

UndergraduateOrchid19 - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
"Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay

17 - Did you ever come up with a revised draft for this one?...

Undergraduateaan027 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
"Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay

22 - Well, any essay you write should have a theme. Usually for application essays, each essay conveys one or more...

Undergraduatenike - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
"Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had....

16 - WOW! u can write. both of these do show that :D i did like the 1st one better though!...

Undergraduatekura - Jul 18, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 27, 2009
"Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement

26 - I grew up an only girl with seven brothers in a single family home with my mother. We lived...

UndergraduateMichele1248 - Jul 17, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 27, 2009
"my peers' views" - admission essay-common app

5 - The question is: Did you participate in truly voluntary civic activities, rather than resume-embellishing activities? If so, list them....

Undergraduatextlraptor - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 27, 2009
'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer

16 - Okay, then yes, your essay is fine. I just wanted to see the exact prompt, because you could have...

Undergraduate10tlala - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 27, 2009
"To persue studies on a dedicated level" - Common App. Transfer Essay

4 - That about covers it. Provide us with the exact question you are supposed to be answering, and a...

Undergraduatemollymango - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 27, 2009
UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread?

21 - "Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its culture." You...

Undergraduatekrisdp25 - Jul 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 26, 2009
"Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application

6 - I'm glad to hear that! I think you've got it right. Your engaging list of foibles...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 26, 2009
College app: Contribution to educational environment essay: help with beginning

6 - Try it a couple of different ways. See what you like best. Hey! That works when creating recipes too!...

Undergraduatebluedog - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
"My work experience" -- Too...nonchalant?

9 - That sounds right, thanks! (: I didn't think about it like that....

UndergraduateJACOX1 - Jul 23, 2009 / JACOX1 - Jul 25, 2009
Need Help with application essay about my personal characteristics

11 - start off as a story... maybe you will get inspiration?...

Undergraduatebookworm1286 - Jul 17, 2009 / Hamlet9876 - Jul 25, 2009
'DNA Repair / Surgery / Medicine / Upbringing' - Short Response to Johns Hopkins

3 - Using molecular techniques such as cloning and immunofluorescence, I deeply engaged in the study ofstudied how the cells recognize...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
"I can - the sky is the limit" - UF Essay

3 - Yeah, "can't," on its own, without context, is a fairly innocuous word. As with many essays I see here,...

UndergraduateJkuhlman78 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 24, 2009
This year's cross-county varsity - common app significant experience essay.

14 - The essay was always well-written, with plenty of specific details. You just needed to cut it down to the...

Undergraduateprompter - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 24, 2009
UF essay -- Trip to Iceland

2 - This is a very good start, but needs pruning. Remember that the prompt asks for a concise story. Go...

Undergraduatemeg12212 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
"I come prepared very well academically" - UF Application Essay

4 - I like the engaging introduction, but the essay then becomes dull. If you know that you may lose the...

Undergraduatestuygator - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
"responsible student", "ideal school for me" - UCF Admission Essays

3 - Let's work on wordiness. Being biracial had been something that I felt made meonce led me to feel...

Undergraduateomgitsafly - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
Hough Graduate School of Business - admission essay

2 - I'm glad you're dedicated to hard work and endurance, because you've got a lot of work to do before...

Undergraduateprincessbelle79 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus")

6 - Yeah, the German lover might throw people off. There is Germanophile, but it doesn't have the same flow as...

Undergraduatethegerman - Jul 23, 2009 / Notoman - Jul 24, 2009
"my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community

7 - "Dramatic" difference, "momentous" impact, "intense" leadership... these all seem a bit, um, dramatic for the simple fact of having...

Undergraduatejaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 23, 2009
Family influence - violence essay

14 - Yeah, at the moment, after reading your essay, if I were the admissions officer, I would really like to...

Undergraduatejoshstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 23, 2009
FSU Essay - "Going to FSU will only make me stronger"

5 - It would also be nice if you could connect all three through some sort of common theme, or else...

Undergraduatekrisdp25 - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 23, 2009
Admission Essay to Med School; "give me the bad news first"

3 - Thank you EF_Simone. Will take your advice....

Undergraduatemarian - Jul 22, 2009 / marian - Jul 22, 2009
"My ultimate goal of earning an MD" - UF essay!

4 - I'm moving this to the original thread. Keep revisions in the same thread as the original essay....

Undergraduateschooler101 - Jul 22, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 22, 2009
"My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience

7 - ^Isnt phenomenal a bit too powerful of a word for this context? My eyes finally landed on...

Undergraduatellunachick2319 - Jul 21, 2009 / Liebe - Jul 22, 2009
Obstacles in the road - Need assistance with UCF Prompt

6 - Good job. Love the first line. Extra points for "epiphany" -- one of my favorite words....

Undergraduatejoshstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary

36 - As a musician, you might benefit from exposing yourself to as many different genres as possible. Hip hop on...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
Suggestions for personal statement for Top university (Chinese in Canada)

11 - thank you...

Undergraduatelacetti - Jul 19, 2009 / lacetti - Jul 21, 2009
Need some advice with my Admission essay for Radiology tech program

2 - I'll tackle the first couple of paragraphs and then challenge our forum members to pitch in on the...

UndergraduateLisse - Jul 21, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
AP biology - University of Florida Admissions Essay

4 - ok, I will rework my organization so that that is more clear, thanks a bunch...

Undergraduateyabbs1004 - Jul 20, 2009 / yabbs1004 - Jul 21, 2009
Career aspiration essay - the pharmacist.

10 - Your aspiration is to be a pharmacist. Probably, you have some more specific ideas about that, such as...

UndergraduateYongKee - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
The Most Influential Person in my Life essay (my husband)

6 - I'd like this to get to the point more quickly. I think we all know that children are influenced...

Undergraduateaintmissbehavin - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
"My Name" - Common Application short answer essay

8 - And that's precisely your problem. I still say you should reduce the essay to a single opening sentence,...

Undergraduatevip747 - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay

10 - No problem. I look forward to reading your next draft....

Undergraduatekritipg - Jul 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
influential person my father

4 - 1. Begin with what is now your second paragraph. 2. Write more about your father's characteristics as these...

Undergraduateokons4life - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay

24 - No worries. We are very patient people....

Undergraduatediiaa36 - Jul 6, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay

9 - Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality As the school bus lurches to a stop,...

UndergraduateiHasWritersBloc - Jul 16, 2009 / jaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009
"Experiences or accomplishments that defined me as a person"

5 - Julien 15, You may want to begin by thinking and answering the question - " What is the most...

Undergraduatejulien15 - Jul 20, 2009 / bretta49 - Jul 20, 2009
how to reply an letter of acceptance

18 - Dear Moderators, I see what you mean. It is meant to say " "I write in reference to the...

UndergraduateMchonos - Jun 24, 2009 / bretta49 - Jul 20, 2009
About my environment - admission essay topic

7 - Can you unify all three points with a common thread? That would go a long way towards making the...

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jul 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 20, 2009
(cheerleading labour) - PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT

6 - Hey Brittney, I am also applying at Penn State. I just finished my statement: the title is "want to...

Undergraduatebrittanytrappe - Jul 9, 2009 / Michele1248 - Jul 18, 2009
"Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay

11 - ^I did suggest 'not' in my revision. I guess Brandon did not want to use my suggestion. ...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 16, 2009 / Liebe - Jul 18, 2009
"My grandparents" - UCF Undergrad essay

6 - Whoa -- that's an overly long sentence. It's good to say that you want to use your college...

Undergraduatejennameister12 - Jul 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 18, 2009
Stanford Experience Essay

7 - The entire essay sort of suffers from focusing on an experience that stoked your enthusiasm for engineering, when that...

Undergraduateaan027 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
'history and international situations' - UT essay: important issue

9 - Could you demonstrate some of your key points with specific examples? For example? As evidenced...

Undergraduatespalash9_9 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay

9 - And the first sentence in most of these paragraphs does sort of act as a topic sentence anyway. ...

Undergraduaterediat - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
Medical Secondary

26 - Yep. Your essay are normally fairly strong to being with, and with your commitment to revising them as strenuously...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
Capital Punishment (the death penalty) Essay. Should be allowed or not?

11 - I was thinking more of getting free labor from bound people, especially people who have proven themselves criminally inclined....

Undergraduateorlando - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
"Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique?

9 - I agree that this is a strong essay and I can see the passion you have for danceing, but...

Undergraduatellunachick2319 - Jul 4, 2009 / FoxyKittie14 - Jul 15, 2009
Are there any experiences or accomplishments that helped define you as a person

5 - Right. Everybody says that they have overcome obstacles and become stronger as a result. The idea is to...

Undergraduatebianxii08 - Jul 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 14, 2009
Undergraduates essay to UCF

5 - I agree with sean, i don't think this essay answers either of the questions. Try to expand on your...

UndergraduateBallerinaskap - Jul 4, 2009 / krisdp25 - Jul 13, 2009
The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son

8 - Okay, since he tossed his siblings in there, and assuming that his siblings share his view of their dad....

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 12, 2009

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