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Do you think that you are a particularly suitable candidate for an award


ajayemisi 2 / 3  
Feb 16, 2009   #1
Please help edit this.The instructions are pasted.
I will need it for submission in the next 24 hours. Thank you.
I have been given unconditional offer of admission to study public health and I am now applying for scholarship.

Please give your reasons for applying for this particular programme of study at the University of Leeds and state how it best meets your objectives. If you are a Mastership by Research applicant please include in your own words in language accessible to a lay reader, a description of your proposed research field or project. Your summary might cover context; objectives; significance; method (how the work would be done). Maximum of 500 words.

Early in life, I had the priviledge of taking care of my brother whose haemoglobin was ss. I did all that was humanly possible I could to help him. Despite doctors "no cure" teaching, I still hated the site of him in pain during any of his crisis. I was always studying anything he did that predisposed him to crisis and I did all to ensure he had less crisis. The agony of seeing someone you loved in pain affected my whole being positively and I decided to pursue any profession that would help promote the health of people around me.

In my primary school, I channeled my interest in to sciences more than any other subjects. I made it a point of duty to distinguish myself in all my classes. My parents also encouraged me with all of their resources.In secondary school, I took courses in sciences where I excelled well.

After my secondary education I was not able to get admission to study medicine, which was believed to be the only profession through which you can have adequate knowledge to help the sick.

On my parent injunction, I moved in to study nursing in the state school of nursing. Here I learnt to care for the sick in a hospital setting. Around this time, I eventually lost my brother to one of his crisis but my passion was not lost rather the incidence aggravated my quest for higher learning.

I proceeded to do nursing in the university to satisfy my urge for higher level of knowledge. During my first year as a direct entry candidate, I did courses in sociology and psychology which exposed me to other people's view of what illnesses and health were.

This awoke my interest in preventive medicine other than the curative part. I later took courses in epidemiology and statistics in year 3 where I have straight B.This became the foundation for the community health I did in year 4.So when I saw that I was acquiring

knowledge in this area of medicine, I grabbed the opportunity to register for a qualifying examination in public health conducted by West African Examination Board. I emerged with the best result in my country Nigeria for the 2003 session.

After graduation from the university, I took up a job in the research institute as a contract staff. My duty was to recruit eligible participant in to the 3rd stage clinical trial of a microbicide. This gave me contact with people in the community setting, and services were targeted at educating them for positive behavioural change. I was encouraged by their readiness to learn and act on what they learnt.

Today my interest in Public health has grown, with the high incidence of communicable diseases. I want to acquire more knowledge on collection and collation of useful health information for the purpose of research and making recommendations to appropriate authority.Also I want to gain knowledge needed to develop feasible health programmes and services in collaboration with Non-governmental Organizations for implementation within the localities where it can be accessible to the vulnerable populations in my country.

On closer look at the objectives of The Nuffield Centre for International Health and Development, I found out that the programme offered addressed my interest. This has prompted me to accept my offer of unconditional admission to study Public health at Leeds University.

In conclusion, my aspiration is to keep challenging myself in areas that other people have not, in order to find new methods of consistency of care and efficiency. What lots of people have hard times achieving is where I come forward, working to isolate the problem or objective so I can render a solution. I have the potential to grow into a better nurse, and researcher if given the opportunity to undertake this programme and I will no doubt be an asset to my country.

Why do you think that you are a particularly suitable candidate for an award? Awards are based on academic merit; financial considerations are not taken into account. Maximum of 300 words

feat

My educational exploit was dated back to my primary school days,when i had to join a private primary school from a public school.Shortly afterwards,the promotion examination was conducted and i performed brilliantly well for the recognition of the school authority.

In secondary school, I took courses in sciences,and I had distinctions and credit.
I moved in to study nursing in the state school of nursing. I also excelled as I was able to get admission to the university with this result. At the university I emerged as the best student in my Year two examinations in my class and I ended up being the only student that got promoted to year three. This did not deter me from putting in my best as evident in my year three results. In 2003 the Faculty of Basic medical science with four departments

in its bid to reward diligence and promote excellence awarded the best three students in each department and I was privileged to be one of them.

At graduation, I also won the award for the best graduating student in Nurse-Patient Interaction. Since graduation,I have written many aptitude test and have excelled in them which has helped me to be the preferred candidates for employment in four different instances.My performance in IELTS examination also indicated thatI am a brilliant woman that will not only stand out but also excel at any opportunity of learning.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 16, 2009   #2
This (below) should be combined into one paragraph:

...channeled my interest into sciences more than any other subjects. I made it a point of duty to distinguish myself in all my classes . My parents also encouraged me with all of their resources. In secondary school, I took courses in sciences where I excelled well.

Okay, this is very impressive. I think you should go through and take out all the unnecessary words you can find. Try to sum up your history in two succinct paragraphs so that you can keep the focus on the question about your "reasons for applying for this particular programme of study at the University of Leeds" and what makes the school different from other schools. Show them how clearly you envision your success at their school.
OP ajayemisi 2 / 3  
Feb 17, 2009   #3
Please what do you feel about the length and coherency. Thank you
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 17, 2009   #4
The length is excessive. Cut stuff out ruthlessly, as Kevin suggested.

Coherency seems okay, though I tend to lose focus part way through, owing to the essay being long and wordy, rather than concise and interesting (see previous comment).

Other stuff you might want to consider:

"I still hated the sight of him in pain"

"The agony of seeing someone you loved in pain affected my whole being positively." I am certain you don't really mean this. Agony, by definition, is a negative emotion. If it affected your whole being positively, you would seek it out. Thus, logically, you would go out of your way to hurt those you loved so that your whole being could experience the positive effects of the agony of seeing them in pain. Revise.


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