Here are a couple more thoughts for you:
Being apart of a work force at Panera Bread seemed like an ideal place to work and to get real world experience.
This sentence gets a little awkward. First, it should be a part. Being a part of a work force? Being a part of the work force? Being a part of the staff? Perhaps you could just say, Working at Panera Bread ... The awkwardness is, in part, because of this beginning. If you take out the stuff in the middle, what you are really saying is, "Being a part of a work force seemed like an ideal place to work." How about simply: Working at Panera Bread was the ideal way to get real-world experience.
Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing.
what they were experiencing. With a limited word count, you won't want to use two forms of "experience" in the same sentence. Mix it up.
I wanted to be apart
Again, "apart" needs to be two words. A piece of pie, a part of a team.
This essay doesn't necessarily put you in a good light. It doesn't put you in a bad light either, but you could use it to highlight some of your attributes. Personally, I don't see Panera Bread as being a place that really helps people. I know, I know--people *need* their coffee and bagels, but the restaurant industry isn't normally associated with helping people. You can reword your desire for money in a way that is a little less specific but puts you in a better light. Why not just say that you wanted to take more responsibility for your expenditures and to be able to save for college expenses? The admissions staff doesn't need the impression that the only expense you will be responsible for is school supplies and food. Talk a little bit more about learning responsibility, teamwork, and how to take direction and less about being comfortable because all of your friends worked in the same place.