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I wrote about my car... Important Issue Admission Essay



ChelleThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Chelle
   
Oct 17, 2010, 01:19pm   #1
The topic is to choose an issue thats important to you; explain its significance.

I mostly worry that it's too informal, or that I don't 'talk about myself' enough. I also think I may need a better concluding paragraph/sentence. But please let me know what you think? (:


"Is your car electric?" is a common question to Smart car owners, which is strange because it's frequently asked while the owner is filling up with gas. While I've heard it being called a "toy", a "clown car", and even a "pregnant rollerblade", I absolutely adore the Smart car that I drive. After waiting in the heat for hours at local shows, the five shiny trophies and seven plaques show the popularity of my tiny vehicle. The unique size and shape of the car gives the town something to talk about, but ignorance about it is a matter that concerns me.

It is a bit insulting when people assume that the car is unsafe, just because it's small, without looking at the facts. No, I'm not scared of driving on the highway. No, I'm not afraid of getting squished. No, I don't think I'm going to die; if that were a problem my parents wouldn't have bought me the car. Smart cars are actually extremely safe. With a tridion safety cell made of high-strength steel caging in the car and a 5-star side crash rating. Death on impact isn't as big of a concern as others would expect. There are only two reported deaths with the Smart since its release in the US in 2008, and one was because the 81-year-old man driving his Smart ran a stop sign and wasn't wearing a seatbelt. But while it is an emotional let-down to see people disappointed in the vehicle you drive because of lack of research, everyday opinions isn't my only regard.

As a cautious driver I'm not worried about getting in an accident, and as a Smart car driver I'm not worried about death, but in the event that I would need help to get out of my car, I am worried about the rescuer. While the uniqueness of the car is fun to talk about, it also poses a problem in the event that the battery or engine would need to be located. Like a Volkswagen Beetle, the engine is located in the back of the vehicle. The car doesn't have much of a hood to pop - in the front are just the car's fluids. If a firefighter would have to aid in getting the driver or passenger out of the car, first they would need to know that the tridion cell cannot be cut through, so the only way to get to the people inside would be through the door. It's rule of thumb to disconnect the battery first to prevent any airbags from deploying. Not many people are familiar with the fact that the battery in a Smart is actually located underneath the passenger seat. Without this knowledge, the rescuer could injure his or herself. It's an anxiety for not only myself, but any Smart car driver.

It's unfortunate that people make assumptions about the car just because of its size, and while it's annoying to hear the few rude comments spoken, it's a safety concern that people are unfamiliar with the vehicle. Knowing more about Smart cars can save owners from undesired comments, and drivers in an accident from further possible injury.
RaviTGThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Ravi Gattamaraju
   
Oct 17, 2010, 01:33pm   #2
"With a tridion safety cell made of high-strength steel caging in the car and a 5-star side crash rating." is a fragment. A comma after rating and before death would help

"everyday opinions isn't" -Opinions are plural
Goodjob chelle:)
EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,204
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
[Moderator]   
Oct 21, 2010, 09:50am   #3
Chelle:
if that were a problem my parents wouldn't have bought me the car.

Well.... any car can get you squished. It's crazy that we drive along the highway and slow down to look at the people who have gotten squished, and we just keep on going like mosquitoes that keep flying around after they see my swat one of their compatriots.

...could injure his or her body.
or
...could injure himself or herself.

Chelle:
As a cautious driver I'm not worried about getting in an accident

ha ha, as a cautious driver, I do worry about getting in an accident.

It's an anxiety for not only myself, but any Smart car driver.----what's going on here? I thought you were arguing the opposite... Oh, I see, ignorance about the cars does make them unsafe if people do not learn what they need to know. Well, there still seems to be contradiction here.

Bottom line: you write well, which is most important, but I think this needs to be rewritten with a focus on the fact that ignorance can interfere with the use of smart cars to save the environment. I think that should be the focus... not so much your experiences of hearing rude comments, etc., but instead the larger issue of environmental protection.


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