Hi all,
I'd love to get some feedback on my essay for UMich. It's one of my top choices and I'd like to turn it in tomorrow.
Let me know what you think!
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
She sits, dismembering beans from their stalks, as her brothers draw the alphabet in the dust. She watches, tracing the intricate loops and burning the figures into her memory. She whispers, under the whirring of the wind, the poetry her brothers had carelessly recited; The words that leap off an unappreciated page, and the letters that differentiate her from the woman before her.
My great-aunt was not asked whether she wanted to learn how to read. My grandmother was pulled out of school in the third grade. My mother recently just earned her undergraduate degree. These are the women in my family, unable to set precedents and change history because of their gender. As a child, I believed I was destined to be a flight attendant, or that I was fated to become an obstetrician; that even amongst my professional ambitions lay the connotations associated with the necessity to remain "feminine".
My community is a class of women who desire to set precedents, change history, and flourish their lives. My community are the women who desire to turn the term "feminine" into that which has the connotations of intelligence and excellence. My community are the women who wish to turn centuries of female inconspicuousness into eminence and appreciation for gender neutrality.
Perhaps my place in this community is as a suffragist. Perhaps I am destined to follow the footsteps of the boisterous Rosa Parks, or am destined to suffer a merciless death like Benazhir Butto. Perhaps I will lead an uneventful life and climb the ladders of a career in politics, like several woman before me. Perhaps nothing will happen at all.
But in the wake of my newfound adulthood I am sure of one thing. While centuries of women have remained so, I refuse to be so; I refuse to be inconspicuous.
In the first paragraph, the letter followed by the semicolon should not be a capital letter.
In the third paragraph, "My community is the women who desire to turn the term..."
In the second last paragraph, "...like several women before me."
Your mention of Bhutto makes me wonder if you're a Pakistani girl. I am too :) Just wondering.
Overall, this is a WONDERFUL essay. Perhaps I relate to you more because I have seen the educational status of women in this country (assuming we are fellow countrywomen, that is), but I think the admissions committee will be able to too. I LOVE your first paragraph; you're a strong writer. Good luck!
Thanks for the grammar corrections, I really appreciate it!
I'm actually Indian, but one of my favorite women of the century is without a doubt Benazir Bhutto! It definitely is something relatable for any woman coming from an Asian/Middle Eastern Background! I'm really glad you liked it!
